


The Ones We Choose

by lightmyway



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Business owner Dean, College, Confused Dean Winchester, Dean in Panties, Dean/Cas Big Bang, Dean/Cas Big Bang Challenge 2019, Dom/sub Undertones, Eventual Smut, Explicit Sexual Content, Firefighter AU, Firefighter Castiel (Supernatural), Fluff and Humor, Friends to Lovers, Gay Castiel (Supernatural), High School, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Kid Fic, M/M, Marriage, Mechanic Dean Winchester, Minor Character Death, Pining, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-22
Updated: 2019-10-22
Packaged: 2020-11-08 10:20:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 82,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20833847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightmyway/pseuds/lightmyway
Summary: After telling his family he’s gay, Castiel winds up homeless.  With the help of his best friend, Cas finds himself a home and a new family.  He also finds himself in love with his best friend.  A love that endures no matter the circumstances of their lives, even in the wake of Dean’s rejection.Despite knowing how Cas feels, Dean clings to his best friend through the years.  In high school and college.  As roommates.  Through Cas becoming a firefighter and his own journey to become a business owner.  With shared time and space, Dean begins to see Cas in a new light.  His attraction grows, along with his feelings.Letting those feelings spill out one night, Dean changes the trajectory of their lives.  As their relationship grows, they are confronted by Cas’s past and must relive a painful and damaging event in Dean’s life.  But it is the life-changing fire, which is their greatest challenge, making them face their deepest fears and test the strength of their love.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was my first DCBB and I want to thank everyone involved from the mods, Muse and Diamond, to the authors and artists on the discord server. The organization and support made this a spectacular experience. 
> 
> A special thanks to [lotrspnfangirl](/users/lotrspnfangirl/) for her wonderful art. She went above and beyond by making chapter titles, a title image, and a divider. And even more amazingly by creating images for all thirteen chapters. Thanks Dani for helping a newcomer through this whole process. [Art Masterpost](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21102014/)
> 
> And of course I huge thank you to my beta, Celina, for filling in on short notice. [Banshee1013](/users/Banshee1013/) you were a lifesaver. I appreciated your thoughtful suggestions and diligent editing. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Castiel stood a few feet from the door, staring at it intently, willing it to open. Seconds passed. Then, minutes, and still he stood there. His brain could not decipher the situation he currently found himself in, and his body remained frozen. He vaguely heard the sound of movement inside the house, but the sounds never drew closer. Even the faint sounds began to fade as Cas remembered the harsh words spoken to him as he was bodily shoved out the door. The vile way his mother spat every slur at him as the rest of his family stood by and watched. Staring at the looming front door, Castiel realized the life he knew was over. He knew coming out was going to be difficult and his family would struggle with having a gay family member, but he never expected to be thrown out of his home. Yet here he was, empty-handed with only twenty dollars in his pocket. He was fortunate he had not removed his shoes when he came home that afternoon or he would be barefoot. That thought brought the first tears to his eyes.

Taking one last look at the house, Castiel scanned every window. All were empty. It was fitting because the young dark-haired man felt the same. He turned from the monolithic structure and made his way slowly down the long driveway. At the street, he paused to gather his bearings. He had no idea where to go or what to do. Waiting for the answer was achieving nothing, so he turned left and began walking. He only stopped when exhaustion won out. By then, he had crossed town, ending up at the large county park. He roamed the trails until he found a stone bench, sat down and closed his eyes. It wasn’t long before the sounds of nature drifted away, and the young man fell asleep. A nightmare filled with burning wings and falling bodies woke him with a scream. He sat up quickly, wincing at the pain in his neck. Day had fled while he slept, and the night was creeping in on him. He no longer felt safe in this secluded corner of the park.

He got up and walked toward a more well-lit area. There were a few people milling about, but for the most part, the park was deserted. Castiel was faced with a long night alone and exposed. As his stomach growled, he realized he was also facing hunger. Depression hit full force, knocking away the hurt and anger which had seethed just beneath surface since his mother called him an abomination. Sadness enveloped his very being, and the young man decided none of it mattered. Not his exhaustion, or his sore neck or sore feet, not his hunger. He sat down in the middle of the path and lowered his head into his hands. _No one wants me. I am disgusting. I belong in hell._ He repeated these denunciations on a constant loop. After berating himself for what felt like hours, Castiel dried his enflamed blue eyes and decided on a course of action. Food first, then a place to sleep for the night.

Unwilling to be where someone would recognize him, he wandered down the highway until he reached the next town and stopped at the first fast food joint he spotted. A single hamburger and a water left him with nineteen dollars and continued hunger pangs, but it would have to do he reassured himself. Finding the back of the restaurant, he waited out of sight until it closed. After the parking lot cleared out, he huddled up next to the dumpster enclosure. Resting his head on the wood panels, he heaved a sigh, and tried to block out the stench emanating from behind his head. Focusing on his own heartbeat, he tapped out the rhythm on his leg as he closed his eyes. While he wished for sleep to take him, in the next breath he dreaded it for fear of another nightmare. His fears came to fruition as he woke several times with heart-pounding night terrors. He shivered and shook every time. When he could no longer take it, he gave up on sleep. He started his wandering in the early morning hours. 

A week passed in much the same fashion, but he noticed a shift in people’s perceptions of him. The longer he went without showering and changing his clothes, the more people looked upon him with disdain. The stares when he stood in line to order food finally pushed him to give up on the endeavor. Another source was needed, so he found himself digging through garbage cans. The first few times he vomited, but he learned over time to keep the food down. Despite his best efforts, he shed pounds at an astronomical weight. With each pound, everything became more uncomfortable. Having been thin to begin with, by the end of his second week, his bones were protruding. Laying down and even sitting became more uncomfortable and sleep became elusive. Ten minutes here and ten minutes there. He woke before he even had time to fall into a nightmare. _Small graces,_ he told himself. Laughing at the ridiculous notion. His existence was pointless he came to see, and it was then the first thoughts of suicide crept into his distraught mind. A small voice inside his head weaved its way to the forefront and pushed those thoughts away. The voice sounded remarkably like his best friend.

He lived for the sound because it allowed him to drift into memories. Ones with laughter and joy. He wondered how his friend was and what he was doing. Part of his brain begged him to seek him out, but it was quickly squashed by the traitorous part, ever ready and willing to tear himself down the way his mother had. He remembered when he told his friend he was gay, and the look of shock on his face. He ignored the rest of the memory in which his friend showed his support and love. Instead, hateful words rattled around his mind. There was no shortage of homophobic slurs occupying his troubled thoughts. So, even though his friend’s voice brought a measure of solace, it never lasted. Castiel was well and truly lost in the confines of his own mind. He surpassed the cruelty of his family with his own brand of censure.

A town over, fear and chaos reigned inside the Winchester home. Dean was inconsolable. It had been two weeks with no sign of Castiel. The confrontation at the Novak home had not gone well. Dean had waited a week with no word from his friend before demanding they go to the house. Every attempt he made to contact Cas via phone was met with a vague response and no Cas. His anger was palpable and Mary Winchester knew her son was ready to explode, so she insisted on taking the lead when they confronted the Novaks. It went about as well as both Winchesters expected. The door was briefly opened, they were told Cas was gone, and then the door was slammed in their faces. Mary was undeterred so she pounded on the door until it was opened by one of Castiel’s siblings. Hannah refused to look at them as she said, “Castiel no longer lives here. Mother will not allow someone with his inclinations to reside in her home.” Those words were all it took for Dean to lose it. He began shouting. Branding every one of Cas’s siblings a coward. Calling out Cas’s mother for every hurtful thing she had ever done to her son. Labeling her a homophobic piece of shit who never deserved to have Cas in her life. He yelled even as Mary dragged him away.

When they reached the driveway, she escorted him to the passenger side of the car. Dean stared at her with a shattered look. “Mom, we have to find him. Where could he be?” Tears filled his eyes. “Why didn’t he come to me?” His voice cracked on a sob. “I would have…”

“I don’t know, but I promise you we will find him.”

Within an hour, family and friends were out searching. As night fell, they all reassembled at the Winchester house. Everyone had the same news. No one had seen Castiel since the last day Dean spoke to him. Without hesitation, Mary organized a grid search, dividing up the city and assigning teams to search specific areas. Days passed in this fashion, but still, there was no sign of Cas. Dean revisited every place they had ever hung out together, hoping Cas would suddenly appear. Darkness crept into his thoughts as hope began to fade. Sam, ever the supportive younger brother, tried to remain positive. He offered frequent suggestions. He became more involved in the search, as did their lifelong friend and neighbor Missouri. Having an enhanced sense of the world, the teacher assured the Winchesters Cas was alive and near, but not close at hand. Dean wanted to believe in her second sight, but too many days had passed. Sam, however, listened intently to Missouri, parsing her words. Late one night after Missouri left, Sam approached his mother. “We need to expand the search. I think Missouri is right. Cas did not stay in town.”

“I was beginning to think the same thing,” agreed Mary.

Dean hung his head and whispered, “Why would he do that? Everyone he knows is here.”

“I think that’s the problem,” said Sam solemnly, sounding so much older than his age. “Maybe he felt too embarrassed or ashamed to see people he knew.”

“Why the hell would he feel ashamed? His fucking family are the one’s who should be ashamed.”

Dean felt the touch of his mother’s hand on his arm. She waited for him to look at her before saying, “Yes they should, but Castiel may not see it that way. We have no idea what they said to him when he told them he was gay.”

Yanking his arm back, Dean said, “I have a pretty good idea what those assholes said.”

“And he may have believed them Dean,” said Sam, his eleven-year-old voice cracking.

Shoving his chair back and standing up, Dean practically yelled, “Fuck.” He stomped around the room, unable to stop his pacing. He yanked at his hair. He felt his mother and his brother watching him. He heard Mary whispering to Sam before he spotted his brother exiting the room.

Once Dean settled against the counter, Mary approached him. “Whatever they did, it was enough for Castiel to run away, so you need to prepare yourself.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means we don’t know what he will be like when we find him.”

“Mom, how the hell did I let this happen? I knew he shouldn’t tell them, but he wanted to believe they would love him anyway.”

Mary pulled Dean into her arms. “None of this is your fault. Now, it’s late and we have an early morning.” She let Dean go and turned him toward the living room. They found Sam sitting on the couch. He stood as they entered the room. The three of them climbed the stairs together. “Goodnight boys,”

“Night Mom,” said Sam as he gave Mary a quick hug.

Dean nodded to her before closing his bedroom door. His dreams that night were filled with disturbing images of Cas alone and broken. When he awoke, the bright sunshine did little to assuage his dark mood. It lifted slightly as they set out to search. Everyone was a bit hopeful as they left town. Those hopes rose as an employee at a fast food restaurant recognized Castiel. She hadn’t seen him for at least a week, but she had seen him and that was what mattered.

The search continued throughout that day and over the next several. More people recognized Cas, but none could provide a specific location. Almost a month after he went missing, Mary returned to the neighboring town. She left before the boys had awakened. Dean called her, demanding to know why she left without him.

“You need rest, Dean. You have barely slept this last month.” There was hesitation before she added, “I have a hunch he’s hiding from us, and I have an idea. I promise if I haven’t found anything by lunchtime, I’ll come home and get you.” Dean didn’t have much choice, so he reluctantly agreed. It was not even a half-hour later when Mary called to say she found him. Dean wanted to be elated, but his mother’s words tempered those feelings. He steeled himself as he went to find Sam. He relayed the information in a flat tone. Even though they had been warned, the first glimpse of Cas sent them both reeling.

Torn, filthy clothes. Dirty, greasy hair hanging in his eyes. Cracked, bleeding lips. But it was the waif-like thinness that stabbed Dean in the chest. He tried to hide his reaction, but the panicked look in Cas’s eyes showed he had failed miserably. That was all it took for him to shake off his own feelings and step forward to comfort his friend. He hugged Cas tight, whispering in his ear. “I missed you so much. I was so scared.” At first, Cas stayed stiff in his arms. When Dean felt him relax a fraction, he said, “Let’s get you cleaned up and fed.” To Dean’s utter relief, Cas nodded into his shoulder. Never losing contact, Dean led Cas upstairs and into the bathroom. He sat his best friend down on the toilet before retrieving some clothes and a towel for him. After starting the shower, he left Cas alone to undress.

Time passed, and Cas did not emerge. Dean, unable to contain his worry, stepped back into the bathroom. “You almost done? Mom’s got lunch ready for us.”

Cas grunted and then shut off the water. The towel disappeared over the curtain rod. “You don’t have to be here, Dean.” Cas’s voice was gritty and broken.

“That’s where you’re wrong. I want to be here. I need to be here. I need to know you’re safe.”

The curtain pulled back and Cas stared at his friend. “I’m safe,” he whispered as tears leaked from his eyes, mingling with the water running down his cheeks. Dean wiped away his own tears as he stepped toward the door. “I’m okay, Dean.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Um…I’ll just wait out here for you.” Cas reached out and took his hand before he could make his exit. “What?” Dean asked without turning.

“Thank you for looking for me.”

Dean huffed, “Don’t ever make me go through that again.”

“I won’t,” Cas said mournfully. “I’m sorry, Dean.”

Dean wanted to ask every single question which had run through his mind over the last month, but instead he said, “We can talk about this later. Right now, I need you to get dressed, so you can come and eat.”

“Of course, Dean.”

The door shut and Dean collapsed to the floor. Sam stood at the top of the stairs, looking terrified. Dean pushed himself off the ground and approached his brother. He pulled Sammy into a hug. “He’s gonna be okay.” Sam didn’t respond except to cling tightly to his older brother. They separated when Cas opened the bathroom door.

After eating, Dean took Cas up to his room. They sat on the bed together, both fidgeting. “Just ask,” muttered Cas tiredly.

“Fine,” said Dean, equally exhausted. “Why didn’t you call me or come here?”

Cas shook his head. “I don’t know. Everything felt wrong. I felt wrong, so I just walked and kept walking.”

“There is nothing wrong with you, Cas. Whatever bullshit she said to you isn’t true.” Cas’s head dropped into his hands as he cried. Dean put his arm around his shoulders and pulled Cas close. “No more questions. I’m just glad you’re here.”

A quick shift and Cas was looking up at Dean. “I’m glad to be here. I was so scared and ashamed. I didn’t want anyone else to throw me out or turn me away. It seemed better to just be alone.”

Dean wanted to yell at him and tell him he would have never turned him away. He wanted to tell him how stupid he was for running. He wanted to hug him and never let him go. None of those options seemed quite right, so Dean stared at Cas as words tumbled through his mind. He eventually settled on, “I’m going to ask my mom to let you live here.”

“Dean, I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

“Of course, it is. You belong here.” Before Cas could argue, Dean changed the subject, “I’ll sleep on the floor, so you can have the bed.” Standing up, he pulled the comforter off the bed and grabbed one of the pillows. After turning the light off, he whispered, “Night Cas.”

“Goodnight Dean,” mumbled Cas.

Living with Dean only lasted two weeks. Once social services got involved Cas was sent to a group home while he waited for a foster home placement. Sadness enveloped him, but he tried his best to hide it from Dean. He didn’t want to worry him the way he had before, so he plastered on a robotic smile and walked out with a slight wave. He knew Dean was in pain but seeing Mary’s face almost cracked his façade. She was devastated she couldn’t find a way to keep him. She blamed herself for the situation. It was written all over her face. Cas had tried to reassure her he would be fine as he hugged her one last time. When he stepped back, Mary touched his cheek gently. He gave her a small smile before he got into the social worker’s car. He held it together until the Winchesters were out of sight. Only then did he let the tears fall freely.

In the group home, surrounded by other teenagers, Cas was drowning in loneliness. He didn’t want to share his story. Partly out of fear and partly out of a need to bury his emotions. He didn’t want anyone to know how broken he was. How just when he thought he might have a chance at a life again, it was ripped from him. Waking up in the home was so vastly different than waking up at the Winchesters. He missed Mary’s hugs and Sam’s constant conversation, but he missed Dean most of all. He missed his best friend’s smile and his energy. Cas had always been the strange one in his family, even before coming out. But Dean never saw it that way. Dean said every unique quality and quirk his family hated was what made him awesome. Laying in the bottom bunk, three nights in, Cas smiled as he pictured Dean’s face. The cheeky grin and shining green eyes. His friend always found a way to make him laugh. He clung to those thoughts and their phone conversations as the week dragged on. It was in the middle of the second week when a measure of hope returned. Surprisingly, it was the bright, smiling face of his social worker which ushered in the feeling. She didn’t wait for even a second to give Cas the news. It spilled from her mouth like a waterfall. “We have your placement. Missouri did it. I don’t know how she did it so fast, but she did.”

Cas sat stunned. Unsure what exactly she was saying. He tipped his head trying to parse the words. His expression must have given away his confusion because she quickly added, “Missouri is going to be your foster mom.”

A slight smile formed at the corners of Cas’s mouth thinking of the elementary school teacher. The smile grew exponentially when it hit him. He would be living next door to Dean.

“She wanted to tell you as soon as she applied, but we didn’t want to give you false hope.”

“I understand, Ms. Jones.” Cas shifted in his seat. “Um…when do I get to go?" 

Three days later, Cas moved into Missouri’s home. His initial excitement had withered over those three days. Negative thoughts and self-loathing emerged anew, so when he moved in, he tried to be as unobtrusive as possible. His mind told him Missouri only welcomed him into her home to help the Winchesters. He didn’t want her to suffer for her generosity. He kept to his room most of the time unless he was helping around the house. Dean tried to visit him, but Cas found their interactions difficult. There was still pain in Dean’s eyes when he looked at Castiel. Worse was the pity he saw at times. Cas hated what he had become. Hated what he was and didn’t want to taint Dean with it. He should have known his best friend would never give up. He was relentless in his pursuit of understanding what was happening with Cas.

All Cas wanted to do was bury his feelings and hide from the world. Missouri talked to him without posing questions, but somehow, on a couple of occasions she managed to pull his emotions to the surface. It was usually when he was exhausted and getting ready for bed. He raced to his room to hide his tears, unwilling to let her see his weakness. Dean, on the other hand, asked non-stop questions. Probing and prodding his friend. Wanting desperately to understand what he was going through and how he could help. It barely changed even after school started. It all came to a head three months after he moved in with Missouri.

The Winchesters were over for the customary weekly dinner, which alternated weeks. This week Missouri was hosting. Serving, much to Dean’s delight, her famous gumbo and beignets. “Come on, Cas, even you have to admit they’re almost as good as pie.”

Cas kept his head down and refused to engage his friend. He heard Dean’s frustrated huff, and the whispered, “Let him be,” from Mary. He knew she was touching Dean’s arm, trying to soothe him. Anger bubbled up inside of Cas. The ever-present shame of knowing his parents didn’t want him, the jealousy at the relationship Dean had with his mother, and the self-loathing for being gay were too much at times. It made him want to strike out and punch someone or something. Right now, that someone was Dean.

He knew it was unfair and unwarranted. He knew his friend was only trying to help him. He knew how much Dean wanted Castiel back. Wanted their friendship back. One filled with laughter and sharing. Dean was used to Cas sharing every detail of his life, and now Cas was a closed book. He didn’t share with anyone. As his thoughts drifted through a myriad of emotions, the anger dissipated enough for him to put the mask back on. The one he worked so hard to maintain. Emotionless, almost robotic, would be how he described himself now. It was the only way he knew how to be. It was how he could function. If not, he would leave himself open to pain. The kind of pain he felt when those who were supposed to love him threw him out like trash. It wasn’t simply abandonment. It was a full reaping. He was brutally cut out of his former life. He could never let that happen to him again. So no, he couldn’t let himself care for Missouri or come to see her as a mother. He couldn’t find solace in Mary or Sam. And most importantly, he couldn’t let Dean back in because if anyone could destroy him it would be Dean.

With the mask firmly in place, Cas raised his head to find four sets of eyes staring at him. It was clear by their expressions he had been too slow in covering his feelings. He could see the tears brimming in Mary’s eyes. The depth of caring in Missouri’s dark, soulful eyes. The utter sadness in Sam’s eyes, so out of place in the gaze of an eleven-year-old. But it was Dean’s eyes that shattered his mask and ripped open his heart. His friend looked absolutely devastated. Instead of comforting him, which his body was instinctively demanding, he let the anger surge forward. The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them.

“Don’t look at me like that. I am not worth whatever the hell you are all feeling. I am disgusting. I am everything my mother called me. I don’t want your pity. I don’t want your friendship. I don’t deserve it. I just want to be left alone.”

Almost in a whisper, Dean said, “Why?”

Defeated and spent, Cas muttered sadly, “Because it’s better that way. It’s the only way I know how to be now.”

“Castiel.” When he didn’t turn to face her, Missouri said, “Son, look at me.” Cas moved his head, heavy with exhaustion, to look at the woman who had opened her home to him. “You are a wonderful young man and deserve unconditional love. Just because your family was too stupid and too bigoted to see that doesn’t mean it’s not true.”

Cas shook his head vigorously, stopping her recitation. “Please don’t say anymore. I know you only took me in because Dean wanted it.”

“Young man,” she snapped, “Do not for one second think I would do something I did not want. You are in my home because I care about you. Do you hear me Castiel, or do I have to repeat myself?”

Swallowing the lump in his throat, he choked out, “I hear you.”

“Good, now, I think you need to hear what everyone at this table has to say.” Cas nodded at Missouri before turning to face the others.

He was surprised when Sam spoke first. “Cas, you are like a second big brother to me. I miss talking to you. You know how Dean picks on me when I geek out. So…um…yeah, I miss you,” he trailed off, embarrassment evident in his voice and by the pink in his cheeks.

Cas froze, unable to find his voice. Mary filled the void before it became too awkward for the boys. “Cas, you have been part of our family since Dean dragged you home three years ago. And it was not out of pity or duty or whatever other notion you have in that overactive brain of yours. It was because you fit. And I should have told you I loved you before all of this happened. I hope you can forgive me for keeping it to myself.”

Tears streamed down Cas’s face as he stared slack-jawed at the woman who had always kept her door wide open to him. The sight of Cas crying must have been too much for Dean because he was out of his chair and wrapped around Cas in a heartbeat. Without hesitation, Cas buried his face in Dean’s neck. Through his soft sobs, he heard, “You’re my best friend, Cas. I don’t know what I’d do without you. I hate this not talking bullshit. Everyone keeps telling me to give you time, but I fucking miss you.”

“I’m sorry, Dean. I’m sorry,” Cas mumbled brokenly.

“Cas, sweetie, you don’t need to apologize. We just wanted you to know we are here for you,” said Mary as she joined Cas and Dean in a hug. Missouri and Sam were not far behind.

After they released him and everyone was back in their seat, Cas said, “I wish I could be the way I was, but I feel so…” He dropped his head into his hands, inhaling sharply. On the exhale, he whispered, “broken.”


	2. Chapter 2

After that conversation, Cas improved slowly, but the holidays halted the progress he was making. He once again isolated himself. It was hard for Dean to let him be, but Mary convinced him to wait it out. Christmas came and went, and Cas reemerged. By spring, he was laughing and joking like the old Cas. There was still pain, especially when he spotted a member of his family. On those rare occasions, the Novaks all acted the same, ignoring his presence completely. It saddened him, but with time it hurt less. It helped that his new family, the one who chose him and who he accepted in return, showed him love every day. The fact that Dean’s support never wavered helped him find happiness again. He stood at his side when he decided to come out to their other friends. Benny slapped him on the back, and Rhonda gave him a tight hug. After that positive reception, they went to tell Luke and Ray. Once Dean saw the look of disgust on their faces he shielded Cas before he decked Luke in the mouth. Ray took a step toward him, but the murderous look Dean gave him stopped him in his tracks. As they walked away, Dean flipped them off and called them homophobic assholes. After that day, Dean tried his best to protect Cas from any insult or injury. He sought out new friends who would support Cas. With their sophomore year ending, Cas felt more comfortable in his own skin. For the most part it carried him through the summer.

Only as school drew near did Cas sense a change. Dean was spending more time with Benny. He was left with too much time on his hands. His mind began to work overtime. Reliving the day his mother kicked him out, envisioning his days of homelessness. He felt adrift again as if his anchor line had snapped. There was an ache in his chest. No matter what he did he couldn’t fix it or even find the reason for it. The day Dean and Cas started their junior year it hit Cas all at once. 

Dean was leaning against the side of the car. His legs were crossed at the ankles, and he was looking up at the sky. And he was gorgeous. The answer to his issue stood front and center when Rhonda walked up and leaned against Dean, who immediately wrapped his arm around her. Cas suddenly couldn’t breathe. He turned around to run back in the house when he heard Dean call out to him. He didn’t stop his movement, walking with measured steps until he reached his front door. He slipped inside the house. As soon as the door was shut, he leaned back against it and slid to the floor. Missouri rushed over to him.

“Castiel, what happened?”

He stared at her blankly for several seconds as he tried to catch his breath. When he could focus, he clung to the kindness in her gaze. It gave him the strength to say, “I think I love Dean.”

“Oh, honey, is that all. Of course, you do.”

His mouth dropped open, and his head snapped back. “What?” he asked with utter confusion.

“Mary and I have known for a while. Now not everyone would see it, but we see it when you look at him.”

“What am I supposed to do, Mama?” Cas usually called her Missouri, but in stressful moments Mama just slipped out. The first time it happened, she accepted it with a smile and a pat to his cheek. Looking at her, his blue eyes wide and scared, Cas implored her to help him. “He’s my best friend and he’s straight.”

She smiled at him warmly and reached for his hand. “Loving someone is wonderful, Castiel. Don’t ever think it’s wrong.”

“But what do I do?”

“Maybe in time you will decide to tell him, but for now you don’t have to do anything but be who you are.”

Her words seemed to settle his nerves. Loving Dean wasn’t really new. He had loved him as a friend from the start. _Who wouldn’t,_ Cas thought to himself. Dean was magnetic, exuding confidence and charm. So maybe nothing had to change. He could keep his attraction to himself because keeping Dean in his orbit was essential. He wasn’t sure he would even know how to breathe if he lost Dean. He placated himself with these thoughts, but he should have known better. Dean could read his emotions like an open book. No matter how hard Cas tried to deflect and circumvent his questions, Dean never wavered. “Just tell me Cas,” he said a month after Castiel’s epiphany.

“You don’t want to know. Why can’t you just drop this?”

“Because Cas,” he snapped in exasperation, “you are not okay. I don’t care how many times you tell me everything is fine. I know you, and you are not fine.”

They were laying on Cas’s bed facing each other, having shoved their homework aside a half-hour ago. Cas rolled over and planted his feet firmly on the floor. He buried his face in his hands. “Okay, but remember I warned you.” Sighing, Cas lifted his head and stared blankly at the wall in front of him. The words fell out in a halting, haunted manner. “I love you, Dean and not in the way you want. I don’t know when…well that’s not true…I know the exact moment I realized it.” His pronouncement was met with dead silence. It was everything Cas expected but had hoped wouldn’t happen. He went to stand, ready to bolt from the room. It didn’t matter that it was his room because he needed to put distance between himself and Dean. A hand stopped his movement. Dean held his shoulder firmly, keeping him seated on the bed. “Dean, please let me go.”

“No. Not like this.”

Cas laughed darkly. “Not like what?”

“Not while you look like I kicked your puppy. And not before I get to say somethin’.” Dean pulled on his shoulder, but Cas refused to turn around and face him. “Fine, I guess I’ll talk to your back.” Cas felt Dean move closer as the hand on his shoulder fell away, only to grip the hem of his t-shirt. “You’re my best friend, Cas. No matter what.”

The crack in Dean’s voice and its gentle tone made Cas’s breath hitch. He felt hope for the first time since he realized his attraction for Dean. “Does that mean you -”

Dean cut him off before he could finish his question. “Cas.” It was said just as gently, but this time it was laced with a deep sadness. “I don’t think of you that way. Or any guy. But it doesn’t have to change what we are to each other. Please say it doesn’t.”

There was little Cas could do. He had to accept it and move on or risk losing Dean for good. And after everything they had been through, he was not willing to give him up over his inconvenient feelings. Using that word to describe his feelings was just one of many steps Cas would take to bury his love for Dean. Over time he became very adept at compartmentalizing his emotions. Being in love with Dean didn’t go away, not that year or any year after. It didn’t go away with the parade of hook-ups and one-night stands Dean had over the years. It didn’t go away the few times Cas tried to date. It certainly didn’t go away at their prom when Dean walked in and Cas’s knees nearly gave out from how gorgeous the man looked. It didn’t go away when Dean bulked up to play football. At one point, Cas realized it wasn’t likely to ever go away. After that, it was easier for Cas to simply accept Missouri’s words. _Loving someone is wonderful. _He left it then in the box labeled _wonderful, not wrong, but unrequited._

Dean was a different story. He struggled with Cas’s announcement. He didn’t understand it at all, couldn’t wrap his head around what his friend saw in him. He was confused and a bit dazed at times. He knew he meant it when he told Cas it wouldn’t change their friendship. Cas was as important to him as ever. He needed Cas as much as he needed his mom and Sammy. He never questioned that, not after almost losing Cas, and he wasn’t willing to risk losing him again. Cas wanting to date him or whatever he was trying to tell him didn’t change that fact.

At first, he was pretty good at forgetting the entire conversation. Brushing it off and pushing it aside. But there were these moments when Cas’s eyes fell on him, and it was on display in those shining blue orbs. Before Dean would have held his gaze, but now he quickly looked away. It wasn’t quick enough to avoid seeing the flash of hurt on Cas’s face. He tried to distract Cas with food or movies when it happened. It became a pattern, but over time those moments became less frequent and their friendship settled into its old familiarity. It remained that way throughout their junior year, until the day Cas saw him with a girl. He should have thought about what he was doing, but his body had taken charge. Up until then he never flaunted girls in front of Cas. He kept his extracurricular activities as private as possible. This time Cas got a front-row seat. It was three weeks before their senior year was set to start. Mary convinced Missouri to take a trip for a long weekend. They ended up at a hotel where a group of cheerleaders were staying. It wasn’t long before Dean was sneaking off with a long dark-haired girl named Lisa and ignoring everyone else.

If he had been paying attention at all, he would have known Cas wasn’t going with Sam and his friend. He would have known Cas was only going for a swim. He certainly wouldn’t have brought Lisa to their room. The sound Cas made when he walked in the room was seared in Dean’s brain, and it was only made worse by the look of pure devastation on his best friend’s face. Being a stupid teenage boy caught having sex, Dean proceeded to make it worse by saying,_ A little busy here, Cas. _A half-hour later, he was sitting in his room alone wondering when Cas would return. But he didn’t return because Missouri had taken him home. When Mary came to tell him, she asked what happened, but Dean was too ashamed to tell her. He just shrugged and started packing Cas’s suitcase. Nothing ever happened with Lisa again. In fact, she never said a word about it and neither did he.

The worst part for Dean was having to hear his own words on repeat in his mind. They couldn’t be replaced by others because he didn’t get a chance to say another word to Cas for almost a month. Every night he wondered if Cas was as heartbroken as he was. And then he would remember Cas’s expression and how Cas felt about him, and he would be consumed by guilt. As each day passed without a word from Cas, the guilt began to weigh on Dean. Five days before school he cracked. He blurted the entire story out to his mother after she asked, “What do you want for dinner tonight?” Luckily Sam was in his room with the music on, or he would have heard Mary yelling and swearing. Much to Dean’s surprise, she calmed down rather quickly. The tears in Dean’s eyes might have had something to do with it because one second she was yelling at him and the next Dean was in her arms, and she was telling him everything would be okay.

They talked for almost an hour, most was spent talking about Cas, but a decent-sized portion was spent talking about safe sex. Dean’s cheeks remained red for most of the conversation. Mary pointed it out. “You know if you’re too embarrassed to talk about this, maybe you’re not ready to be doing it.” Dean wanted to say he was fine talking about this stuff with anyone but his mother, but he kept his mouth firmly shut, biting back the words before he set Mary off again. Despite the embarrassment and the yelling, Dean felt better after their talk. His mom convinced him to wait for a sign Cas was ready to talk. That sign did not come until the third day of school. It was subtle and anyone but Dean would have missed it. But Dean knew Cas. He could read the smallest shift in his expression so when Dean saw a tiny hint of sadness creep in amongst Cas’s anger, Dean knew it was time.

He found him sitting on the bleachers, in the spot he always sat to watch Dean and Benny play football. Cas’s shoulders tensed the second Dean stepped onto the bleachers. It was the only movement he made. Dean took it as a good sign, so he approached his friend. When he was about five feet away, he asked Cas if he could sit with him. A slight shrug was his only answer. Dean hoped it meant yes and proceeded to sit down. He waited for a second, wishing Cas would look at him, but Cas kept his head down. Taking a deep breath, Dean said, “I’m sorry, Cas. What I did…it wasn’t right? I was only thinking of myself. It was selfish. It wasn’t fair to you or Lisa.”

Sad blue eyes suddenly lifted and focused intently on Dean. “You hardly knew her. I don’t understand why…” Cas swallowed whatever he was going to say next.

“I wasn’t exactly thinking with my brain.” Dean chuckled, but it came out fake and strained. “Sorry, I know this isn’t funny.” Dean gripped his thighs tightly and said, “The thing with Lisa was just that one time.”

Cas’s mouth fell open before a hard expression snapped into place. “Is that supposed to make it better? That a quick fuck was more important than thinking about my feelings.”

Dean’s head dropped, and he buried it in his hands. Shaking he said, “Shit, I don’t know how to fix this Cas. Every time I open my mouth, I seem to be making it worse.” He sighed as he lifted his head to stare at the sky. “I miss you. What can I do?”

“I miss you, too,” whispered Cas. “You can’t ever do that to me again. Just because I know you fuck around with girls doesn’t mean I want to see it.”

“You knew.”

Cas chuckled darkly. “Of course, I knew. The girls aren’t exactly subtle.” There was a bitterness to his voice when he said, “What I don’t get is why them? At least, I care about you.”

Dean closed his eyes, unable to look at his friend. “Cas, I…um…”

“Stop,” Cas said forcefully. “I shouldn’t have said that. If we’re going to be friends, I can’t do that. You told me you didn’t see me that way, so I shouldn’t say stuff like that.”

“And I shouldn’t throw my…um…you know…in your face.” Dean tried to smile at Cas. “I promise I won’t ever put you in that position again.”

Some of the tension surrounding them eased as Cas nodded and said, “I can accept that.”

They sat quietly for a few minutes, and Dean soaked it up. He hadn’t been in Cas’s presence for close to a month, and it was just nice to feel the comfort only his best friend provided. He thought about what to say and decided on changing the subject. “You going to come to the game tomorrow night?” Dean figured it wasn’t likely but sitting here, in this spot, made him think there was at least a shot he would attend. Cas hadn’t missed one of Dean’s games since they started high school. Cas was always joined by Rhonda, and her influence brought out a wild side in Cas. Dean would miss it if he couldn’t seek them out in the crowd.

“Rhonda already has an idea for our face paint, and she said something about my chest. I’m a bit worried about that.”

“Oh,” said Dean as he looked wide-eyed at Cas. “You should be. That girl has a superpower or something because she can make you do shit you never th...” Dean didn’t just stop talking, he literally slammed his hand over his own mouth.

Cas started laughing as he tried to pry Dean’s hand away. “Nope, you don’t get to stop there. What did you do?”

It was Cas’s laughter which broke Dean’s resolve. He wanted to keep hearing it, and if telling this story would make Cas happy then he would damn well tell it. “Okay, okay. I’ll tell you.” Dean ran his hand down his face and took a deep breath before starting the story. “We were hanging out at her house, but Benny had to go home early so it was just us. And she started talking about all the crap women have to wear, and how uncomfortable stuff is. She was pulling out her high-heeled shoes and her bras. At one point, she had a stack of panties in her hand and she was discussing how some are so much better than the others. I was just nodding along. Next thing I know I was…uh…” Dean closed his eyes and blurted, “…wearing a pair.” He could hear a soft chuckle coming from Cas, so he forged ahead. “They were too tight and horribly uncomfortable. I thought that was going to be the end of it, but then I was wearing a different pair. They were pink and satiny and…and…fuck.”

“You liked it,” said Cas, voice deep and gritty.

“Yeah, I liked it,” breathed Dean on a heavy sigh. He turned to face Cas with a sheepish smile. His face was hot with embarrassment, but it didn’t matter because Cas was staring at him. Staring in the way he always had, as if Dean was the center of his world, and Dean held the gaze instead of turning from it. “Are we okay, Cas?”

“Of course, Dean.”

Dean closed the distance between them, pulling Cas into a tight hug. It might have gone on a fraction too long, but Dean didn’t care because it was Cas. With his arms still wrapped around his friend, Dean said, “Mom’s making pizza for dinner. Wanna come?” Cas nodded against Dean’s shoulder as he whispered, “I’d like that.”

Sam practically barreled over Cas when he walked in the door. The commotion must have alerted Mary because she stepped out of the kitchen, followed by Missouri. The knowing look on Missouri’s face caught Dean’s eye. She stared at him and nodded. He felt compelled to approach her. She pulled him into a hug and said, “About time.” As she leaned back, Dean heard Cas say, “Mama what are you doing here?”

“I came to tell Mary some news, and she invited me to stay for dinner.”

Dean stepped back, making room for Cas, who was immediately pulled into a hug by Missouri. Despite her attempts to whisper, Dean heard Missouri. “I told you today would be the day.”

The hug went on until Mary said, “Cas, I could use your help with the dough. I still haven’t figured out how you toss it without tearing it.”

Cas stepped out of Missouri’s arms and gave Mary a warm smile. “I’d be happy to help.” Dean kept his eyes fixed on his friend as Mary threw her arm around his shoulders. He followed as they walked into the kitchen. Sitting down at the table, he watched as Cas tried once again to teach Mary how to toss the dough. It wasn’t long before Missouri and Sam joined Dean at the table. Laughter filled the room and Dean realized the distance between him and Cas over the last month hurt more than just them. It forced distance between Mary and Missouri, and, by the way Sam jumped on Cas, it was clear Sam had missed Cas, too. With those thoughts, feelings of guilt clenched Dean’s chest.

The touch of a hand on his wrist brought him out of his downward spiral. He shifted his gaze from Cas to Missouri’s hand. “Dean, don’t beat yourself up,” she said quietly.

He nodded as some of the tightness left his chest. “I’ll try.”

“Good, now why don’t you get me some of the iced tea your Mom made?”

The pizza was great, and the conversation was even better. It wasn’t the content of their conversation, but the people involved which made it better. Listening to Cas tell a story about his first day of school, Dean felt more settled than he had in a month. He felt more at home.

The feeling lasted through most of their senior year. Dean and Cas spent most of their time together, surrounded by their circle of friends. When Dean dated, which was rare and usually short-lived, he kept the kissing and touching to a minimum in the presence of others. And when he hooked up, which was often, he did it when Cas was not around or at least out of his sight-line. It worked for them or at least Dean hoped it worked. He was never really sure because Cas avoided any conversation related to it. The pattern and rhythm they had fallen into continued until about six weeks before their senior prom when Dean was knocked off his equilibrium. It was the same as every other school day. He was waiting for Cas, so they could ride home together. Leaning back against the Impala, he watched the door and was surprised to see his friend was not alone. His eyes were immediately drawn to Inias, who was leaning on Cas and laughing. They remained tight together as they approached the car. Dean waited, unable to move or say anything. Cas stopped in front of him and smiled. “Do you mind if we give Inias a ride home? I made him miss his ride.”

“Nah, I don’t mind,” Dean said with a fake smile plastered on his face.

Inias bounced a little on his feet as he said, “Thanks, Dean.”

A new pattern of their life was established that day. Suddenly Inias was part of their group. He rode to and from school with them at least three times a week. He hung out with them on Friday nights, always hanging on Cas. Dean started to feel like a third wheel at some point. The feeling worsened over time, and so he decided he needed to distract himself. The distraction came in the form of Anna, a redhead with a commanding presence. Keeping his promise to Cas was much more difficult when it came to Anna because she was always touching and kissing him. Dean did manage to keep most of their activities behind closed doors, but he still felt like he failed Cas. And from some of the looks he got from Cas, he knew he had. He wanted to break it off with Anna, but prom was only a few weeks away and he wasn’t that much of a dick. Instead, he buried any and all feelings about his situation and the situation with Inias. He pretended everything was fine, and he thought he did a damn good acting job until his mom told him otherwise.

“Why don’t you just break up with her, Dean? You aren’t happy with her.”

He had just returned home from dropping Anna off and was shocked to see his mom waiting for him on the front step. “Huh?”

“Why are you pretending to like her?”

“I’m not…well, I wasn’t.” Dean flopped down onto the top step and buried his head in his hands. Mary sat down next to him and rubbed his back. “How’d you know?”

“The smile you use around her doesn’t reach your eyes.”

Dean lifted his head to look at his mother. “I didn’t want to break up with her right before prom, but I didn’t realize I would be so miserable.”

“You’re going to carry on this charade through prom and go with a date you don’t even like,” huffed Mary.

“I don’t dislike her, Mom. I just don’t like her that way.” He stared at his mom imploring her to understand. “I can’t just ditch her for prom, that would be a dick move.”

“No, but you could tell her the truth and let her decide what she wants.” Mary didn’t wait for him to respond. She stood up and walked to the front door. As she opened it, she said, “Just think about it.”

And Dean did for the next week and then the following one, and then it was too late anyway, so he found himself in a tuxedo with Anna on his arm as her mom took pictures. He tried to smile, but everything about the night was putting him on edge. Cas, Benny, and Rhonda were at Inias’s house for photos, and so he was stuck at Anna’s with people he barely knew. Worse yet, Anna’s family was the country club type and so was the other couple with them. He felt like a fish out of water and couldn’t wait until they moved on to his house, and his friends would join them. It seemed to take forever and by the end, he was clenching his jaw. It didn’t relax until he pulled in his driveway. His mom and Missouri greeted him at the door, ushering the others inside.

Ten minutes later, Dean heard Benny’s beat-up car pull into the driveway. The sound of several feet echoed from the porch before the door opened and Cas walked inside. Everything around Dean disappeared as he stared at his best friend. His tux fit him like a glove, and his royal blue tie brought out his eyes. All Dean could think was, _When__ did my nerdy, skinny best friend turn into a man, and how did I miss it_. That thought was immediately followed by the realization he hadn’t taken a breath since Cas stepped in the door. He took a ragged breath as more strange thoughts raced through his mind. _He’s gorgeous. Fucking hell, he’s hot. I want to kiss him_. The last one broke his brain for a second, and he backed out of the room to try and get it back online. His traitorous mind, however, wouldn’t stop picturing Cas standing tall and proud and beautiful.

He only calmed down when Sam walked in and started talking to him. He shook off the last remnants of the staggering revelations and followed his brother back into the living room. He hoped he had reined in whatever the hell that was, but a new feeling emerged almost worse than the others. Inias was wrapped in Cas’s arms and smiling up at him in a way which left no doubt about his feelings for Cas. Dean’s stomach heaved, and his breath caught again. All he wanted to do was pull Inias out of Cas’s arms and take his place. He started walking forward but was brought up short by a set of arms circling his waist. “Where were you, everyone is ready?” asked Anna. For once, he was actually glad Anna was there because he needed to get himself in check and being with her took a lot of concentration. He put on his plastic smile and walked her over to the others.

They spent way too long taking pictures before heading out to dinner. Dean was grateful Rhonda was the one to get their reservations for the night, so they weren’t stuck at some overly fancy restaurant. It was bad enough that all through dinner his eyes kept seeking out Cas. It would have been worse if the food couldn’t distract him as they ate. Thankfully, the burger he ordered took his full attention, and for those glorious minutes, he forgot about his earlier thoughts. It didn’t last because somehow his friend had not only become a man, but he was also an incredible dancer. Dean spent most of the night simply watching his friend. Even when he tried to remember he was on a date, he most often failed. By the end of the night, Anna had pretty much disappeared, dancing with her friends and some guy named Blake. When it was time to leave, she mentioned going to the country club with her friends. No longer able to hold up the charade, he remained seated as he said, “Have a good time.” He turned back to Benny before she even walked away.

Benny burst out laughing. “Well, that was one way to end it.”

“Should have done it weeks ago.”

“No shit. You two never fit, and by the looks of it, she thought the same.”

Dean turned around and spotted Anna kissing Blake. It didn’t phase him in the slightest. Cas, on the other hand, looked like he was about to lose it. Benny beat Dean out of his seat and grabbed Cas before he made it over to Anna. Dean joined them a fraction of a second later. “Cas, buddy, I told her to go.”

“What?” Confused blue eyes bored into him.

“I was only staying with her ‘til prom.”

“Oh,” Cas said as he tipped his head, “why didn’t you tell me?”

“You’ve been kinda busy with your…” He just barely stopped himself from saying boyfriend before he stammered, “um…with Inias…it’s no big deal.”

The head tilt became more pronounced as Cas furrowed his brow. “Dean, I am never too busy for you. Inias has nothing to do with it.”

“But wouldn’t it bother him if you…um…ah…” Once again Dean began to stammer over his words.

“What genius over here is trying to say is wouldn’t it bother your boyfriend if you ditched him to spend time with your friends?"

The burst of laughter from Cas was loud and unexpected. Benny and Dean stared wide-eyed until Cas got it under control. “Inias is not my boyfriend.”

Now it was Dean’s turn to look confused. “But you…really?”

“Yes, really. We went on a couple of dates, but I decided we were better as friends.”

“Does he know that?” asked Benny bluntly.

Cas sighed, “He didn’t want to accept it at first, but after I explained my reasons he understood completely. And before you ask, I am not sharing my reasons.”

“Okay, then. That’s good. I mean as long as it’s what you want, Cas,” Dean said as he reached out and clapped Cas on the shoulder.

“It is.” Cas nodded and then proceeded to scan the room. “Are you ready to go? We should probably retrieve Rhonda before she gets into trouble.” Their friend was currently climbing onto a table while trying to hold her dress out of the way, revealing a bit too much of herself in the process.

“Shit,” said Benny gruffly. “I’ll get her.” He stomped off and pulled Rhonda down, throwing her over his shoulder. They all made a hasty retreat, grabbing Inias as they rushed out the door.

They ended up back at Benny’s house to find his mother laying out platters of food. They spent the night eating and playing poker. As usual, Cas cleaned house while Rhonda complained about cheating. They ended up all crashing on the floor in the basement in a heaping pile of blankets and two pillows. No one was willing to go upstairs to get more pillows so they fought over the two they had, ending up in a game of tug of war. They gave up and shared the pillows after no one was declared the victor.


	3. Chapter 3

Dean was grateful the busy night helped him forget what transpired at his house. He was even more grateful for Cas’s baggy clothes which helped him push aside his new feelings. Those clothes were the answer to why he hadn’t seen the change in his friend. The problem was summer was approaching, and once the truly hot weather hit, the baggy clothes would be gone. Dean dreaded it even as he was wishing for summer to start. He was ready to be done with high school. It had always struggled to hold his attention, but the last months of senior year were even worse. He preferred working with his hands, so he was lucky Mr. Singer, through some miracle, had managed to keep auto shop despite the district’s budget cuts. Without auto shop and his drafting classes, Dean wasn’t sure he would even have stayed in school. Not that Mary or Cas or Sam or Missouri would have let him drop out. And Mr. Singer, well, Bobby would have slapped him upside the head and threatened to fire him from his part-time job if he didn’t finish school.

The gruff man had been a fixture in their lives since the second John ran out on them. Bobby had tried for years to get John on the right track. Taking him in and sobering him up before sending him home. It never stuck and eventually, John refused to talk to Bobby. He refused to let Bobby come to the house. Once John left for good, Bobby stepped right back into their lives bringing his new wife with him. Ellen was almost as gruff as the old man. Watching them go toe to toe with each other was its own form of entertainment. Ellen usually came out on top, to no one’s surprise, not even Bobby’s. It was thanks to Ellen Dean finally decided on what he was going to do once he graduated. He loved his auto mechanic’s classes and working at Bobby’s auto and restoration shop. Bobby had offered him a full-time position once he graduated, but Ellen was adamant he should get a degree first. She, along with Mary, convinced Bobby to push Dean toward school. With those three adults, and of course Cas and Sam joining in, Dean had little choice in the manner. He complained about meddling adults and friends, but underneath he was glad they all believed in him, and he was looking forward to college.

That didn’t mean he was interested in his current school. Graduation couldn’t come fast enough. Even Cas, who loved school, was ready for it to be over. Cabin fever wasn’t aided by the fact they were both looking forward to their jobs over the summer. Bobby had secured Dean a part-time position with a graphic design firm. When Dean complained about how he should just work full-time at Bobby’s, the old man said, “You need to learn more than just how to change a timing belt, Dean. You need to see and understand computers and artistry and their role in this business.”

After listening to Bobby, Dean didn’t really know why he complained in the first place. He loved designing and computer-aided drafting. There was little doubt the job would help him if he pursued the restoration side of Bobby’s business. So, with a blush and a, _Thanks__ old man_, he accepted the job. Cas’s route to his summer job was slightly more difficult. It was only because of his relentless pursuit of the fire chief and his innate stubbornness he was able to secure a position at the fire department. Bobby probably had a bit more to do with it than he led on, but for the most part it was Cas being Cas which convinced Rufus to take on a sixteen-year-old volunteer. For two years, Cas did every crappy job Rufus threw at him, and so there was no question he would be hired after he graduated. Cas, of course, was treated no different than Dean and was pushed to get a degree. Rufus insisted Cas pursue fire science and get EMT training. It didn’t occur to Dean until two weeks before they graduated to really think about what it all meant. Up until then, Cas’s work at the fire department was scut work around the fire station. 

“Mom, he’s going to be running into burning buildings.”

“Why is this coming as such a shock to you right now? Cas has wanted to be a firefighter since he was fourteen years old. This is nothing new.”

Dean shook his head before dropping it down to the kitchen table. He banged it a few times before he said, “I just never thought he would actually become one. It was like how I wanted to be an astronaut or a police officer or a cowboy. Ya know, things you wouldn’t really ever end up doing.” Dean lifted his head to look at his mother, hoping to see understanding in her eyes, but he was met with a hard look.

“So, you think these careers are what?” Mary asked angrily. Dean didn’t have an answer, so he just stared back at her. “Dean let’s take a look at the jobs you just chose to mention. Benny, your friend, is going to the police academy. Ellen works for an animal rehabilitation center and spends most of her days on the back of a horse. And Ash works for NASA. So, I’m not sure why Cas pursuing his childhood dream is surprising to you.”

“Because I don’t want him to do it,” snapped Dean. His face flamed, and his eyes grew wide. “Aw, shit.”

Mary’s expression went from perplexed to knowing in a fraction of a second. “You’re scared.” She reached out and laid her hand on his arm. “You can’t stop him, and you need to find a way to be supportive.”

“I know that,” Dean said sounding resigned. “I guess I know why I’ve been snapping at him lately. I’m mad at him for picking something so damn dangerous.” Mary’s eyes shifted upwards, over Dean’s shoulder, wide with shock, before returning to Dean with an apology in them. “Fuck,” said Dean as he felt a strong hand land on his shoulder. “You could have said something,” Dean whined to Mary.

She gave him a sad smile as Cas said, “I just walked in Dean.”

“Yeah, and what exactly did you hear?”

Cas’s hand slipped off Dean’s shoulder as he took a seat next to him. “I didn’t know you were upset about my career choice. I’ve been volunteering for two years, and you never said anything.”

“Well, it seems I’m a moron because I never thought about you actually being a firefighter and what that meant. I never thought about you doing this dangerous effing job.” Dean shifted in his seat until he was directly facing Cas, whose blue eyes shimmered with sympathy. “Don’t look at me like that.”

Cas leaned back in his seat as he turned to look at Mary. “Would you give us a minute?” Mary nodded and quickly left the room. “Dean, I understand this isn’t easy for you. Missouri struggles with it, too. I think she hoped I’d grow out of it, but this is what I want to do. I think it’s what I was meant to do. Ever since that day, I have never considered another career.”

“That’s just it Cas. I don’t get how it made you want to do this job. Two firefighters died that day.”

Cas’s eyes drifted close as the screams and terror filled his mind. He let it wash over him, and then he opened his eyes with a close-lipped smile gracing his face. “But don’t you see, without them so many lives would have been lost. I wouldn’t be here, Rhonda wouldn’t be here.”

“I know they died saving people, but…”

“No buts,” interjected Cas. He sighed heavily before he said, “Rufus showed me the report from the fire before he agreed to hire me permanently. He said I needed to understand what went wrong and why they died. They went in after the building was structurally compromised. They should have never gone back in, especially since they didn’t know if anyone was still in there.”

Shaking his head, Dean said, “I don’t get it. Why did he want you to know that?”

“Because he wanted me to know how easy it is to make a mistake. He wanted me to know how vigilant you have to be and how important it is to understand and respect fire’s destructive capabilities. He didn’t want me to focus on the heroics but on the science.” Cas sat forward then and took Dean’s hand in his own. “I promise I will do everything in my power to stay safe.”

Dean exhaled sharply. “You better.” He gave Cas a crooked smile. “Or I’ll kick your ass.”

A bright smile lit up Cas’s face. “I wouldn’t expect any less.”

The summer passed quickly, and it wasn’t until almost four years later their conversation came into play. Up until then, Dean had effectively lived in a bubble when it came to Cas and firefighting. He didn’t want any details and never watched fire coverage on the news. Late on a typical Friday night, it all changed. They were hanging out at Inias’s when Cas got the alert. It was a five-alarm fire, and every available person was needed. As soon as Cas left Inias’s apartment, someone turned on the TV. The fire was on every local channel. Dean wanted to leave the room, wanted desperately to look away, but for some reason, he was frozen in front of the screen. He hadn’t moved in over an hour when the first reports of casualties began to surface. The numbers increased as the night wore on. No names were given. When a stretcher was pulled from the wreckage of the building, everyone in the room gasped. There was little doubt the person being moved to one of the remaining ambulances was a firefighter.

There was about ten seconds of absolute silence before Dean started screaming. Benny had to physically restrain him as Inias rushed to shut off the TV. When he started throwing punches, Inias grabbed his arms and helped Benny wrestle him down onto the couch. They held him as he raged. It took well over fifteen minutes for him to stop struggling. Even then he was still yelling, demanding they let him go. Every muscle in Dean’s body hurt by the time the call came in around five a.m. It was Bobby who made the call.

Dean started screaming before Bobby could say a word. “Where is Cas?”

“Dean, shut up,” yelled Bobby forcefully. “It wasn’t Cas.”

All the air left Dean’s lungs, and he collapsed onto the floor before Benny could catch him. Tears slid down his face. He had never felt more relieved, not even after they found Cas all those years ago. “He’s really okay,” he managed to choke out through his quiet sobs.

“He’s okay. He’s the one who pulled the other firefighter out.” Bobby stopped speaking, but Dean could hear muttering in the background. The muttering grew louder, and then he heard a faint, “Just tell him.” Ellen continued to repeat it until Bobby cut her off. “All right, I’ll tell him.” A heavy sigh echoed in Dean’s ear, and then Bobby said cautiously, “He’s in the hospital.”

“What the fuck, Bobby? You said he was okay.”

“He is. He told me himself.”

“Well, that’s just fucking great. Take the word of the person who would tell you he’s fine if he was dying. Seriously, you took his word of all people.”

Bobby scoffed, “Of course I didn’t take his word. Do you really think I’m that much of an idjit? His mama’s there and so is yours.”

Dean started yelling again at that news. He only stopped when he heard Ellen yell, “Obviously you are an idiot. Why the hell would you tell him that?” There was a scuffle, and then Ellen’s voice filtered from the phone. “Your mom just found out and rushed down there to be with Missouri. She asked Bobby to call you. As you can imagine, Missouri took this about as well as you did, so your mom has her hands full keeping Missouri in check.” She paused briefly before adding, “Dean, if you want to join them, you have to calm down. And Benny gets to decide if he thinks you’re calm enough.”

At those words, Dean looked at his friend to see him talking on the phone and nodding. “He’s talking to Bobby right now, isn’t he?”

“Yes, so be a good boy and get yourself in check so you can go see your best friend.”

“Yeah, I can do that.”

The hospital was in total chaos when Dean, Inias, and Benny walked in the door. They scanned the area quickly looking for Mary or Missouri when Dean’s eyes landed on a familiar head of floppy brown hair, he groaned in frustration. “What the hell is Sammy doing here?”

Ignoring the question, Benny grabbed his arm and dragged him over to Sam. “Hey, kiddo, any more news?”

“Nothing yet,” said Sam as he shook, exhaustion evident in the movement and the fact he didn’t argue about being called a kid. “Mom and Missouri just got to go back there. They’ve only been gone about fifteen minutes.”

Dean had held it in as long as he could. Knowing if he didn’t say it now, he would only get more pissed. “They let you come and tried to keep me away. I’m his best friend for fuck’s sake.” His tone was harsh, and the set of his jaw was equally hard. He saw his brother wince, but he was too angry to temper his expression. Instead, he waited.

Before Sam answered, he took a step back. “Um…I was the one who answered the phone when the nurse called. And um…Mom didn’t want to leave me home, and she had to come so here I am.” Sam’s voice was shaky, and it even cracked a few times. Dean knew he should feel guilty about it, but he didn’t have it in him at the moment.

“And why didn’t you call me?” he demanded as he continued to glare at Sam.

“Um…they decided Bobby should call you.” Benny patted Sam’s arm, and it seemed to ease the eighteen-year old’s nerves. When he spoke again, his voice was steady. “And I have every right to be here Dean. Cas is basically my brother. You aren’t the only one who loves him.”

The mention of love deflated Dean’s anger and compelled him to hug his little brother. “I know Sammy. Sorry for going off on you.”

Sam tightened the hug and whispered, “I get it. I was freaking out, too.”

Stepping out of the hug, Dean nodded once. Inias tapped him on the shoulder and gestured behind him. When Dean turned, he saw his mother coming toward him. He closed the distance between them in a few quick strides. She opened her arms, and Dean fell into them. “He’s okay, and before you ask if I’m sure you can come back and see for yourself.”

Dean sighed, “Am I that predictable?”

“When it comes to this kind of stuff, yeah you are,” Mary said with a chuckle. “Cas is waiting for you. I’ll fill the boys in on his condition. You go.”

Before she even finished, Dean took off. It wasn’t until he went through the large door he realized he forgot to ask where he was going. Just as he was about to turn around and go ask, he heard him. “Mama, stop fussing. You heard the doctor. I am fine.” Dean could picture Missouri hovering over Cas. Fluffing his pillow, fixing his gown, running her hand through his hair. He stepped toward the sound and looked in the door just in time to see Cas swat her hand away from his head. The remaining tension in Dean’s body bled out when he saw the aggravated look on Cas’s face. It was so familiar and so typical of his friend it made Dean smile as he entered the room. “Hello Dean. Would you tell Missouri I am fine?”

“He isn’t going to tell me any such thing because that fool boy doesn’t know.”

“Hey,” cried Dean defensively.

“Are you saying you do know?” asked Missouri.

“Well, no,” said Dean tentatively.

“Okay, then, as long as we understand each other.” Missouri brushed her hand through Cas’s hair before turning to face Dean. “I’ll let you two boys talk. I need to find the nurse anyway.”

Cas rolled his eyes and sighed, “Mama, leave the poor nurse alone.” Missouri didn’t acknowledge his words as she walked out the door. Cas shifted his gaze until it landed on Dean. There was a heaviness in Cas’s eyes. When Dean stepped closer, he saw some bandages on Cas’s wrist and hand. “Dean, come here. I’m fine.” Dean hadn’t realized he’d stopped moving until Cas spoke. He took the last two steps, grabbing Cas’s outstretched hand. “Are you okay?” asked Cas gently.

“I’m the one who’s supposed to be asking that.”

“Dean,” admonished Cas.

“Okay, fine. I didn’t handle it very well.”

“And by that, you mean Benny had to manhandle you to keep you from driving to the fire.”

Dean grinned sheepishly. “Not quite. It was Benny and Inias.” Dean’s smile vanished, and he ducked his head. “Are you really okay?”

Cas squeezed his hand. “Yes, I am. Something hit me on the head. They did all the tests. It’s just a concussion and a few minor burns.”

Letting go of Cas’s hand, Dean turned around to grab the chair. He pulled it closer to the bed before sitting down and asking, “How did you burn your hand?”

“I was disoriented and must have taken off my glove to check my head wound. Once I noticed, I didn’t have time to look for it because I had to get to Donna. She was pinned under some debris and wasn’t answering me.” Cas seemed to fade into the memory for several seconds. When he snapped out of it, he said, “I didn’t think I’d get her out of there.”

“But you did,” said Dean solemnly. Not wanting to fall back into his worry, Dean needed to change the tone of their conversation. “Now, as I recall I was going to kick your scrawny ass if you threw yourself into danger.”

Cas threw his head back and laughed. “My ass hasn’t been scrawny in years. In fact, it’s a very fine ass. Just ask my nurse.”

The heat of a blush came unbidden to Dean’s cheeks. He tried to cover his reaction with indignation. “What the hell is your nurse doing checking out your ass?”

If possible, Cas laughed harder, and this time it was a bit wicked. “Why do you want to know?”

“Um…well…isn’t that unethical or something?”

Just then the door opened and in walked Daniel, Cas’s former boyfriend. Whatever indignation Dean felt before quadrupled in a heartbeat. Daniel always rubbed Dean the wrong way. He had monopolized Cas’s time and tried to push Dean aside. Pretty hard to do when Dean was Cas’s roommate, but then no one said he was the brightest. Besides, best friend of ten years versus boyfriend of three weeks wasn’t exactly a fair fight. Cas, thank fuck, sent him packing after the idiot asked Dean to leave his own apartment for the night. Presumptuous ass got his ass handed to him. As much as Dean loved that particular memory, there were parts of it he tried wholeheartedly to forget. Like the fact Cas’s righteous anger turned him the fuck on. Yeah, that was the part he buried and reburied and cemented over. Having already flushed over Cas mentioning his fine ass, Dean slammed his mind shut on those errant thoughts and replaced them with his profound dislike for the slimy asshole currently checking on Cas’s wounds.

He glared at the man but clamped his mouth shut when Cas squeezed his hand on the far side of too tight. The cease and desist look on his friend’s face kept his mouth shut. He tried to use his most effective pout, but Cas was having none of it. Cas minutely shook his head before turning back to Daniel. Whatever peace Cas was trying to achieve was shattered when Daniel deigned to open his mouth and speak to Dean. “I see you’re still clinging to your best friend.” The last two words were said with a sneer. Cas’s blue eyes flashed to Dean, and he knew instantly what those steely eyes were saying.

He didn’t waste another second. “Better than being an insecure baby who can’t handle his boyfriend having other people in his life. And if you forgot, he chose me, not your possessive ass.”

Daniel’s fists clenched as he stared at Dean. Ever the diplomat, Cas decided to intervene. “Seems we settled that. Now, when can I get out of here?” The nurse looked like he wanted to protest, but a raised eyebrow from Cas seemed to change his mind. Instead, he said something about finding the doctor and scurried out of the room.

“Man, I hate that guy.”

“Dean you hate every guy I’ve ever dated.”

“That’s not true. I like Inias.”

Cas sighed dramatically. “I never really dated Inias.”

“Hmm, well…it’s not my fault you pick losers.”

“You’re one to talk. The parade of women you bring around never usually make it beyond one night. Speaking of your women, shouldn’t you be on the road to go spend the day with Lori?"

Dean shifted around in his seat and refused to make eye contact with Cas. “Yeah, about that. I sorta called it off.”

“You didn’t have to do that. I don’t need you to babysit me.”

The fidgeting increased, and Dean started bouncing his leg aggressively. “I didn’t just call off our plans. When I called to let her know I couldn’t come because you were in the hospital, she started complaining. She didn’t even ask if you were okay. So, long story short, I dumped her.” Cas stared at Dean, scrutinizing his every shift and every breath. “What?” snapped Dean. “It’s not like I want long-term anyway.”

“It was ten days, Dean.”

“That’s a long time for me,” said Dean. With a cocky smile, he added, “It’s not like you’re one to talk. Your longest only lasted a couple months.”

“But at least I try,” said Cas wistfully. “Half the time you don’t even bother getting the woman’s number.”

Dean sat back in the chair and explained his reasoning to Cas one more time. “It’s better than leading them on. I lay it all out for them, so it’s their choice.” He wondered if Cas would finally accept this was just the way Dean was or if they would endlessly have this discussion. He was pretty sure he knew the answer, but still he could hope.

“Even if that’s the truth, you always leave out the other part of the equation. Your needs.”

And there goes his hope. The man will never believe Dean. No matter how many times he says, _My_ _needs are simple, and they get filled plenty_. Not wanting to continue this broken record of a conversation, Dean jumped up from his seat and said, “I’m gonna go and get, um, Sammy, Inias, and Benny. I’m sure they’re dying to see you.” He didn’t need to have eyes in the back of his head to see the disappointment in Cas’s eyes. He had seen it on numerous occasions before, and he knew it stemmed from Cas’s feelings for him. Feelings the firefighter struggled to hide at times. They would leak out in their quiet moments together, in the intensity of their fights, or in the midst of their conversations about relationships. The worst part was Dean lived for those glimpses. He knew it was selfish to want Cas to carry a torch for him while offering him nothing in return. And yet, he couldn’t stop himself from wanting it. _I’m an asshole_, he thought to himself.

Cas was frustrated when they arrived home, but he knew it could have been worse. At least he was allowed to be in his own apartment, in his own room. If Dean didn’t mother him nearly as much as Missouri, she would have never let Cas go. As it was, she insisted on following them to the apartment, just to be sure Dean was properly prepared. The two of them were currently in the kitchen discussing his wound care. Cas tried to tune it out, having already heard it more than once at the hospital. He turned the TV on and put it on some random action movie. Despite his concussion, he turned the volume up until their voices faded away. He wanted to lose himself in the movie, but the images of Donna, unresponsive and bleeding, continued to flash across his mind. They were less frequent since he found out she was upgraded to stable condition, but no less unnerving. Donna’s usual jovial self suddenly devoid of animation was simply wrong. Part of him wanted to sneak out and head back to the hospital, but his aching head suggested otherwise. Besides if he tried, the two people in the kitchen would never let him out of their sight. He leaned back into the couch, resigning himself to his current predicament.

Not ten seconds later, Dean’s loud footsteps and Missouri’s exasperated voice filled the room. “You are not supposed to be watching TV,” she said as Dean grabbed the remote and turned the offending item off. “Do we need to put you in your room, or are you going to behave?”

“I’ll behave, Mama,” he sighed. She leaned over and kissed his forehead. He closed his eyes and let go of his frustration, accepting the love she was offering.

“Good. I will leave you in Dean’s hands, but if you step out of line, I will be back.” Missouri patted his cheek before walking to the door. “Dean, take care of my boy,” she said as she walked to the door.

“I will,” said Dean, voice gruff and serious.

Missouri looked back at Castiel and smiled before walking out the door. Dean shut it behind her and then made his way back over to Cas. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m good.”

Dean sat down next to him and put his hand on Cas’s knee. “No, you’re not. Something is bothering you, and it isn’t your wounds.”

Closing his eyes, Cas took a deep breath. “How do you do that?” he asked as he turned to look at Dean.

“The same way you do,” Dean said with a hint of a smile. “No getting around how well we read each other after all these years. What is it?”

Cas leaned his head against Dean’s shoulder while the other man rubbed soothing circles on his leg. “I keep thinking about Donna.”

“I’m sorry you didn’t get a chance to see her. From what everyone said, she’s going to be fine.”

Curling further into Dean’s side, Cas said, “I know, but it doesn’t erase the images in my head. Do you think you could distract me?”

“Hmm…I know just the thing.” With those words, Cas knew what was coming. For months Dean had been regaling him with stories of the gutsy older woman who seemed to come to Bobby’s shop for no apparent reason, other than to spend time with Dean. The first time she came was to get her car fixed, but ever since she would show up once or twice a week. Only when Dean was working, according to Bobby. This story was similar to the others he had heard thus far. She flirted relentlessly with Dean to the point the mechanic admitted she had him blushing. There was little she wouldn’t say to the young man, but this time the conversation took an unexpected shift.

“I don’t know what changed, but Mildred started talking about her husband. The pain of losing him and the loneliness which followed. She talked about him like the wound was fresh even though, according to Bobby, her husband died over twenty years ago.” Dean seemed stunned by her grief after so long, but Cas could see it clearly. For if he lost Dean, he knew it would be much the same, despite the fact they were friends and nothing more, as far as Dean was concerned and at least when Cas succeeded in lying to himself. He felt for this woman he never met and hoped Dean offered her comfort and companionship for it seemed it was what she needed. Dean broke off Cas’s musings when he asked, “Do you think you could ever love someone like that?”

“Yes,” Cas said quickly and emphatically. Too quickly if he thought about it. He hoped Dean would move on, but he should have known better.

“You seem very sure.”

Cas tried to appear nonchalant and brush off the topic. “Nah…what else did you talk about?” The firefighter saw the flicker of curiosity in Dean’s eyes before he closed it off and allowed the subject change.

“She kept talking to me about finding what I want. About not waiting or I would regret it. She sounded like Missouri. I have to say it kinda freaked me out.”

The laugh bursting from Cas’s mouth was nervous and strained. He cleared his throat and rushed to say, “You read way too much into Missouri’s commentary, and I’m sure you’re doing the same with Mildred.”

“Maybe, but I just get this feeling I’m missing something. Like they aren’t telling me the whole story.”

Cas needed out of the conversation before he threw out his opinion which would achieve nothing except to open himself up to more heartache. He closed his eyes and reached up and rubbed at his temples. He might as well use his concussion and Dean’s penchant for caregiving to his advantage. It worked faster than Cas would have predicted. Dean ran his fingers through Cas’s hair and whispered, “I think that’s enough for now. You need rest.” Cas kept his eyes closed as he nodded. He felt Dean stand and the touch of his hand. He allowed Dean to gently pull him to his feet and escort him to his room and into his bed.

Hearing about Mildred’s loneliness triggered similar feelings in Cas, and he reached out to Dean who was still hovering by the bed. He needed his friend, but he also knew to keep his distance from Dean at times like this. It was a painful aspect of their relationship which emerged unbidden at times. This time he gave in to his need and asked for what he wanted. “Stay with me.”

Dean’s hesitation hung heavy in the air. It was not something they did very often, especially after Cas had confessed his feelings all those years ago, but it did still happen. Mostly when either of them was trapped in their own vulnerability. With each passing second, Cas’s hope slipped away. He didn’t want the hesitation to turn into awkwardness and eventually tension, so he gave Dean an out. “I could use a drink of water.”

“Sure,” Dean said, voice filled with discomfort. “I’ll go…um…get that. Yeah, be right back.”

Rolling over to face the far wall, Cas curled into a ball and begged for sleep to take him before his friend returned. He evened out his breathing and tucked the blanket up around himself. Burrowing down into the bed further, hiding from the man making his way back to the room. He sensed Dean standing in the doorway, and he felt his eyes on him. Seconds, or maybe it was minutes, passed before Dean entered the room. Cas was attuned to his every move and every breath. The glass being set down on the nightstand. The sigh which accompanied it. The shift of the blankets. The dip of the bed. The slight touch to his shoulder. Through it all, Cas remained immobile, fighting to appear asleep. He regretted it when Dean began to whisper to what he assumed was a sleeping man.

“You scared me. God Cas, I couldn’t live without you. I could hardly breathe until I saw you sitting up in the hospital bed.” The words were punctuated with another touch to his shoulder. This time the hand lingered. Cas berated himself for staying silent. For taking the coward’s way out. For being desperate enough for Dean’s touch to be willing to deceive his friend. With those thoughts plaguing him, he finally fell asleep. He awoke briefly to find himself wrapped around a sleeping Dean. The mechanic’s back to his chest, their hands clasped over Dean’s chest. He wanted to stay and savor it, but knew if Dean awoke…Well, he didn’t really want to think about his friend’s reaction, so instead he extricated himself and rolled away, positioning himself on the far edge of the bed. When he awoke next, Dean was gone, and the room felt empty without his presence, as it often did. Cas was left wondering why he continued to torture himself. He needed to find someone else. He needed to move on, or this would consume him.

It was time to take Rhonda up on her offer. She had been trying for weeks to set him up with a guy she met in her Spanish class. After the disaster of his other attempts to date, all three of them, he balked at any mention of trying again. He knew now it was the wrong approach. He wanted to share his life with someone, and since the man he loved was not an option, he needed to put himself out there. Besides, Rhonda was a pretty good judge of character, and she knew him well. If she said this guy was right for him, he should trust her.

Decision made, he pushed himself up and swung his legs out of the bed. Planting his feet firmly when a wave of dizziness swept over him. “Maybe not today,” he said to the empty room, voice condescending and scolding. Dean must have heard him moving because his body suddenly filled the doorway.

“You okay?”

“Just a little dizzy,” he answered honestly, too tired to pretend.

Crossing the room, Dean came around the bed and stood in front of Cas, holding out a fresh glass of water. “Figured you’d need this since you fell asleep before.”

Cas gulped the water, dribbling some down his chin. He swept his hand over the moisture. “Thank you." 

After the nap, they spent the remainder of the day with Cas trying to do anything and Dean putting a stop to most of it. By the time Cas crawled into bed, he didn’t want to see Dean’s face or his scolding scowl. When he awoke, he looked forward to a quiet morning alone, but it seemed Dean had other plans. Cas stomped to the kitchen. His roommate was in the process of cooking a gigantic breakfast. Dean turned to smile at Cas. “Morning.”

Impatient and irritated, he asked, “Why aren’t you at work?”

“I took the day off. Duh.”

“Why would you do that? I am perfectly fine. I don’t need you to baby me.”

Dean leveled Cas with another of his scowls. “I am not babying you. I am helping you. There is a difference, Cas.” He turned back to face the stove as he added, “And you may be okay, but your dominant hand is burned and fully wrapped. You can use my help whether your stubborn ass admits it or not.”

Cas knew Dean had a point, but with the man’s smug attitude, he found himself itching to argue. “I have two hands, Dean. If I needed someone to monopolize my time, I could still be dating Daniel.”

When Dean’s eyes met Cas’s, he knew he had pushed the man too far. Anger radiated off Dean, to the point it was almost palpable. Cas took a step back and held up his hands, but it was too late to placate Dean. “Fuck you, how dare you compare me to that possessive jerk. If you want me gone so bad, I’ll pack my shit and go.”

It was not a new threat. When they first moved in together, Dean often threatened to move out. Cas knew to wait him out, and Dean would eventually give him a sheepish look of apology. He waited, but this time it didn’t come. He watched as Dean turned off the stove and walked out of the room. Part of him wanted to follow, but he talked himself out of it. It was better to leave Dean alone when he needed to calm down. But Cas had read the situation wrong. He had underestimated Dean’s reaction. It wasn’t until late that afternoon, as he reflected over the morning, he saw the subtle differences from the previous threats. Dean’s statement was said with more finality and less snark. It was punctuated by hurt, not anger, in his gaze.

If he had allowed the small part of him which wanted to follow Dean and talk to him win, maybe Dean wouldn’t have packed a bag. Maybe he would be here now watching TV with Cas. Instead, the firefighter found himself alone and feeling even more lonely. Dean was the light in Cas’s life. He always had been, since the day they met. Without him, Cas’s morose nature won out. It was clear in the days he spent on the street as a teenager. And it was clear now. Cas without Dean was a fraction of the man he was with his friend at his side. He wanted so badly to right his wrong, but Dean would not answer his phone. When he called Sam, he knew nothing of their fight or where his brother was. The story was the same when he called Mary and Benny. The hesitation in Bobby’s voice told him the older man had an idea of where Dean was but was unwilling to share it.

Cas chucked the phone onto the couch and stormed to his room. He changed out of his pajama pants, throwing on the first clothes he found. He grabbed his car keys as he exited the apartment building, ignoring the voice in his head repeatedly saying he was not cleared to drive. He first drove to the garage, but no one had seen Dean. He made his way to Bobby’s, but the absence of the Impala was clue enough, so he didn’t bother stopping. He drove around aimlessly after that, stopping at restaurants and bars they frequented. He grew frustrated and angry, partly at Dean but mostly at himself. Lashing out at Dean was uncalled for, and he knew it even as the words had left his mouth. Yet, he didn’t stop himself, he didn’t apologize, instead he had thought Dean should be the one to apologize. It was unfair to take his shit out on Dean, just because Dean did not return his feelings. Dean had always been honest about it and tried to keep it from affecting their relationship. Cas needed to do the same, but first he had to find the stubborn bastard.

Without conscious thought, Cas found himself driving down a somewhat familiar street. One he had been on only a couple times in the past few months. He laughed, wondering why his mind would lead him here. It was an unlikely spot to find his friend. As he rounded the final corner, he laughed even harder because there before him was the Impala, gleaming in the sunlight. The car was immaculate, and it was obvious what Dean had been up to in the hours he was gone. That fact did not surprise him. What amazed him was his location. He spotted her first, sitting in what she termed her spot. _The one to watch the world go by_, she told Cas the first time he came with Dean to visit. As she brought a glass to her lips, she spotted him. She nodded once and tipped her head to the right. His gaze shifted in that direction. Dean was seated on the top step of the porch, just barely in his line of sight. Something must have caught his attention, whether it was her reaction or the sound of his car mattered little. What mattered was the hard eyes settling first on the car and then on Cas’s face. In a flash, worry filled his bright green eyes. Before Cas even pulled to the curb to park, Dean was across the street and reaching for his door. He pounded on the window as soon as the car came to a stop. Cas almost didn’t open the door, but he had already played the coward the previous morning he didn’t want a repeat performance. He opened the door, and Dean lit into him.

“What the hell were you thinking? You aren’t supposed to be driving. You have a fucking massive concussion.”

Cas stepped out of the car and right into Dean’s space. “My best friend left me, and I needed to find him and bring him home. That’s what I was thinking.”

“Cas,” Dean said quietly, voice slightly broken. “I didn’t leave you.”

Scoffing, Cas said, “Then explain why you packed a bag and left without a word. No matter how often we fight that is something we just don’t do. We scream and yell and throw shit, but we don’t fucking leave.” Tears clung to his lashes, and he clung to the slimmest hope they would not fall. 

But fall they did, and to his utter heartbreak Dean gently wiped them away. His touch as always electrified him, but this time it also brought to the surface every ounce of love he had for the man in front of him. Without thinking, he reached for Dean’s hand, holding it in place on his cheek. He heard the sharp intake of Dean’s breath and saw a flicker of an unknown emotion in his friend’s eyes. It was gone along with Dean’s touch in a fraction of a second. It, however, did not leave Cas’s mind. The image would be one he clung to for years. He knew it, standing in the street in front of Mildred’s house, his friend a hair’s breadth away. He knew the image would both haunt him and give him hope. It was a vicious combination. He added it to all the other unexplainable moments between them. The ones which seemed to open his heart further, solidifying his love for Dean, while keeping him trapped and in many ways alone.

When Cas next focused on Dean, he was standing further back and staring strangely. Almost, but not quite, looking at Cas’s eyes. “I didn’t want to say anything I would regret. You are already hurt and fighting wouldn’t help your head.” He abruptly turned to face the house. “How did you find me? No one knew I was here.”

“I don’t really know.”

“Well, that’s comforting. You can’t be driving, Cas.”

“I know.” Dean turned back to face him. “I’m sorry,” Cas said sincerely.

Before Dean could respond, Mildred yelled, “Get out of the street and come have a drink with an old lady.”

“You’re hardly old,” said Dean. Cas followed him to the house and up the porch steps. Mildred patted the arm of the chair beside her. “Sit, Castiel. Dean, get your boy a drink.”

“He’s not my boy.”

Mildred chuckled, “Hmm…we’ll see.” Dean walked off shaking his head, muttering about old ladies and their active imaginations. After he was gone, Mildred gave Cas a pointed look. “Or maybe he is _your_ boy.” She winked as she said your.

Cas smiled at her brazenness. “Dean warned me about your dirty mind. It seems he was not exaggerating.”

“Ha…” she huffed, “That was tame for me.”

“And not out of the realm for me,” said Cas with a wink of his own.

“Oh, you are perfect for that young man. He needs someone like you to show him what he desires.”

With those words, any humor in their banter faded, and Cas was left reeling. “Don’t, please,” he whispered.

He felt the touch of her hand on his clenched fist. “Castiel, you need not be afraid of my words. I know of what I speak.”

His gaze shifted from his feet to her kind eyes. “I know you mean well, but you are wrong in this. I have heard it in his own words.”

“Yes, I suppose you have. But those were said by a teenager, not the man he has become. Do not let the past keep you from seeing your present and your future.”

Cas heard the door creak and turned to see Dean staring at them. The strange look was back, accompanied this time by a small tremor in the hand holding the glass of iced tea. Dread filled Cas as he wondered how much Dean had heard. He knew he would not find out because Dean pasted on his most charming smile. The one he used to pick up women, but also the one he used to hide his feelings. The smile was directed at Mildred, and she returned it as all people did when caught in Dean’s attention.

Dean handed Cas his glass without a glance and then sat down on the porch steps. “So, Cas, you didn’t really explain how you found me.”

“I told you I don’t know. I called everyone and when they didn’t know anything I drove around. Next thing I knew I was driving down this street.”

“I am glad you did. Getting to spend time with two handsome men, it is my lucky day.”

“Do you ever stop flirting?”

“Now Dean, you would miss it if I did.”

Throwing his back, Dean laughed heartily. “You know me well.”

“Not as well as this young man, it seems.”

The laughter faded, and Dean’s tone grew serious. “He knows me better than anyone.”

There was so much unsaid in those words, but Cas heard it anyway. “I’m sorry Dean. I should never have compared you to Daniel.”

“No, you shouldn’t.”

Mildred stood up and stepped toward the door. “Listen to each other. I’ll be inside with dinner when you’re done.”

They sat silently until Dean said, “Why did you?”

Cas took a deep breath, the pain in his hand picking that moment to flare to life again. He pinched his wrist focusing his attention elsewhere as he answered, “I was frustrated. Which is a terrible reason, but it is the truth. I hate being dependent on anyone, you know that better than anyone.”

“Yeah, I do, but I thought you weren’t going to push me away anymore. I can’t handle seeing you hurt if I can’t be there to help you.” Dean stood up and sat down in Mildred’s vacated spot. He reached out and took Castiel’s hand. “You have to let me help you, Cas.”

“Of course, Dean. I never meant to drive you away. Actually, it never occurred to me it was even a possibility.”

Dean squeezed Cas’s hand and gave him a crooked smile. “It’s not really. I would have come home. I was already thinking about it when you showed up.”

Much of the tension in Cas’s muscles leeched out, and he sighed, “Good.”

Standing up, Dean pulled Cas to his feet. “Now that we settled that, I’m starving and Mildred made her famous lasagna.”


	4. Chapter 4

Dean wished he would have savored his time at Mildred’s home. He wished he would have listened more intently to her stories and her advice, but he assumed they would have plenty more visits. It was the plan they left with that day. Cas assured Mildred he would not be a stranger, and Dean told her would make sure he kept his promise. But it was not to be. Mildred’s health deteriorated rapidly. One day she was the feisty flirt visiting him at the garage, harassing him and making him blush. The next she was too weak to leave home. Dean, busy with work and school, did not notice the first week she failed to stop in to visit. It was nearing the end of the second week when it hit him. He had not seen her in eleven days. He rushed to the office to speak with Bobby, forgetting the old man was at school teaching. Grabbing the office phone, he called the one person who wouldn’t tell him to calm down or not overreact. Seconds later, Cas’s deep gravelly voice said, “What’s wrong Dean?”

“Why do you know something’s wrong?”

“Because it’s not your lunch break, and you’re calling from the shop phone. So, what is it?”

Dean took a deep breath. “I haven’t seen Mildred since the day after we were at her house. I don’t know how I missed it until now. I was working on a car, same make and model as hers, and it got me thinking about her. Cas, I’ve seen her at least twice a week for the last, what, eight months.” He couldn’t stop the crack of emotion in his voice as he finished. “I’m worried.”

“I’m getting in the car. I’ll meet you there.”

“Just like that.”

“Dean, it’s why you called me, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” he said sheepishly.

“So, I’ll see you there.” Cas hung up before Dean responded.

Rushing out of the office, Dean grabbed his keys and jumped in the Impala, ignoring the grease his hands left on the car. It took him fifteen long minutes to reach her house. Cas’s car was already in the driveway. He leapt out of the car, not bothering to even shut the door, before making his way toward the house. Cas was coming down the stairs aggressively with a look of utter devastation on his face. He grabbed Dean, halting his progress with a firm grip on his bicep and his face. “Cas, let me by.”

Cas shook his head.

“Please, Cas.”

Cas kept Dean from looking at the house, holding his head firm. “Dean, I found her on the porch. She was already gone. I’m so sorry.”

A sob tore out of his throat as he tried to say, “No.” Cas pulled him into his arms, tucking Dean’s head into the crook of his neck. In the shelter of his friend’s arms, he let the tears come. He didn’t try to hide his sadness at the loss of the vibrant woman who had brought so much laughter into his life. Cas stroked his back and ran his hand through Dean’s hair, soothing him with his gentle touch. The whispered words of apology and love were what finally helped ease the tears. “What do we do now?”

“I already called it in. For now, I guess we join her in her spot to watch the world go by.”

Those words brought more tears, but this time Dean stood tall. He grabbed Cas’s hand and let his friend lead him to the house. Seeing her sitting in her chair, dressed to the nines as usual, made Dean feel a touch better. She would never have wanted to be found in anything less than her best. Hair done, face made up, she looked alive at first glance. Dean’s expression must have shown his thoughts because Cas was quick to say, “She has not been gone long. She was still warm when I got here.”

A lump formed in Dean’s throat, he pushed his words past it, “She was all alone.”

“But she died in her favorite place, with her favorite drink and a book at her side.”

Dean looked at Cas and gave him a weak smile. He walked over and sat down in the chair next to her, taking her hand. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t here. So sorry I didn’t…I should have noticed sooner.” He shook off his negative thoughts, knowing she would not approve. Instead, he started talking. He knew Cas had heard most of these stories before, but he needed to tell them again. To remember her laugh and her wicked sense of humor. At some point, Cas had sat down on the porch, leaning against the railing. It was how they remained until the ambulance arrived. Following closely behind was hospice. He introduced himself, and the woman gave Dean a beaming smile.

“I am so glad to finally meet you. Millie talked about little else.”

“I…um…” Dean said unable to formulate a response.

The woman shook her head. “I assume the same is not true for me. I tried to get her to tell you, but she said you would know soon enough.”

Cas stepped up beside him, leaning against Dean in a gesture of comfort. “What would we know?”

“She was diagnosed with cancer over a year ago and never sought treatment. She tried to refuse hospice, but her other option was a facility, and she would never agree to that. She told me from day one she would die in her home as her husband had done.”

Dean stumbled a bit as the woman spoke, leaning more heavily on Cas. “I wish I would have known.”

“Dean,” Cas said quietly, “It wouldn’t have changed anything.”

“But maybe I could have convinced her to get treatment,” he practically pleaded.

An arm slipped around his back. He turned to look at Cas, but it was the woman who spoke. “She did not want it. Her cancer was terminal, and she just wanted to live out her last days as she chose. No doctors, no hospitals, no tests. She was a free spirit.”

The smile came unbidden to Dean’s lips. There was no more apt way to describe Mildred. He nodded as the arm around him tightened. The woman, who Cas addressed as Julie, explained Mildred had left explicit instructions. _Dean and his boy are not to know until I am gone. But then you must tell them the whole story and give Dean, my special child, the key to the desk drawer. He will find everything he needs inside._ “Every day she made me repeat those words and promise I would follow through.” She reached in her pocket, pulling out a set of keys, handing them to Dean. “These are the keys to her car, the house, and the desk, so you don’t have to do anything today.”

“Thank you, Julie,” Cas said when Dean remained frozen.

He only snapped out of it when he heard the paramedics loading the gurney into the ambulance. “What happens now?” Dean asked.

“She already selected the funeral home and planned her service, so they will contact you.”

“What?” Dean’s voice cracked on the single word.

Julie reached out and touched Dean’s hand. “She gave your name to the funeral director.” 

Four days later, Dean was standing in Mildred’s den staring at her desk. Cas was sitting across the room waiting patiently for Dean to open the drawer. They had been here on two other occasions, and he had yet to try the key. He always found some reason to delay. _She has only been gone a day. I need to focus on her funeral. We just released her ashes._ But now there were no more excuses. Her husband’s long-time friend and sometimes lawyer had pulled Dean aside at the funeral. He told Dean her will was most likely among whatever papers she left for Dean, and it was needed so her estate would not go into probate. So here he stood with shaking hands, waves of sadness and bouts of anger washing over him, trying to quell his nerves and open the damn drawer. After several minutes, he felt the warmth of a body step behind him. Arms snaked around his waist and slid over his shaking hands. Cas held them still and whispered, “This is what she wanted. Give her this.”

Dean nodded and took the last step forward, pulling Cas along with him. He didn’t really register putting in the key or pulling out the drawer. The next thing he knew he was seated on the floor, papers clutched in his hands, wrapped in Castiel’s arms. “Why would she? I…Cas I can’t…it’s too much.” His friend did not argue with him or appease him, he simply held Dean as the litany continued.

When exhaustion won out, and Dean slumped back into Cas’s embrace, Cas said, “She did it because she loved you. There doesn’t need to be any other reason.”

“I didn’t even know she owned the building or that it was her husband’s garage before Bobby bought the business. And the house…” Dean turned his head to look at his friend. “How could she leave me her house? There has to be someone else. Someone who knew her longer.”

Cas stared at Dean for several heartbeats before he said, “I understand her decision completely. I would choose the same.”

“But we’ve been best friends for years.”

“You misunderstand me. Dean, I would have given you everything from the very start.”

Dean saw the flicker of sadness and doubt in Cas’s eyes. He saw the moment his friend wished he would not have revealed so much with his statement. A shadow slipped over Cas’s blue eyes, but he didn’t look away. Dean held his gaze as he said, “I’ve never understood why you chose me Cas. Why you even bothered to listen to me the first time we met?”

“You were the one who sat down by me.”

“Yeah, but you were the one who chose to stick around, even after I complained during our entire lunch.”

Cas shrugged before sitting back and releasing Dean. He shifted back and then stood up. As he did, he pulled Dean up with him. He remained silent, and his eyes never quite met Dean’s. It was not a common occurrence for Castiel, and it set Dean’s nerves on edge. The urge to pull Cas into his arms and bury his face in his neck swept over Dean’s body, and he barely suppressed the shiver it elicited. He needed out of this situation, out of this proximity and really, he needed out of this house. It was all still too raw to be dealing with other emotional minefields. Taking the necessary steps, he headed out the door, hands still clutching the papers. “I suppose we need to go see the lawyer now.”

There was no sound of movement behind him, and he turned to see an empty hallway. He called out instead of heading back into the room. “I’ll meet you on the porch.” He walked briskly through the house and out the front door. He thought better of his statement and continued down the stairs, not willing to see the spot where his friend had died. He waited impatiently for Cas to emerge from the house. Bouncing and pacing along the walkway. Finally, Cas stepped out of the house, his eyes locked on Dean. He couldn’t decide if it was better or worse than his lack of eye contact in the den. He settled on worse as those blue eyes bored into his with a fierce intensity. It made his breath catch in his throat and forced him to be the one to turn away. Dean took off for the car, rounding the front, but stopped when he heard Cas. “You need to lock the door.” He raced back to the house and locked the door. By the time he turned around, Cas was leaning on the passenger door.

“Do you remember where the guy’s office is?” asked Dean once they were seated in the car.

“Yes, it’s only about two miles from here.”

They pulled up in front of a small blue bungalow with the lawyer’s placard prominently displayed. Dean walked slowly, but delaying the inevitable was pointless, so he caught up to Cas who was already at the top of the stairs. The lawyer greeted them as they stepped into the office. “I see you found the papers. Have you read them?”

“More like glanced through them.”

“Well, I would be happy to walk you through them. I was not the one to draw up the papers, and she did not inform me of who did. She did, however, verbally explain her wishes. But I think for propriety's sake we should read through them together.” Dean handed over the papers and followed the lawyer into a small room with four high-backed chairs. After sitting, Dean took in his surroundings. The room was a bit garish, covered in floral prints and multitudes of colors. It did not suit the buttoned-up lawyer seated across from him. Mr. Jameson, as he reminded Dean for third or fourth time, was a short man with perfectly coiffed gray hair. He thought of Mildred and wondered how this man fit in her life. His thoughts were interrupted as the lawyer began to explain her will.

It was pretty straightforward. Her liquid assets were to be given to charity. The remainder would go to Dean. There was the building housing the garage. The adjacent building which was currently empty. And of course, there was her home and her car, none of which possessed a lien. The only thing Dean would need to do is pay the taxes. He got lost in some of the legal talk about the process, and his mind began to wander. Trying to figure out how at twenty-two years of age she felt he was mature enough to handle this responsibility. He tuned back into the conversation when Cas asked, “Did she say anything to you about her wishes for the house?”

“Yes, um…she had no illusions a young man such as yourself would want an old lady’s house. She assumed you would sell it. She even provided me with the name of her realtor.”

Dean sat up straight. “Sell it,” he said, voice wavering. “Are you sure? She loved that house.”

“True, she loved it, but she was insistent. It is not suitable for someone with hopes of a spouse and children.”

Those words made Dean sit forward in his chair, a protest on his lips, but before he could articulate it, Cas said, “Dean, think about it. The house only has one bedroom. You already struggle making it between work and school. If you lived in her home, it would practically double your driving time.”

Dean knew Cas was right. It wasn’t a convenient location, and it wasn’t made for a young guy with a roommate. And if he thought about it, he would not want to live in her home. It would feel like living with a ghost. Decision made he said, “Yeah, I guess I’m going to need the name of the realtor.”

The next months passed in a blur. Between school, selling the house, and figuring out what he wanted to do with the vacant property, Dean rarely saw anyone except Bobby and Rhonda. They discussed the garage ad nauseum. Bobby insisting Dean should take part ownership with the funds he received from the house. Rhonda insisting he should invest in a new venture. She walked him through the adjacent property, on more than one occasion, offering several options for the space. She promised him her assistance if he opened a new business. “It is, after all, what I am going to college for,” she said on one visit. There was a part of Dean which felt it was too much. He was still in school and practically working full-time already. How would he manage a business of his own? The bigger part of him, however, wanted to honor Mildred. He wanted the money from her home to go for something more than taxes and bills. Plans were drawn up and inspections were performed, and before he knew it Dean was in the process of opening a café.

Arriving home early for the first time in two months, and only because Bobby demanded he leave, Dean walked into his apartment, feeling like a stranger. Rarely home before dark, it was strange to see the fading light filtering in the windows, casting shadows in the room. He stepped into the apartment, expecting to find Cas. As he walked through the open living space, he heard sounds coming from the hallway. He almost called out but decided he should surprise Cas. Later he would regret that decision, but at the moment it seemed like a great plan. Approaching Cas’s bedroom door, he saw it was shut which was rare, especially so early in the evening. The reason became evident rather quickly.

“On your knees,” Cas’s voice was deep and commanding. Dean took a step back, reeling from the tone. The sound of someone hitting the floor was distinctive in the quiet of the hall. “Good,” said Cas, voice soothing, yet still powerful. Dean was drawn to that voice, and suddenly he was almost leaning on the door. The sound of moaning and whimpering made him bite his lip in an effort to remain quiet. “You want it,” said Cas, more statement than question.

“Yes,” came the breathy reply from the room.

The sound which followed had Dean pressing his hand against his growing erection. With Cas’s next words, Dean fled into his bedroom. His pants were undone before he realized it, and he jacked himself fast and hard, coming in a ridiculously short amount of time. He enjoyed the feeling for a moment before realization came crashing down. He just got off to the sound of Cas’s voice and the thought of being the one on his knees.

“Fuck,” he moaned as he slumped to the floor. Burying his head in his hands, he tried to calm himself down. He took measured breaths and tugged on his hair. After several minutes, his breathing regulated. It didn’t help the panic in his mind. It was unfathomable with all the sex he’d had in his life to get hard from the sound of someone’s voice. Let alone Cas’s voice of all people. He couldn’t wrap his head around it until he thought about the last few months. He was so busy he hadn’t picked up anybody. Come to think of it, it was probably the longest dry spell since he lost his virginity. He didn’t even have time for porn because by the time he got home he was exhausted from the twelve to fourteen hour days. He felt slightly better knowing he was most likely just horny. He steadfastly chose to ignore the little voice that kept repeating, _it was Cas_, _Cas made you horny_. Instead, he convinced himself he just needed a one-night stand and the issue would be fixed.

Pushing himself off the floor, he made his way over to his dresser. He wiped his hand off on his jeans before removing them. As he slipped into a pair of clean boxers and pajama pants, his mind flicked back to Cas. “Who the hell is with him?” he muttered. _It can’t be that guy, _he thought,_ what was his name? Jesse._ “No, that’s not it,” he said out loud. His mind supplied him with several other names, and then he remembered. “Jamie.” Nothing made sense. Cas had only been seeing the guy for a couple weeks. He never rushed into anything sexual. “So why is he in there doing that?” he asked the empty room. Shaking his head at himself, he flopped face-first onto the bed. “Just keep talking to yourself. That’s making this whole fucked up situation better.” Burying his face in his pillow, he chuckled darkly.

Fleeting images and snippets of conversation tugged at the corners of his mind. When he concentrated on them, a story began to emerge. He was so focused on himself, somehow, he missed it. He missed that his best friend had a boyfriend. A boyfriend who it appeared had been around for at the very least a month. Someone Dean didn’t know in the slightest. Someone Cas had been with long enough and trusted enough to fuck around with, in that way. His traitorous mind supplied Cas’s words. _Open your mouth. Suck. _And his traitorous dick decided to twitch, valiantly trying to harden at the thought of it. “Fuck,” he groaned as he tried to will his burgeoning erection away. “This can’t be happening.”

He clenched his fists and pulled his mind in a new direction. Anger. Anger at himself for being so absent. Anger at Cas. Anger at the guy for being the one who gets…_nope, not going there_, he thought. Anger at being trapped in his room. “Fuck that,” he said as he shoved himself off the bed. “It’s my fucking apartment.” He stomped to the door and pulled it open forcefully. He didn’t let himself think about the reason, or reasons, he was being as loud as possible. That line of thought was fraught with its own pitfalls.

Once in the kitchen, he set to work making himself a sandwich. He added some chips to his plate and grabbed a beer from the fridge before making his way to the couch. He turned on the TV and increased the volume before searching for a show. Nothing seemed to interest him, and he was still flipping through his choices when Cas and the guy emerged from the bedroom. His jaw clenched at the sound of their steps and their hushed voices. He wanted to crawl into the nearest dark corner and hide, but he had come out of his room for the express purpose of not hiding so that was not an option. Even though he wasn’t going to hide, it didn’t mean he had to acknowledge them. He opted to quickly pick a movie after which he leaned forward and concentrated on his sandwich. He vaguely heard, “Hey, Dean,” which he resolutely ignored. Seconds later, he heard Cas say, “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

Through it all Dean faced the TV, eating his sandwich, which he did not taste in the slightest. He may as well have been eating cardboard. He paused in his chewing when he heard Cas approach. He felt his friend’s presence behind him, and his shoulders instinctively tensed. “You couldn’t even bring yourself to say hello.”

“Huh?” he feigned ignorance, which went over like a ton of bricks.

“Dean, I have been trying to be understanding, but I’m done. If you can’t deign yourself to be respectful to my guests, I don’t think I want to live with you anymore.”

The color drained from Dean’s face, and he choked as he tried to swallow quickly. Unable to speak, he whipped around and grabbed Cas’s arm. It took several attempts to clear his throat, but when he finally did, he said, “I’m sorry. I just…I wasn’t expecting to find…” he gulped. Dean shook his head unable to finish the sentence.

“Why do you look so uncomfortable?”

Dean fought the blush rising to his cheeks and decided to lie. “I had a bad day and didn’t want to be around people anymore. I didn’t know you were home.”

“You didn’t know I was home? My car is parked in its spot.”

“Yeah, well, I told you I had a bad day. Please don’t be mad at me. I’ll apologize to what’s his name.”

Cas frowned down at Dean, yanking his arm free. “His name is Jamie. And if you bothered to pay attention to anything other than yourself the past two months, you’d know that.”

“Two months,” muttered Dean. “I didn’t know.”

“No shit, Dean. You’ve been completely self-absorbed. Every time I try to talk to you about Jamie you tune me out. And every time I’ve tried to introduce you, there is some excuse for why it doesn’t happen.”

Standing up, Dean circled the couch until he was facing Cas. He took his friend’s hands in his and sighed. “I’m sorry. I’ll do better. I promise.” Cas’s face softened, and he even smiled when Dean added, “You’ve never threatened to move out. Taking a page out of the old Winchester book. I’m proud of you, Cas.”

Cas tugged one of his hands free and smacked Dean on the shoulder. It was half-hearted and accompanied by a laugh. “I’ve been around you long enough, at some point, one of your many bad habits was bound to rub off on me.”

“At least I didn’t rub something…” Dean stopped abruptly, and his mouth fell open at his own innuendo. The shock was made worse, so much worse, by the raised eyebrow and smirk on Cas’s face. It was so fucking sexy_. Shit, fuck. What the hell? Did I just think of Cas as sexy? What is wrong with me? Obviously, a lack of sleep and sex,_ Dean thought answering his internal question. _Brush it off. Pull yourself together and stop gaping at him._ “Shut it.” _There, that was good. No, it wasn’t, jackass. _

Before Dean could continue his internal dialogue, Cas said, “I didn’t say anything. You’re the one who is talking about rubbing…”

“Stop,” yelled Dean. His face was hot, and his heart was pounding. Cas quirked his lips and shrugged his shoulders, effectively giving Dean the out. Actions like that were the reason Cas would always be Dean’s best friend.

Cas grabbed the remote and put on a show.

“Zombies? Awesome,” said Dean with a grin. Cas gave him a quick nod and leaned back. Dean tucked himself up against his friend’s side and sighed.

Another week passed before Dean formally met Jamie. Their interactions were stiff and filled with fake pleasantries and even phonier smiles. It was clear to anyone who saw them together how much the two men disliked each other. The tension was palpable, and Dean could see the effect it was having on his friend. His solution was to be more supportive of Cas. Sam called it clingy, but what did he know - he was still a teenager.

He cut back on his hours and spent more time at home. He hugged and touched Cas more often. Something he knew Cas craved but would never ask for. The tiny smiles he got in return convinced him he was right. The side-eyed looks he got from Cas’s boyfriend were another story. Even though his actions seemed to soothe Cas, they only proved to ratchet up the tension between Dean and Jamie. Almost a month to the day after Cas’s threat to move out, the situation exploded, or in other words, Jamie exploded.

He snapped at Dean to get his hands off his boyfriend. Cas stared at him wide-eyed while Dean squeezed Cas’s shoulder tighter and grinned cheekily, which only seemed to enflame Jamie more. The blond-haired, brown-eyed, lanky man stomped over to Dean and wrenched his hand off Cas. The situation escalated from there when Dean could not contain his laughter, and Cas could not contain his ire. The firefighter issued orders and barely gave them a chance to comply. Before Dean knew it, he was seated next to Jamie on the couch. Both of them sufficiently cowed by the infuriated man standing in front of them. Dean thought matters had calmed, but the idiot seated to his right had to open his mouth and make a comment about Dean bending over for Cas.

In the moment, watching the hurt flicker in Cas’s eyes, all Dean could feel was sadness for his friend. It wasn’t until later that night he let his other feelings free. Relief, a touch of joy, and of course, guilt, for Cas had ended his relationship with Jamie on the spot. Dean didn’t know if it was a long-time coming, or if it was the pain Jamie’s statement inflicted. Dean knew he had failed to cover his own emotions when Cas had glanced at him during Jamie’s comment, just as Cas had failed in hiding his. The love and the pain associated with it were on display. Dean didn’t know if Jamie understood the wound he had torn asunder, what he did know was the man was gone and Dean was glad. Guilty, but glad.

As he tossed and turned, trying desperately to let sleep take him, he began to wonder if he should talk to someone. Confusion filled so many of his waking hours. Holding and touching Cas wasn’t new, but the overwhelming need to do so was. The thought plagued his efforts to sleep, but it wasn’t alone. He had always been protective of Cas, but the aching need to keep him safe was growing, as was the strange sense of jealousy he felt toward the men Cas dated. None of it fit together. It was a puzzle with missing and mismatched pieces. The more he dwelled on it the more disorientated he became. As he stared at his ceiling for what felt like the thousandth time that night, he made a decision. He had to confide in someone, and there was no one better than Rhonda. 

Dean wasn’t so sure about his assessment of Rhonda after she smacked him upside the head and stated, “You love him.”

“What?” sputtered Dean.

“You love him. And don’t try to deny it. I’ve known it for years. How are you just figuring it out?”

Dean shook his head and stared at his friend. Her fierce brown eyes dared him to argue, but Dean hedged, “He’s my best friend. Of course, I love him.”

“That is not what we are talking about and you know it. Cas loves you and you love Cas.”

“How do you know Cas loves me?”

Her eyes went wide as she flopped back on her chair. “Are you kidding me? Everyone knows Cas loves you. It isn’t a secret. He never tried to hide it. Why do you think his attempts at finding someone have failed so spectacularly?”

Feeling a bit trapped by the turn in the conversation, Dean stood up and walked to the opposite side of the room. His eyes strayed to the baby seat and the downy head of brown hair. “He’s beautiful,” he whispered. He hadn’t heard Rhonda move, so he jumped when he felt her hand on his arm.

“When he’s sleeping,” she huffed.

Dean continued to look at the sleeping child. “Is it that bad?”

“Not really. Beth was such an easy baby, I think we fooled ourselves into thinking he would be too.”

When Dean finally lifted his head, he realized how heavy it felt. How heavy his whole body felt. He wanted so much to keep talking about the kids and avoid why he was here, but he knew he couldn’t. So, he looked up and held his friend’s gaze. “How did you know?” The question was vague, but her knowing look told him he didn’t need to clarify.

“I didn’t know. Not at first. It took life to make me see it. Having a baby with someone changes your perspective. Benny was never who I thought I would end up with. I never really thought I’d end up married. You know that better than anyone. But just because I didn’t see this for myself doesn’t mean it isn’t right for me. Just because I was pregnant didn’t mean we had to get married, but when he was down on his knee in front of me, I knew. For all my wildness, I needed a touchstone and Benny was it. He had been for a long time.”

Her words made his chest ache. He had a touchstone. He knew that, but it wasn’t the same as what she found in Benny. He closed his eyes and shook his head.

“Dean, don’t do this to yourself.”

“What am I doing exactly?”

“Torturing yourself. Not letting yourself have what you want. Not even admitting it to yourself.”

Dean went to yell but remembered the sleeping baby. He flung his arms in the air and walked out of the room. Rhonda followed closely, and once they were in the kitchen, he let it out. “Don’t you get it,” he yelled, “I don’t know what I want.”

“Yes, you do.”

His internal frustration was so intense, tears welled in his eyes. “No, I don’t,” he whimpered.

Rhonda took his arm and directed him to a chair. “Do you remember the night I had you try on the panties?” Dean kept his head down but nodded. “You were complaining and acting all affronted by the situation, but that wasn’t how you were really feeling. You tried to hide it from me, and I suspect from yourself. But you liked wearing them. You liked how you looked and how they felt. Do you see the similarities?”

“It wasn’t that big a deal. I even told Cas about it.”

“I know, and the reason you told him says a lot about your feelings for him.”

His head snapped up, shocked by her statement. “He talked to you about it. Why?”

“Dean, do you think it’s easy for him? Loving you for all these years, being your roommate, watching you with women. He needed someone to share it all with. I need you to know I would never have told him about the panties, but he brought it up.”

“Hey, I don’t ever flaunt women in front of him. Not since that day with Lisa.”

It was Rhonda’s turn to shake her head, “Dean, you may not shove it in his face, but you aren’t exactly quiet. And he has to sit and watch you flirt and pick up those women before you leave with them.”

“But, I…he doesn’t…” Dean leaned back and lifted his head to look directly at Rhonda. “Fuck.”

“Yep, the only way he could avoid seeing it is to not spend time with you. I tried to convince him on more than one occasion to put some distance between you, but that isn’t an option for him. Besides Missouri, the only family he has is Mary, Sam, and you. If he let you go, he would lose all three of you. So where does that leave him?"

“Fuck, fuck, fuck. I am an asshole.”

“You’re just figuring that out now,” Rhonda said smugly.

“Very funny.” After a pause, Dean added, “I don’t know what to do anymore. I wish I could support him, but I hate all the guys he’s dated. This last one was a douchebag.”

“No, he wasn’t. You just don’t want Cas with anyone else.” Rhonda sat forward and took his hand. “You can’t keep him, if you aren’t going to admit your feelings for him and give him a life with you.”

“Jesus, why do all the women in my life think they have the answer. First, Missouri. Then, Mildred. Just the other day Mom started in on it. And now you.”

Rhonda laughed as she squeezed his hand. “Maybe you should start listening to the collective wisdom of all these wonderful women. We aren’t trying to hurt you or pressure you. We just want to see the both of you happy.”

“But I’m not g…” Yeah, he knew he wasn’t going to get to finish the statement so he wasn’t even sure why he bothered to try.

Rhonda cut him off with a smack and a commanding, “Don’t you fucking say it.” She lowered her voice, mindful of the baby, “I will not let you lie about this in front of me. We have had too many conversations alluding to your not so rigid sexuality for you to deny it in front of me. So, if that is your only excuse for not being with Cas, then fuck you. You truly are an asshole.”

With that, she stormed out of the room. He watched her walk to the front door and open it. By the hard expression on her face and the sadness in her eyes, he knew if he walked out the door, he would lose her friendship. He sat perfectly still, maintaining eye contact the entire time. The standoff lasted longer than Dean expected. _She must really be pissed_, he thought as he waited for her to crack even a little. Several minutes passed before she shut the door. Several more transpired before she took a tentative step. That was enough for Dean, so he stood and joined her in the living room. “It isn’t the real reason. I’ve let him down too many times.” He held his hand up to forestall her argument. “Besides, I’m too much like my dad. I drink too much. I yell and make threats. I don’t have the first clue how to be in a relationship. He deserves better.”

“I should have guessed it would be this self-deprecating bullshit. Cas thinks you’re good enough. He loves you as you are. That should be enough for you.”

“Well it isn’t,” he snapped. “You don’t understand. When my dad came back, Cas had only been living with Missouri for a couple months. He was still so shattered, and I abandoned him. I couldn’t see beyond the situation at home. I didn’t see how depressed he was or how alone he still felt.”

“Dammit, Dean. That wasn’t all on you. Everyone missed it. And we were just kids.”

Dean scoffed, “You had just met him, Rhonda. You couldn’t have known, but I was his best friend. I was supposed to keep him safe.” Dean dropped his head into his hands and sighed, “He wanted to die. He wrote a fucking paper about the merits of suicide.”

“But he never planned to do it. I know you know that. He explained why he wrote it all down. Why he needed to let it out in such a way, and why the last half of the paper was about why it was the wrong choice no matter what you are going through. You can’t rewrite history just so you can wallow in guilt. I know your dad coming home for those few months fucked you up. I may not know the whole story but I know that and so does Cas. You had your own shit to deal with, and that’s okay. You didn’t abandon him.”

Dean was saved from continuing the conversation because baby Alex woke up. “I’ll get him,” he said as he quickly jumped up from the couch. Looking down at the red face, he thought of the moment Benny and Rhonda had asked him and Cas to be their kids’ guardians if something happened to them. It was overwhelming, and a bit morbid in Dean’s mind, but they accepted. He loved the kids, so there was no hesitation when he signed the paper and then watched Cas do the same. He smiled at the memory and then at the still crying baby. Once he had Alex in his arms, he tucked him up tight against his chest and rocked him gently.

“How do you do that?” Rhonda asks with frustration and a touch of awe in her voice.

Eyes focused on the baby, Dean asked, dazedly, “What?”

“It pisses me off how you can do that every damn time.” Rhonda’s shoulders drooped. “I feel like a failure when you’re around. All he does is cry, no matter what we try.”

Dean fixed his gaze on Rhonda. “You are not a failure. He just doesn’t know me as well so I’m like a novelty to be studied.”

Rhonda rolled her eyes. “Yeah, I’ll buy that,” she said, her words laced with sarcasm.

A sudden thought hit Dean as he chuckled at Rhonda’s exasperation. “Where’s Beth?”

“She’s with your mother and Missouri. Something about giving me a rest.”

“Oh, crap,” Dean said, “I’ll never hear the end of it if they find out I interrupted your break.”

“Not like I was getting much rest with ‘lungs’ screaming all day.”

“I can watch him if you want to try and take a nap. I’ll call Cas, and we can take him to the park.”

Rhonda closed her eyes and sighed. “Dean,” she said heavily.

“What do you want me to do? He’s my best friend. He is the first person I think of when it comes to just about anything.”

Dean could see she wanted to protest or offer advice, but there was little she hadn’t already said so she remained silent on the subject. She packed a bag and got the stroller out for him. She even held Alex while he called Cas. The reproachful look didn’t leave her face until she kissed Alex on the forehead to say goodbye. By the time Dean made his way out to the park in the center of the townhome community, Cas was already there. He bounded up with a huge grin on his face. Cas was never one to easily show such emotion, but for Benny and Rhonda’s kids it was always front and center. He loved being Uncle Cas, and Beth, not yet two years old, had him wrapped around her finger. Dean assumed it would be no different with Alex. Barely stopping to say hello to Dean, Cas plucked Alex out of the stroller and proceeded to walk him around, describing everything they saw in detail. Dean, who’d seen similar performances before, was still enamored by the sight. Cas’s deep voice and sparkling eyes were enough to keep his attention, but the story he wove with his words was even more captivating.

Worried these thoughts would be reflected on his face, Dean stayed a bit behind them, using the stroller as a buffer. It was in many ways unnecessary because Cas’s attention was solely on the baby. The ability to make a person feel as if they were the center of the universe was a quality Cas possessed in spades. And Dean was often the beneficiary of it. No wonder he couldn’t even fathom letting him go. No one could make Dean feel significant the way Cas could. Dean stopped walking as his mind drifted_. He saw them sitting on a park bench holding hands. Cas was radiant as they watched their children play, and Dean could do nothing but stare at his husband._ Dean wrenched his mind away from the image, and his stomach heaved. He stumbled, almost toppling the stroller. The frantic movement caught Cas’s attention and he turned to check on Dean. Schooling his expression, Dean said, “I’m fine. Just hit a rock or something.”

Cas didn’t seem convinced, but when Dean started walking again, Cas did as well. They ended up side by side, and Cas continued his story. Baby Alex asleep in his arms. It was an image Dean was incapable of letting go.


	5. Chapter 5

The Tantrum, as Dean took to calling the fiasco with Jamie, ended Cas’s desire to date. He concentrated on work and being the best uncle and brother, he could be. He spent as much time with Alex, Beth, and Sam as his schedule would allow. Dean often accompanied him, and they fell into a new pattern. It was comforting, but also confusing. Dean hardly went out, and he did not bring anyone home. The few times they went out, women flirted with Dean as usual, but he ignored it, content to stay with his friends. For two months, Cas basked in it. He savored their every interaction and the women’s reactions to Dean’s rebuff. He leaned into every touch Dean offered and offered his touch in return. It was beautiful and wonderful, and not meant to last.

There was a moment, Cas could easily pinpoint, which triggered the end. Their hug lingered, Dean’s face pressed more tightly into the crook of Cas’s neck, and Cas’s hand swept dangerously low on Dean’s back. The body in his arms first arched into the touch, and then stiffened. Before he could even move his hand, Dean was out of his arms and turning away, mumbling something about a meeting. Cas watched as Dean bolted. The front door slammed, and Cas was left alone. Alone to ponder and to question. To berate and to blame. He sat quietly, staring out the window, wondering when Dean would return and how they would interact. He assumed Dean would pretend nothing happened. That he would come home and pick up life as they used to know it. He wasn’t prepared to hear the sound of a woman’s laughter, and Dean’s deep voice slurring as he told her to keep it down. He certainly wasn’t prepared for them to come stumbling in the door and to see Dean pin her to the wall, fucking her mouth and rutting against her, clothes already half hanging off her body.

As he had done the day with Lisa all those years ago, Castiel fled. He grabbed his keys and walked right past them. His eyes trained on the doorway. He shut out all sounds and didn’t stop walking until he reached his car. As he stood next to the car, his body shuddered. His hands shook as he opened the car door and climbed inside. He knew he should wait until he calmed down, but he couldn’t. He sped out of the parking lot and out of his neighborhood. He hit the freeway and drove for two hours. By then, numbness had consumed him. By rote, he made the obligatory calls to Missouri, Rhonda, and his work, telling them he would be gone for a few days. The tone of his voice seemed enough to convince them he needed the time because no one asked why or where he was.

He checked into the first motel he found and dropped onto the bed fully clothed. He didn’t emerge from the bed until late the next afternoon, and then it was only to purchase a few snacks and alcohol. Cas rarely got drunk. He rarely allowed himself to be out of control. Ever since the chaos his life became in the months after his parents threw him out, Cas craved control. He needed to be in charge and avoided any situations which made him feel exposed and vulnerable. But in this dank motel room, behind a locked door and alone, he let the control slip. He drank and ranted and cried until he passed out. He woke in the early morning hours, ate a granola bar and drank some water. With his stomach slightly appeased, he pondered his choices for the day, but the numbness won out, and he simply closed his eyes.

It wasn’t until well past checkout when he left the motel the following day. He arrived home to a dark, empty apartment. He didn’t bother to turn his phone on until he was seated at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee and a bowl of cereal. There was a long string of text messages and voicemails. Most from Dean with a few smatterings of ones from Missouri, Sam, and Mary. The ones which took him by surprise were the voicemails from Bobby.

He ignored Dean’s messages in favor of the others. The earliest messages were about taking care of himself, but the later ones expressed concern for him and eventually for Dean. Bobby’s messages were right to the point. _Call him before he completely loses it. Call him now._ Mary was a bit more subtle, and Sam’s were quiet pleas. With those messages lingering, he opened the messages from Dean. He scrolled to the earliest and was disheartened. It was from the morning after Cas left. _Sorry,_ was all it said. The next several were more apologies and requests for him to come home. They continued in that vein but grew more desperate and more pleading. He pressed his home button, unwilling to read further. He sat still for several seconds before pressing the phone icon. During the first message, Dean was slurring his words, and Cas could hear the woman in the background. It was a jumble of apologies and mocking. The next ones were pleas for Cas to come home or angry rants about not running away. The last was mostly sobbing. The time-stamp was from a little over an hour ago. He wondered where Dean was, if he had left after making the call or if he called from somewhere else. He hoped Dean was somewhere safe.

He didn’t let his mind linger on Dean, instead, he went to take a shower. He took his time cleaning off the grime of the last few days. Brushing his teeth was heavenly, and he felt measurably better when he stepped out into the living room, dressed in pajama bottoms and a tank top. He sat down on the couch and looked down at the phone in his hand. He called work to let them know he would be in tomorrow and to thank those who covered his shift. He knew he should call everyone else, but he didn’t have the energy for conversation, so he sent out a group text assuring everyone he was home and fine. He did not include Dean in the group text, and he wasn’t sure why.

He sat staring at Dean’s name, trying to find the words to type, but nothing came. He shut his eyes and leaned back against the couch. The sound of pounding feet disrupted his moment of introspection. He didn’t bother to open his eyes because he knew it was Dean. He heard the door bang open and the pounding feet close in on the couch. The body collapsing in his lap was what finally made him open his eyes. He wrapped his arms around Dean’s quaking body without a second thought. He held him as he cried. The numbness began to recede, and the hurt and anger bled into its recesses. Tears filled his eyes and spilled over, dripping onto Dean’s head. Dean must have felt it because he lifted his head to look at Cas. His hand came up and gently wiped Cas’s tears away. They didn’t speak as they stared at each other. Cas looked away first which seemed to compel Dean to break the silence.

“I’m so glad you’re home. I missed you.” His voice shook as he added, “I was worried about you.”

“I’m fine, Dean. I just couldn’t be here after...”

Dean cupped his cheek as he brought his gaze back to meet Cas’s. “You shouldn’t have had to see any of that. I broke my promise.”

“Why did you?”

“Because I’m a dick.”

Cas frowned. “That’s the easy way out Dean. Why did you run?”

“What are you talking about? You’re the one who ran.”

“You ran first, and then you came home drunk and all over-”

Dean’s hand tightened on Cas’s cheek as he interrupted him. “Okay, okay. Yeah, I left, but I wasn’t planning on getting drunk or acting like an idiot.”

“You said you had a meeting,” stated Cas with a clipped tone.

“I did have one, an hour after I left. I went to the restaurant early and sat in the bar. I lost track of how much I drank over dinner, and then I ended up back at the bar after the meeting was over.”

“And the woman?” inquired Cas.

“She was the bartender. She was just going to make sure I got home safe, but well…fuck. Do you really want to hear this?” asked Dean as he buried his head back into Cas’s chest. “I’m sorry for breaking my promise. Will you please forgive me?” he mumbled as he gripped Cas’s shirt tightly.

The whole ordeal was a bit surreal, and the fact that Dean was sitting in his lap clinging to him was a bit bizarre. His weight was beginning to be too much, but Cas didn’t ask him to move. He let Dean hold onto him as he thought of what to say. He wanted to stay angry. He wanted to yell. But mostly he wanted to move forward and forget the whole situation. What right did he really have in holding Dean to a promise he made when they were teenagers? Dean was a grown man, and if he wanted to pick up women, it was his business, and Cas should learn to deal with it. In the nearly six years since Dean made the promise, he stuck to it. “There is nothing to forgive,” Cas finally said, the last thought prominent in his mind. “You have every right to bring guests home.”

“They aren’t exactly guests, Cas. And yeah, I can bring them home, and I have plenty of times, but that doesn’t mean I need to be doing it where you can see. I know it makes you uncomfortable, and you shouldn’t be uncomfortable in your own apartment and be forced to leave because of it.”

Cas’s legs were beginning to feel numb so he shifted until Dean got the message and slid off to the side. “Yes, I suppose that’s true, but I didn’t need to overreact. I should have just stayed and talked to you about it.”

“Even the stoic Castiel Novak is allowed to act out at least once in his life. I do it all the time.”

The sly grin which accompanied Dean’s words helped dissipate any lingering anger Cas felt. He returned Dean’s smile which for some odd reason made Dean blush and duck his head. His interactions with Dean had never been more confusing than in the last few months. He wanted so much to figure out why but whenever he approached the topic Dean deflected or, on many occasions, Cas stopped himself from broaching the subject. He hoped they could find a way to settle back into the rhythm of their lives without having the conversation because with each passing day it seemed more improbable.

Six months later and Cas was still wishing for a semblance of stability in their lives. They had weeks, or even a month here and there, in which they fell back into their old friendship. But there were these moments which transpired between them. A touch, a word, even a look would break the ease of their relationship. Cas was left feeling hollow, and Dean always sought out the comfort of another. He didn’t flaunt the women in front of Cas, or anyone for that matter, but he didn’t hide it.

After the tenth hook-up, Cas stopped counting. He put his head down instead of running. Sometimes he kept to his room. Other times, he filled the apartment with friends. He volunteered for extra shifts at work or volunteered at the hospital in the pediatric ward or neonatal unit. When Benny and Rhonda needed a break, he babysat Beth and Alex, who were essentially his and Dean’s niece and nephew. Of all his distractions, spending time with children was the only one to fill the void in his chest. His friends tried to talk to him about it, but he had nothing new to say. Inias and Benny tried introducing him to a string of men. All attractive and friendly, but they could not hold his interest. He would drift away from them at the first opportunity, eager to escape into the comfort of his friends. Dean witnessed many of these failed attempts. Late one night, after returning from the bar, he tried to talk to Cas.

“You’ve never been the most approachable guy, but I’ve never seen you so…” Dean trailed off. Cas hoped it was because of the hard look he gave him, and he would take the hint and drop it. He only got one of his wishes because Dean added, “I didn’t even finish what I was going to say, and you’re already looking at me like you want to smite me.”

“We are not talking about this.”

“Cas, you haven’t been with anyone. Shit you haven’t even looked at anyone since Jamie. What gives?”

Cas stood up from the couch and stepped in front of Dean. He loomed over him as he said, “Did you not hear me?” He pitched his voice low and deadly, daring Dean to continue with a cock of his eyebrow. He got the result he wanted when Dean shifted lower on the couch, tucking himself back into the cushion. “We are never having this conversation. Ever. Do you understand me?” He punctuated each word of his question as he continued to glare at Dean.

“Yeah, okay,” replied Dean, meekly.

Cas turned away pleased but hardly satisfied. He wanted Dean to look at him and sound like that for a vastly different reason. He wanted it to come from a place of pleasure and want. As soon as those thoughts entered his mind, he swatted them away. He walked into the kitchen and grabbed the bottle of whiskey and a glass. He poured himself a shot and downed it before he reached his room. The shot was for his own needs, taking the bottle was for Dean. If he left it, Dean was likely to drink himself stupid. Something he seemed inclined to do when they had these confrontations. He didn’t fight back or threaten to leave anymore. He let Cas have the last word every damn time, and Cas hated it. It was just another piece of their relationship lost over the last six months. Cas almost felt like he was in mourning at times. He wondered if Dean felt the same.

It took a brutal confrontation where they almost came to blows for the dam to finally be broken. Cas had pushed Dean’s buttons for days. He was relentless, desperate for Dean to tell him to fuck off, to open his mouth and say something. When Dean snapped, the screaming grew so loud their neighbors started banging on the wall. Dean clenched his jaw and shoved Cas up against the wall. He dropped his voice and seethed, “Fuck you, Castiel.”

“Oh, using my full name. How terrifying,” Cas said childishly.

Dean shoved him harder, and Cas’s head banged into the wall. “I’m warning you Cas. Keep your damn mouth shut.”

“Why? Too afraid to hear the truth?”

“Don’t you fucking dare. You’ve known me for eleven fucking years, Cas, and have never once judged me. You of all people don’t get to do it now.”

Cas felt a tiny crack in his anger, but he forced it not to show on his face. “I never judged you because you never did this before.”

Stepping back, Dean dropped his arms. “And what exactly do you think I did, oh wise one?”

“You led her on Dean. Don’t even try and deny it. And then when she didn’t just accept your rejection, you used me as a buffer. You insinuated we were…” Cas’s voice cracked, and to cover it he fisted his hands in Dean’s shirt and flipped their positions. Dean’s mouth fell open as he was pressed into the wall. Cas didn’t bother to leave a sliver of space between them. “I am not yours to use in any way you see fit. And I will not let you pretend I am because I will never be yours.” Cas didn’t know if it was the look in his eyes or the tone of his voice which made Dean react the way he did.

“I wouldn’t deserve you even if you were,” he said, solemnly. He lifted his hands and placed them on Cas’s shoulders, shoving him back gently. “I forget how fucking scary you can be when you’re royally pissed off.” Dean’s bark of laughter, accompanying those words, was a surprise, and Cas couldn’t stop a dark chuckle from escaping his lips in return.

“Yes, well, maybe now you won’t forget it.” He quirked his brow and pierced Dean with a cold stare.

“God, all you need is that look and most people would shit their pants. Good thing I know you’re a gentle soul at heart.”

Cas’s face softened even as he scoffed at the notion. Obviously, it was enough to convince Dean the anger was gone because he grinned bashfully as he held out his arms. Cas shook his head but couldn’t resist the grabby hands and pleading look Dean, so often, used to break his last shred of resistance. He rolled his eyes, stepping into the embrace with a sigh. Dean held him tight and buried his head in Cas’s chest. The position, when they were standing, never made sense to Cas because Dean was taller than him, but he always accepted it. If he was honest with himself, he relished being able to comfort Dean and offer him this small measure of safety and reassurance. This was the role only Cas was permitted to play in Dean’s life. And Cas needed to allow it to be enough, or he would forever live in this perpetual cycle of hope and despair.

The warmth of Dean’s body and the steadiness of his breath made him realize he wouldn’t be doing it just for himself. Dean needed their friendship as much as Castiel did, and it was not worth risking it for a fantasy. He squeezed tighter for a heartbeat before stepping back and gently lifting Dean’s chin. “We’re good,” he stated soberly.

“Yeah?”

“Yes, Dean. Now I don’t know about you, but I’m starving after all that drama.”

“Drama huh? That’s all on you. I was perfectly calm.”

Cas snorted, “Keep telling yourself that and maybe one day you will actually achieve it.”

“Asshole,” Dean said with a wink. “Let’s go so I can feed you.”

Life settled down in the aftermath of their fight. Mainly because Cas learned to let go and learned to compartmentalize Dean’s behavior. There were still these supercharged moments between them, but Cas didn’t react to them. He didn’t react even when Dean did. Dean’s reactions were one of two things, drinking or fucking. The only saving grace was Dean didn’t succumb to the drinking. He stayed relatively sober, morose but sober enough, which allowed Cas to ignore it for the most part. He put it behind the wall in his mind, tucked away in a box marked 'Dean'. He didn’t bother dating. It wasn’t worth the effort, and it wasn’t fair to whomever he would choose to date. For even though he gave up on the pipe dream, he still loved Dean with every fiber of his being, and if he found someone, they would have to share his heart with Dean. So, it was easier to accept his life as is, instead of wishing for it to be different.

Over the next year, he finished his degree in fire science and Dean’s businesses thrived. He owned two of them as Bobby had chosen to retire from the garage and only teach part-time at the high school. Dean bought him out and rebranded the shop as Winchester Auto and Restoration. The café, which he named Millie’s, in honor of his late friend, was thriving with Rhonda as the manager. Cas knew Dean was saving a large portion of his profits, but his friend kept his reasons to himself. He tried to offer some to Sam, but the younger Winchester refused. Sam was determined to work through college and maintain his independence, following in his big brother’s footsteps. It took the combined efforts of Cas and Mary to convince Dean to accept Sam’s wishes. It helped when Sam received a scholarship and work study at the university.

He assumed this would be the pattern of their lives, of his life. He worked and continued to live with Dean who on his twenty-fifth birthday confided he never planned on marrying or even having a long-term relationship. Cas thought he should protest and try to convince his friend otherwise, but he wasn’t that strong of a person. He chose to be selfish because he really didn’t want to see Dean seriously dating someone else. He thought he was happy enough, but sometimes when he laid down in his bed, loneliness would consume him. Unlike Dean, he had always thought he would marry, so the loss of it brought grief. He hadn’t felt the intimate touch of another since Jamie. Two years without dating had turned into three, and Cas found the life he was living wasn’t enough anymore. Benny slapped him on the back and said, _finally,_ when he accepted the number of a police officer in Benny’s unit, who’d been pursuing him for months.

He held the number in his hands many times before finally dialing it. Zeke was elated to hear from him, and his enthusiasm made Cas smile. They talked for a half hour before Zeke approached the topic of a date. It touched him that Zeke sensed Cas’s need to go slow. They set the date for a week away and called or texted in the intervening days. Their conversations were easy, and Cas liked it more than he thought he would. By the time the night of their date rolled around, he was even a bit excited about it. One issue was giving him pause. Dean tensed whenever Cas’s phone rang or when Cas would mention Zeke. He tried to hide it and act happy for Cas, but his smiles were fake and his words were strained.

Even with this backdrop, Cas was not prepared for the events which transpired the night of the date. In fact, he was stunned into disbelief. The night started typically. He showered and dressed, taking time to make sure he looked nice. Dean hovered in the periphery watching the proceedings but only grunting when Cas asked how he looked. He shook his head at his friend’s gruffness and walked out of his room, brushing shoulders with Dean when he didn’t move out of the doorway. He put his wallet in his pocket and picked up his keys. He said a quick goodbye over his shoulder, reached for the door handle, and froze on the spot when Dean spoke.

“Fuck, I love you. Don’t go.”


	6. Chapter 6

Dean looked around the carefully decorated garden. He marveled at the bright sunshine which somehow chose to emerge just an hour ago. He looked down at his hands, finding them enclosed in a set of strong, elegant fingers. Hands which belonged to the beautiful blue-eyed man standing before him. Dean raised his gaze, meeting those eyes so unreservedly filled with love and devotion. “Cas, saying those words was terrifying but letting you go was…well it wasn’t an option, not really. I had a conversation with our amazing friend Rhonda almost six years ago now. She told me about needing a touchstone and I knew right then I already had one. I’ve known it all these years. You are my touchstone, the person I measure myself against. The person who holds me steady but also lifts me up. I didn’t know how to be in love with you, not then, but it didn’t mean I wasn’t. And today as we stand here in front of our family and friends, I am grateful you never wavered in your love for me. That through it all, it was there for all the world to see. It was there in every action, every touch, every word, even if I was too stubborn or too stupid to allow myself to believe in it. And I am grateful on that night you never let me waver, you didn’t let me wonder or wait. You gave me what I needed, what I had wanted for years. You loved me unequivocally, honestly, passionately, and laid the foundation for our future. And so, as I said exactly two years ago,” Dean shifted his eyes to their guests. “Kids cover your ears.”

“As if they haven’t all heard you swear, my love.”

“So true,” chimed in Rhonda from where she stood at Cas’s side.

Dean blushed as he said, “You’re one to talk, Rhonda.”

“As much as we all love your banter, I do believe you were saying your vows.” Cas squeezed Dean’s hands and gave him a slight nod.

The pink in Dean’s cheeks darkened. “Right, so as I was saying, exactly two years ago, as Cas went to walk out the door, I needed to stop him. And I knew it was time to finally be honest with myself and with my best friend, the man who always walked at my side, so I said, 'Fuck, I love you. Please don’t go.' And he didn’t. He stayed, he swept me in his arms, literally.” Dean paused, grinning at Cas and then their guests. “What can I say, the man is deceptively strong.” When his eyes found Cas’s again, he said, “Cas, you are my strength. You carry me and support me, and every day I am amazed you are mine. And I am yours, Cas. Yesterday, today, and for all our tomorrows.”

Cas leaned forward and captured Dean’s lips in a tender kiss. He let it linger for several heartbeats. When he pulled back, he said, “I am yours. Despite every attempt I made to move on, move forward, that fact never changed. You say I am your touchstone, well, you are my beacon. Through every darkness and every storm, you always find a way to lead me home. You shine so brightly at times I feel almost blinded by it. You are beauty and joy and laughter. Before I met you, I didn’t have those in my life. It was no wonder I fell in love with you. It was the easiest thing in the world. Don’t get me wrong falling was easy - loving you was certainly not. It was confusing, infuriating, and downright heartbreaking at times. But it was also the best thing I have ever done. Letting you lean on me, lifting you up, encouraging you, simply being there, at your side, holding you, understanding you have always done the same for me, makes every heart-wrenching moment worth it. Dean, you are worth it. And I chose you as you are, with your stubbornness and unflinching loyalty, with your blustering charm and unabashed love, and I will continue to choose you every day going forward. My life would be incomplete without you. Without any of part of what makes you the love of my life. You have openly shown me, and vociferously told me, over the last two years how fierce and how deep your love goes. I promise to tell you and show you the same, Dean, because without a doubt, you are mine. My center, my foundation, my light, my love.” Tears fell from both men’s eyes as Cas finished his vows. There was silence surrounding them as they remained lost in each other’s eyes.

Rufus began speaking about the exchange of rings, but neither groom seemed to take note. At some point, they must have focused enough to do it because both were wearing rings when he announced, “You may kiss your husband.” Cas didn’t hesitate. He pulled Dean tight against him, breathed, “I love you,” against Dean’s lips before giving him a searing kiss. It left Dean breathless and dazed as Cas’s kisses often did.

He was pulled out of his daze by the weight of his brother’s arm on his shoulders. “I know you would stand here for hours kissing him, but it’s time for pictures. And you both need to say goodbye to all the kids.”

With a wide grin, Dean said, “Lead the way, Sammy.” Once Sam started down the aisle, Dean turned back to Cas. This time he was the one to embrace his husband and kiss him senseless. “Ready,” he said as he pulled back with a smirk.

“Oh, I am ready. Are you?”

“Cas,” whined Dean, “No using that voice right now. I do not want a boner in our wedding photos.”

Shrugging, Cas said, “I don’t see a problem with that.”

“Of course you don’t, because you are a horny bastard.”

Cas tugged him forward, placing his hands on the small of Dean’s back. “If I am, it is solely because of you.”

Dean gave him a quick kiss. “We can argue about who's to blame later. We need to go before Sam comes searching for us and starts talking about the schedule. If I have to hear about-”

His words were cut-off by Sam’s booming voice. “Dammit Dean. Now we're behind schedule.” They joined Sam at the staging area and made their goodbyes to the kids. Since the reception was an adults-only event, they were hosting a party for everyone the next day. “We’ll see you all tomorrow,” announced Dean before they followed Sam over to the photographer. The photos seemed to take an interminable amount of time. As soon as she snapped the last photo, Cas and Dean vanished.

“Oh my God. Really? You couldn’t wait until the wedding night?" Sam said as he stared at his brother and brother-in-law. “How the hell did you even get this far into it? We just finished pictures five minutes ago.” Sam stared at his brother bent over the back of a couch with his tuxedo jacket shoved up and his pants down around his ankle.

Laughing, Dean turned to look back at his new husband standing flush against his backside. Cas understood the silent communication and smiled. “Dean is wondering if you really want to know the answer to that question with my cock buried in his ass.”

“Fuck you, Cas. You sadistic son-of-a-bitch.”

“You’re the one still looking at us, Sammy.” Cas shifted behind him and Dean cried out before he added, “Unless you want to see the rest of the show, I suggest you leave.”

Glaring at the two of them, Sam stood his ground. “It’s not the first time I’ve seen you in panties while Cas fucks you, and I’m sure it won’t be the last. What I don’t understand this time is why now, when you have a hoard of guests waiting for you?”

Dean and Cas looked at each other with equally wicked grins before turning to Sam. “Tuxedos,” they said in unison. “Besides I couldn’t wait for Cas to see his gift to me.” Dean tugged on the panties. “And I couldn’t wait for him to see mine.” He gestured at the bright blue butt plug on the floor.”

“Now I believe that answers all of your questions. So, if you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to finish putting my claim on my new husband.”

Dean sighed, “Aww, you called me your husband.”

“That’s what you are,” the firefighter responded smacking Dean on the ass. They both laughed before realizing Sam was still in the room with them. Dean looked at his brother’s bland expression and comfortable demeanor. “Sammy, is there a reason you’re still here? I mean it’s kinda weirding me out. Usually you blush and swear and cover your eyes.”

The younger man cocked his head and shrugged. “I think I’m immune at this point. You never keep your hands off each other. Hallways, living rooms, a terrace, elevators, public restrooms, Benny’s kitchen, my bedroom…”

“You forgot parks, movie theaters, and the backseat of your car,” Dean added.

Remembering the last one, Sam rolled his eyes. “I was just running into the store for like two items.”

“What can I say? Cas is hot when he’s wearing his tight navy t-shirt and BDUs. Now before the lube completely dries up, get out and shut the door.”

“I think maybe I need therapy because you saying shit like that doesn’t even faze me anymore.” Sam shrugged before turning to face the door. “Would you like me to lock it this time? Or would that kill the thrill?”

“You need to leave because whether you get out or not, I am going to finish what I started.” The deep gritty voice of his brother-in-law made Sam flinch. He quickly locked the door and exited. Before the door was shut all the way, Sam heard the slick sounds of sex and the deep moans of his brother.

With the click of the door, Cas pulled back and then slammed back into Dean’s delicious body. Each thrust elicited a punched-out groan from his husband, or a breathy, "please". Never able to deny his love anything, Castiel took Dean’s hard cock in hand, jacking him quick and firm. Letting go, Dean allowed his husband to take total control. His orgasm built and crested several times before Cas let him tip over the edge. The feeling of euphoria lit up every nerve ending and whited out his vision. When he came back to himself, he felt Cas’s hard cock moving slowly inside. Dean whimpered, “Cas.”

“What do you want, my love?”

“I need to see you finish.” 

Cas pulled out and flipped his husband around. He grabbed Dean’s thighs and lifted him. Dean wrapped his legs around Cas. Pushing Dean into the nearest wall, Cas slid home. They both sighed at the connection. “I love you, Dean.” Resting his forehead against Castiel’s, Dean whispered, “I love you, too. I’m yours. Take me.” Cas closed the space between them and kissed Dean hungrily, sliding his tongue into Dean’s hot mouth. It sent sparks through Dean’s already sensitive body. The kiss deepened as Cas began to thrust. He set a slow, languorous pace until he felt Dean growing hard between them. “Ah, there you are. Come with me, Dean.” Cas picked up his pace as Dean grabbed his cock. Thrusting deep into Dean, Cas cried out as he came. Pulse after pulse filled Dean, but it was the look on Cas’ face that did him in, and Dean found himself coming for the second time.

Dean dropped his head onto Cas’s shoulder and tried to catch his breath. Cas wasn’t faring much better. As his breathing finally slowed, Cas said, “I suppose we should clean up and join our guests.”

Chuckling, Dean lifted his head and looked down at his body. “Don’t suppose you have an extra dress shirt.”

Cas walked to the couch and set Dean on it. He walked over to a garment bag, pulling out a crisp white shirt. “Hmm…you should know by now I am always prepared.”

“And always ready.”

“That is only because my husband is an amazingly beautiful man.” Dean flushed at his husband’s words. “And that right there only makes you more gorgeous,” stated Cas. Dean ducked his head as his blush deepened. “Let me see you, Dean.” Lifting his head, Dean smiled shyly. “Don’t ever hide from me, my love.” Dean shuddered at the endearment but refused to look away. Cas crossed the room and pulled Dean to his feet. He helped his husband out of his jacket and shirt. Once Dean was dressed in clean clothes, Cas led him from the room. 

Fifteen minutes later, they were seated at the dais. Fifty guests were seated around the ballroom, decorated in blues and greens. Cas and Dean were flanked by Sam, Benny, Rhonda, and Inias. After a hush fell over the room, Sam stood. “First, I just want to apologize for these two. I know they kept us waiting.”

Dean chimed in, “With good reason.”

Sam shook his head, “Hardly.”

Cas could not resist the set-up. “Oh, it was hard all right.”

“It never stops,” Sam whispered as he lowered the microphone. Turning his attention back to the guests, he continued, “Now as many of you know my brother and his new husband have a penchant for disappearing, so once again I was forced to find them.” Yells of, _where were they, what were they doing, were they wearing clothes, _erupted from the room. “Let’s see.” Sam swept his eyes over the room with a pinched expression. “They were in one of the dressing rooms partially clothed and my dear brother was…”

“Sammy,” growled Dean.

“Well, in favor of modesty, even if these two never adhere to it, I won’t say any more.”

Another yell, came from the audience, _giving or receiving_. Benny burst out laughing, “And that’s why this is a no kids’ reception.” He stood and in his southern drawl said, “I guess Sam and I aren’t the only ones who’ve caught them mid-act.” Seeing recognition on several faces, Benny decided to take a poll. “Let’s see a show of hands if you can join our little club.” Hands shot in the air and laughter erupted from the group.

Dean and Cas scanned the room before looking at the remainder of the dais. To Dean’s utter embarrassment, his mother and Missouri raised their hands. “You’ve got to be kidding me. When?”

“I don’t think you really want an answer to that, sweetie,” said Mary.

Looking to his husband, Dean found the firefighter unfazed and clearly proud. As their eyes made contact, Cas smiled, took the microphone, and in his deep gravelly voice, he announced, “What can I say? I love my husband, and I waited ten long years to show him how much. So, I will do just that, anytime, anywhere.”

Dean tipped his head down. “Cas,” he whispered reverently, “I love you, too.” As their guests, _ooh’d_ and a_ww’d_, Cas lifted Dean’s chin. When damp green eyes met loving blue ones, Cas leaned in and kissed his husband. Applause erupted in the room. As the two men pulled away from each other, they laughed before turning to their guests.

When the applause died down, Sam took the microphone back to finish his toast. “That right there is why I will put up with the shenanigans. Cas has loved my brother from the day they met and told him so at sixteen. It took Dean longer to understand his feelings for Cas, but once he did, he was all in. From the first moment, he said _I love you_ to Cas, he welcomed all the love Cas had to offer and gave it back openly. Believe me, I was there the morning after his confession, and I saw first-hand how it would be between them. Clueless and shocked by it, but so grateful the day had finally come. So, this day, their wedding day, was a long time coming, and I for one am proud that I have been a witness to their love story. Dean is an amazing big brother, my best friend, and a great man. Fortunately for me, another brother came into my life. Cas has supported me and loved me. He has always been family and today makes it official.” Lifting his glass, Sam shakily said, “To Dean and Cas, the best men I have ever known, may the rest of your years shine with the love we see in your eyes every time you look at each other.”

Rhonda reached out as the microphone was passed to her. She smiled down at Cas, winked and gave him a quick pat on his shoulder. “I met Cas in our sophomore year of high school. He was rumpled and somehow put together at the same time. He intrigued me from the start. It took a while for him to share his story with me. It took even longer for Dean to do the same. I wanted so much to interfere, but it had to come from Dean. Cas never hid his feelings for Dean. He didn’t push or prod. I wouldn’t say he was waiting, because he did try to move forward. It just never stuck, and Dean was no better. Dean and I talked about never marrying on more than one occasion. I didn’t last very long. Married with two kids by the age of twenty-three. I think for Dean, when he convinced himself he couldn’t, or I should say shouldn’t, have Cas, he gave up on the notion of love. I am so glad he opened that door again. To see the two of them together these last two years has brought joy to not only them, but to all of us who were rooting for them all these years. Cas may not be the rumpled boy I met at fifteen, and Dean may not be the cocky teen, determined to grow up too fast, but they are still the kindest and dearest friends a person could ever have. And they remain each other’s best friend. To finding the love of your life at twelve years old even if it took fourteen years to finally get together and another two for Dean to break his vow of never marrying. To Dean and Cas.”

Rhonda handed the microphone to her husband. Benny stood up as he chuckled. “I have so many stories I could tell, but I’ll save those for one of our get-togethers. Instead, I would like to talk about these two men and a friendship which has inspired me for years. I watched these two support and infuriate each other for years. It was obvious how much they cared for each other and how loyal they were to each other. I think that more than anything is why Rhonda and I asked them to be our kids’ legal guardians. It didn’t matter if they never went further than friendship because it was clear they would always be together. They are the best uncles my kids could have. The best friends anyone could hope for, and now they will be the best husbands to each other. That, I believe, is guaranteed.” He exaggerated his southern drawl on the last sentence, earning a chuckle from the guests. “Love ya, brothers.”

Dean nodded at Benny and then looked at Cas with a bright smile, leaning in for another kiss. With the toasts done, he figured he could indulge himself a bit. The sound of Inias’s voice brought him out of the tender kiss. “Don’t look at me like that, Dean. There are a lot of people who want to speak. We are just getting started. First I want to thank Dean for making Cas break his date two years ago.”

“That’s only cause you picked the guy up that night,” huffed Dean.

Inias grinned at Dean and then winked at his boyfriend Zeke. “Not denying it. You weren’t the only ones to get lucky that night.” Whoops and chuckles erupted in the room. “Quiet down,” said Inias with mock indignation. “It was our senior year and I pursued Cas for months. I sucked at it and couldn’t take a hint, so when I asked him to prom, he flat out told me the truth. He was in love and had been for years. I didn’t ask with whom because deep down I knew. I joined the ranks of all those who knew and who sat on their hands and held their tongues. Man, am I glad we don’t have to do that anymore. And that we finally retired the Destiel drinking game because Benny is a competitive ass.”

“Not my fault you can’t hold your liquor,” snarked Benny.

“Anyway, I just want to say, thanks Cas for welcoming me into this crazy group of friends and for turning me down. And Dean, keep putting that smile on Castiel’s face. Love you guys.”

Cas stood up and walked over to his friend. They embraced as Mary took the microphone. She waited until Cas was seated before speaking. “My speech won’t be long because I have already told my boys what today means to me and how proud I am of them.” Dean mouthed, _love you,_ and Mary smiled, tears welling in her eyes. “My boys,” she chuckled, “I had two sons until one day Dean brings home this boy with these big blue eyes and messy dark hair. And from that day on, I had three boys. Cas always completed our family. He filled a missing piece, and I will forever be grateful he came into our lives. But I am most grateful for how he loves Dean.” Tears spilled down her cheeks. “It is no surprise that Dean loves Cas just as fiercely. It is the only way he knows how to love.” She wiped her tears away and whispered, “I love you both.” She fumbled with the microphone, and it landed in Missouri’s hand.

“Mine will also be short because they already know how I feel. Having the Winchester boys as neighbors was never dull. Let me tell you. Then they added Castiel to the mix, and my life was never the same. I had the honor of bringing Cas into my home. The day he called me Mama was the happiest day of my life until today - seeing our boys get married,” she glanced down at Mary, and they clasped hands, “Mary and I never gave up hope this day would come because we knew they belonged to each other. Just don’t screw it up, our old hearts couldn’t take it.”

“I second that,” yelled Bobby as he stood up and approached Missouri. Microphone in hand, Bobby glared at Dean and Castiel. “You two deserve each other. I don’t know that anyone else could put up with you stubborn idjits, so it’s a good thing you found each other. Now you know I hate this mushy crap, but today is a special day, so listen up because I am only going to say this once. Dean I am proud of the man you’ve become. You impress the hell out of me as a business man and for wearing your heart on your sleeve when it comes to Cas. He needed that from you, just as you have always needed it from him. Cas, Mary didn’t lie when she said you completed the family. We needed one more shoulder to lean on, and you just fit. Take this, Ellen, before I start blubbering.” He hastily shoved the microphone at his wife.

“Old man, we all saw you blubbering when they said their vows. No need to stand on ceremony now,"Ellen smirked as Bobby grumbled under his breath. With one last grin at her husband, Ellen turned to face the stage. “Boys, I only have one thing to say. ‘Bout damn time.” She looked like she was going to sit, but then she said, “Ha, you thought you were getting off that easy. I saw that sigh of relief, Dean, so now you get to sit and listen to me for a bit longer. When Bobby first introduced me to the Winchesters, Dean was a snot-nosed kid who loved trouble. And he was always dragging Sam along with, although I’m not too sure Sam didn’t instigate some of the crazier things they did.” Sam flushed under Ellen’s gaze, and Dean gave her a wide, happy grin. “I thought maybe when Castiel came along he might temper some of their wilder inclinations. Man, was I wrong. Our beloved firefighter up there is even worse when it comes to Dean in the 'tempting fate' department. From his first disastrous attempt at building a rocket to his penchant for hospital visits, he is the one most likely to give us old folks a heart attack. But these two boys are the first ones we call, and the first one’s to show up when we need them. I know they will provide the same for each other or I will kick their asses. To Dean and Cas.”

The guests began clapping and then chants of _kiss, kiss, kiss_ joined the raucous noise. Dean rolled his eyes but leaned in for a long, slow kiss. Cas smiled into the kiss, making it a bit messier than intended. “Love you,” he whispered into Dean’s mouth. Dean hummed in response. By the time they came up for air, the microphone had made its way to the table filled with Cas’s fellow firefighters. “Oh, no,” he sighed.

Rufus shook his head and said, “I see enough of that shit when Dean slinks his way into the station. You ain’t that sneaky boy.” He pointed at Dean who ducked his head under the fire chief’s scrutiny. “And as for you,” he snapped as he flicked his gaze to Cas, “do you ever think you’ll learn to follow an order? It’s not that hard. If you’re the first in, you are most definitely not the last out.”

“I second that,” said Donna, cheerfully.

The rest of the table nodded their agreement. “See, I’m not the only one,” Dean said as he leaned against Cas.

Cas wrapped his arm around Dean’s shoulders. “I know, my love.”

Rufus was still speaking, and when they tuned back in, he was saying, “I’m not holding out hope, but maybe for Dean’s sanity, you know your husband, you could listen to your elders. Who wants this damn thing?”

Donna took it and said, “Castiel, I owe you my life, and I am so glad I get to be here to see you marry the love of your life. Dean, take care of him.” 

Garth, who was bouncing up and down, grabbed the microphone. “Can I hug you two?”

Both Cas and Dean laughed and nodded. Garth rushed the stage and practically leapt over the long table. “Love you guys,” he yelled, a tad too loud for their proximity.

“Love you, too, buddy,” said Dean as he patted Garth on the back. When Dean finally extricated himself, he saw his husband smiling at him triumphantly. Dean tipped his head in confusion until he saw the microphone blessedly cradled in Cas’s hands. “Thank God,” he whispered.

Cas stood up and looked down at his new husband. “I would love to thank each and every one of you, but I for one am starving and I know after our earlier activities that Dean is also. So, dinner is served.” He winked at the staff who had been patiently waiting, and they quickly exited. Cas barely had time to kiss Dean and whisper endearments before the food was placed in front of them. “I really am starving,” he said.

“Me, too,” answered Dean with a mouthful of food.

“Always so charming,” said Sam, sarcastically.

“Oh, he is,” said Cas. “He can charm the pants off me at the drop of a hat."

Benny and Sam both scoffed. “Not sure he has to do anything for that to happen,” said Benny.

“Ah, you may be right, but it doesn’t mean I don’t make him work for it.”

Dean burst out laughing before saying, “Trust me, the bastard is telling the truth.”

“Dammit, Dean. Will you let me eat my dinner now?” Sam gestured at his plate then at Dean. “Without all the innuendo.”

“Of course, Sam,” stated Cas while Dean nodded with his mouth full. 

The soft sounds of music began to fill the room. The opening bars of the song caused Dean to lift his head and spot his husband standing near the band. Cas’s purposeful strides carried him across the room swiftly. Love clearly shining in his eyes, he held out his hand for Dean. The welcoming palm was warm and felt in many ways like coming home. Dean couldn’t contain the contented sigh escaping his lips, and he fell into Cas’s strong arms. His husband led him to the center of the dance floor. He wrapped one of his hands around Dean’s waist. Dean shook his head at his husband. “Even here you have to lead.”

“I don’t see you complaining when I take your pleasure completely into my hands,” Cas whispered, lowering his voice an octave and breathing along the sensitive spot behind Dean’s ear.

Without a word, Dean gave up any pretense and submitted to his husband’s wishes. “Take me away, Cas.” He lost himself in Cas’s deep blue eyes as the song slid into the first refrain. Dean smiled at Cas’s choice of _Guiding Light,_ and the way he whispered the words to Dean as they danced. Bodies swaying closer and closer as the song played on, until there was no space between them. They didn’t separate as the song ended and transitioned into _From This Moment On_. Cas kissed him fiercely as the words, _I live only for your happiness_, filled the room. After that, his deep voice began to sing along with the band, and Dean’s vision blurred with tears. “How’d I get so lucky? A kinky bastard and a romantic rolled into one,” he tried to tease, but the reverence in his voice gave him away.

“Hmm…I think I’m the lucky one. I married my best friend, and he just happens to be my perfect match.” Cas leaned in closer and nuzzled Dean’s neck, kissing along his collar bone. “In the bedroom.”

“Only in the bedroom?” asked Dean, cheekily.

“Do you need it spelled out, my love? Because I thought it was pretty obvious whenever I touch you.”

Dean chuckled, sensually. “You mean the way we both lose any sense of the world around us.” Dean tugged on Cas’s hair. “Get up here and kiss me.”

Cas bit the jut of Dean’s jaw before acquiescing to his husband’s demand. “You sure you want to be giving me orders?” Cas said after kissing Dean breathless.

“Oh, fuck. Don’t start with that already. It’s too early to get me all turned on and horny when we still have guests to entertain.”

“As you wish,” smirked Cas as he stepped back, giving Dean some breathing room.

Dean looked down and frowned at the distance. “You can’t just _Princess Bride_ me. I’m not falling for it. There is no way it was that easy.”

“Nothing will be easy, but I will gladly save it for later,” Cas said as he smacked Dean’s ass.

“I fucking love you, you know that?”

“I know.”

“Quit using movie references, you ass.”

With a cocky quirk of his eyebrow, Cas asked, “Why, Dean? Does it turn you on when I talk like Han Solo?”

“You know it does. Now shut up and dance with me.” Cas spun Dean away and then pulled him tight against him once again. Dean caught his husband’s lips in a bruising kiss. There was a touch of silence, and Dean noticed, for the first time, others had joined them on the dance floor. The lyrics of _Like a Rock_ took Dean back in time. “This was playing that night. The night I told you I loved you. I was scared shitless.”

Cas rubbed circles into the small of Dean’s back. “I thought you were fucking with me at first. Or that I was dreaming.”

“The look on your face. God, I didn’t even know if I should continue talking, but I couldn’t let you out that door. I didn’t know what I expected when I told you not to go, but it wasn’t to be on my knees in front of you within a few minutes. Although I should have known.”

“What do you mean?”

“Um…ah…well…”

Cas stared, confusion radiating off him. “Spit it out, Dean.”

“So, I have no idea why I never told you this after everything we have said and done to each other, but…uh…I may have heard you one night.” Cas looked more perplexed, so Dean continued, “I heard you order Jamie to get on his knees and a few other things. And I may have envisioned myself in his position. It was the first time I gave in and jacked off thinking about you.”

Cas grinned wickedly, “I like that.”

“I’m shocked,” Dean said, rolling his eyes dramatically. “I wasted so much time.”

“Don’t do that Dean. Not today.” Cas held him tighter and kissed his temple. “You have done enough of it these last two years. Let it go and just be with me in the here and now. No regrets.”

“No regrets,” Dean whispered to his husband as he pushed out of his arms. He kissed him gently as he walked over to the band, keeping his eyes on Cas the entire way. The lead singer handed Dean her microphone. Silence filled the room as the band stopped playing and everyone turned to face Dean. “My husband always tells me to have no regrets. To focus on our present and our future. It is something that is never easy for me, but he makes me want to try. Cas, you are the strongest and gentlest man I know, and somehow despite our ass-backward way of getting here, we did it. I know how hard it is for you to relinquish any control, but over these two years you have allowed me to find my way to be the man for you. You waited patiently for me to propose. You didn’t balk when I bought us our home, and you let me plan this day. And through it all, I knew if I stumbled you would be there to take the reins. It’s why I didn’t falter. Your faith in me after everything is the thing I hold closest to my heart. I love you, Castiel Winchester.” Dean turned and nodded at the band, and they began to play.

Cas recognized the opening and tears welled in his eyes. It was a song Dean sang to him many nights when Cas’s demons crept in on him. Cas needed reassurance that Dean wasn’t going anywhere. It was not something he admitted to anyone, even Dean, but Dean instinctively knew so he would sing _Never Tear Us Apart_. Dean always repeated the refrain, _We could live for a thousand years, but if I hurt you, I’d make wine from your tears. I told you that we could fly cause we all have wings._ Dean was the only one who knew Cas dreamt of dark wings and the rush of flight ever since his parents kicked him out. He was the only one who knew those wings wrapped around Dean and held tight. It was as much about freedom and his new life as it was about the fear of loss. So, when his husband sang those words to him in front of all their guests, they were still sharing a private, intimate moment.

Dean’s voice faded before he handed the microphone back to the lead singer. She picked up the last refrain of the song, and Dean joined Castiel. This time Dean took the lead. He held Cas tight and whispered, “I’m yours for all time, Cas. Always have been and always will be.”

Cas rested his head into the crook of Dean’s neck and inhaled the scent of his husband. The scent of home, safety, and love. “I love you, Dean,” he mumbled against the warmth of Dean’s skin.

“Love you too, sweetheart.”

By then the song had ended, replaced by a more upbeat one. The two men stepped out of their embrace. They were quickly surrounded by their closest friends and family. Laughter filled the space around them. They drank and danced the night away. Even the oldest among them stayed to the very end. Hugs and kisses were exchanged before they made their way to the car. Dean opened his baby up on the freeway, smiling as he held Cas’s hand. The Impala ate up the miles until they pulled into their hotel for the night. Their check-in already taken care of, the men took the elevator to the top floor. The suite was spacious and beautifully decorated, although neither noticed upon entering. They only had eyes for each other. Dean Shut the door quickly and grabbed his husband. He stripped Cas of his clothing and then stepped back to admire the man. Cas as always let Dean appraise him without the slightest hint of embarrassment. He never flushed the way Dean did when under similar scrutiny. In fact, Cas took his cock in hand, jacking himself slowly, maintaining eye contact the entire time.

These moments weren’t exactly rare, but they weren’t common-place. Cas usually took charge, and Dean was all for it. But tonight, he wanted to take Cas apart. He wanted to be the one to bring him to the edge over and over. He knew his husband understood because Cas could read him so well. Dean stepped forward and touched Cas’s hand, stilling it. He gently removed it from Cas’s cock, replacing it with his own. He watched his hand, sliding up and down Cas’s length. He listened for the breathy moans and whispered words of encouragement. Only then did he lift his gaze and look at Cas’s lust-filled blue eyes. Dean leaned in, pressing his body closer and bringing his lips to Cas’s mouth. He stopped short of kissing him, breathing against his lips. Cas licked his lips in response, brushing his tongue ever so slightly against Dean’s lips. Any measure of control Dean still possessed was snapped as his mouth found his husband’s. The taste and feel of Cas’s tongue was so familiar and so arousing. It never failed to harden Dean’s cock. He rocked his hips forward as he sought out the wet heat of Cas’s mouth. Cas moaned loudly at the contact of Dean’s clothed erection rubbing against his exposed one. Dean’s hand had slipped away at some point, so Cas thrust his hips, seeking friction. Dean rocked back and they found a rhythm, matching the thrust of their tongues.

It was Dean’s turn to moan. Despite how good it felt, he forced himself to back off. He gave Cas a small peck on the corner of his mouth before taking two steps back. Slowly, he began to undress. His actions sped up when Cas once again took his cock in hand, tipping his head back in pleasure, exposing the long line of his neck. Dean wanted to get his mouth on it, so his fingers sped up, practically ripping his clothes off and stumbling a few times in his haste. Cas smiled knowingly at him and that look only increased Dean’s arousal. As soon as he tugged his foot free, he slammed his body against Cas’s. He nosed along his neck, kissing and biting.

Cas gripped Dean’s neck with one hand while the other carded through his hair. The pressure was light enough to allow Dean to move at his heart’s content. And he did. He slid his tongue along the dip of Cas’s collar bone before trailing it down his chest. He sucked on each nipple until they were dark, hard, and tender. Cas never begged with words, but his body signaled his needs. Dean had learned to interpret the signs over the two years they had been together. It took time and patience, but it also brought them both to new heights of pleasure. Dean had never taken time to understand every inch of a lover until Cas. In the beginning, it was all about Cas teaching Dean. Teaching him to understand his own body. Teaching him to accept his wants and desires. To not feel ashamed of giving up control or wearing panties. Cas taught him to be himself, to be free in bed, to embrace his arousal at the sight of Cas’s male body, to revel in it and to succumb to his pleasure in ways he would never have imagined with another partner. And when he did, when he was finally blessedly free, Cas gave up control and let Dean discover Cas, to explore his body and his pleasure.

Dean found he loved touching and kissing every part of Cas’s body. There was no limit to the pleasure it brought them both. He loved making him moan, loved the taste of him on his tongue, loved the masculine scent, and the hard line of his body. The culmination of all those times was, on this night, their wedding night, he could sense Cas’s needs. He could read the minute changes in his movements and his sounds. So, he knew the second Cas needed his mouth on him. He took his husband’s cock in his mouth, holding it there until Cas’s eyes found his, only then did he move and suck. The pleasure he found in wrapping his mouth around a hard cock had taken him by surprise the first time he did it. Surprise quickly turned into unbidden desire. He laid himself bare for Cas in these moments. Never tempering his own pleasure as he sucked and licked and worshiped Cas.

On his knees staring up at Cas, he swallowed him down one last time before pulling off with a soft kiss to the heated flesh. He stood and grabbed Cas’s hand. He walked him to the bed, and when Cas sat down, he slid between his legs. He tipped Cas’s head up, tugging his hair, as he took his mouth in a fevered kiss. Breaking the kiss, he said, “So, beautiful.”

“Hmm…” Cas opened his eyes. “You are the one who is beautiful, my love.” With a gentle nudge, Cas shifted back on the bed, reclining against the massive pile of pillows. Dean crawled up after him. Just as he went to run his hands up his husband’s thighs, Cas said, “Aren’t you forgetting something?”

“No, I’m not,” Dean smirked as he pointed to the nightstand and a rather large bottle of lube.

“Someone’s been busy,” chuckled Cas.

Dean rubbed the back of his neck nervously, but then burst out in laughter. “More like Sammy’s been busy.”

Cas’s laughter deepened. “You are cruel,” he gasped as Dean thrust against him.

“I would say resourceful, but I’m sure Sam would agree with you.” Dean thrust again and smiled wickedly, “Now shut up and let me have my way with you.”

“Of course, Dean.”

The words sent a shock of arousal straight to his rock-hard cock. “Why the hell does that turn me on so much?”

“What doesn’t turn you on when it comes to me?” asked Cas, voice deep and sensual.

“I’d love to argue just to prevent stroking your already inflated ego, but we both know I’m a sucker for you, any and all of you, so…”

“Sucker…apt choice of words,” hmm’d Cas.

“Okay, you are way too well-spoken. I’m clearly failing in my job to turn you into a whimpering mess.” Cas spread his legs and stared at Dean, beckoning him to continue. “Fuck, that’s sexy,” said Dean as he surged forward. After kissing Cas breathless, he kissed down his body, nipping at his hip bones and his inner thighs. Spreading Cas’s knees wider, he sucked one of Cas’s balls into his mouth and then the other. Cas was shifting and rocking at the sensation. Dean pressed his finger against Cas’s hole, feeling it tense and then loosen.

Unable to ever fully relinquish control, Cas said, “What do you want? Do you want to fuck me, my love? Do you want me to let you take me?”

“God, yes,” whimpered Dean, loving Cas’s commanding voice.

“Then do it.”

Dean squeezed the base of his own cock as pre-come squirted from the tip. “Dammit Cas. You know you can’t do that, or it will be over before I even start.”

Cas chuckled darkly. “Making you so hard for me is one of my greatest pleasures, but watching you fight to control yourself is even better.”

“Fuck you,” Dean said with no heat.

“I thought that was the plan, or did I make you forget already?”

“Cocky bastard.” Dean lightly covered Cas’s mouth with his hand. “Now will you please stay quiet.” Cas nodded as his hands came up to caress the swell of Dean’s ass. The action spurred Dean on and reminded him of his goal. He removed his hand from Cas’s mouth and ran it down his body in one long slide. He ran it down his cock and over his balls. Cas jerked at the light touch. With his other hand, Dean grabbed the lube. After coating two of his fingers, he circled Cas’s hole, applying gentle pressure every few seconds. As he pressed one finger inside, he licked along the seam of Cas’s lips. Cas opened to him in more than one way. His tongue slid in as his finger fully breached Cas’s tight hole. They both sighed at the contact. Cas took control of their movements, rocking his body onto Dean’s hand. Dean inserted another finger, eliciting a deep moan from Cas.

His husband pulled him tighter, demanding more. Dean rocked his hard cock against Cas’s thigh as he fucked him aggressively with his fingers. It didn’t take long for Cas to signal he was ready. Dean sat back and looked at his fingers, watching Cas’s body take them in, before slowly pulling them out. He slicked up his cock and stared into Cas’s eyes. “Love you like this.”

“I know,” said Cas, and then he nodded. It was all Dean needed. He pulled Cas’s hips, leveraging him into his lap. As soon as his cock breached Cas’s hole, he froze. As always, he was overcome by the tight vice of his husband’s body. “Move, Dean,” said Cas bringing him back to the moment.

Dean fucked into his husband. One long slide until he was flush against him. He controlled their movements, fucking slow and steady and then fast and hard. The pressure on his cock grew and then changed abruptly as Cas surged. He flipped his whole body up into Dean’s lap, wrapping his arms around Dean’s neck. He took control of his own pleasure, throwing his head back as he ground himself down on Dean’s cock. “Touch me,” he said just before he licked his way into Dean’s mouth.

The words said in that voice were enough. Dean came as he fisted his husband’s cock. He jerked it erratically as his orgasm rocketed threw him. Cas released his mouth as they were both panting harshly. They both looked down and watched as Cas came between them. “Best sex ever,” stated Cas, through ragged breaths.

“Every damn time,” agreed Dean as they both collapsed.

They curled around each other for a few minutes before Cas insisted they take a shower. It wasn’t long after when he initiated round two, delving into the bag of toys Cas had specifically selected for their wedding night. It never ceased to amaze Dean how dedicated Cas was to their sex life. For someone who only had a few boyfriends, Cas ended up being the more experienced one when it came to the kinky side of their bedroom activities. Dean had loved that about Cas since their first night together. He wasn’t actually shocked, more happily surprised, at Cas’s ability to bring him literally and figuratively to his knees. And round two did not disappoint. Dean was thankful their post-wedding events were scheduled for the late afternoon because he would need every minute of that time to recover.

Cas smiled fondly at him as he wiped him down tenderly, kissing every newly clean spot of skin. He sucked a few marks into Dean’s skin, laying a claim he didn’t really need to make, because Dean was his and had no qualms about telling him so. When Cas was finished, he crawled back into the bed and pulled Dean tight against his chest. He draped his arm around Dean’s waist and kissed the back of his neck. “I love you, Dean,” he whispered into his skin.

“Love you, Cas,” Dean said as his eyes closed. 

It took great effort to get Dean out of the bed the next day. Cas chuckled at his fumbling and groaning. “You act like you’re an old man already. Come on. We're already running late. Everyone will be at the house by now.”

“Who cares?” whined Dean.

Cas tickled the bottom of Dean’s foot before yanking him to the edge of the bed. “Get up,” he commanded. Cas smirked, knowing Dean’s shiver came from the sound of his voice. “I will meet you in the shower.”

Dean’s lazy gaze settled on Cas as he walked naked to the bathroom. Cas could feel his eyes on him the entire way. He turned to look over his shoulder. Dean was scrambling out of bed, practically chasing him. Cas raised his brow. “What?" said Dean. "Your ass is fucking fantastic.”

“That’s all it takes. One glimpse,” smirked Cas.

“It was way more than one glimpse. You were taking your sweet time, sauntering across the room. Flaunting it, knowing exactly what it does to me.”

“It did get you out of bed.” Dean pressed up against him, nestling his cock along the crack of Cas’s ass. “You seem eager for someone who could barely move a minute ago,” said Cas, as he leaned back into the touch.

“Yeah, yeah. No need to point out the obvious.” Dean ran his hands around Cas’s stomach. “Are we showering or what?”

Twenty minutes and two soapy hand-jobs later, they emerged from the bathroom. Room service arrived just as Dean buttoned up his jeans. “When the hell did you order this?”

Cas merely smiled as he sat down and started eating. Dean joined him, and they ate in companionable silence until Cas said, “You ready for today?”

“I’m looking forward to it actually. I can’t wait to see all the kids.”

“Good.”

“Don’t get me wrong. I loved that last night was adults only.”

“Well, it was your idea so…” Cas’s voice faded on the last word before he said, “I packed everything up while you lounged in bed, so we’re ready whenever you are.”

Dean stood up and walked around the small table. He climbed into Cas’s lap and gave him a wicked kiss. All tongue and teeth. “Now I’m ready.” Cas smacked Dean’s ass when he stood up. “You did enough of that last night,” Dean said as he swatted at Cas’s hand.

Cas’s cock twitched at the memory, and he trailed his eyes hungrily over his husband’s body. “You are perfect for me.”

“Likewise,” said Dean, leaning in and pecking Cas on the lips.


	7. Chapter 7

As they pulled onto their street, they saw a vast number of cars and a crazy amount of decorations in their front yard. Balloons and signs littered the yard. Cas rolled his eyes at the spectacle. “I assume we have Garth to thank for all of that.”

“I’m sure Sammy and Donna played their part in it.”

Cas reached across the seat and took Dean’s hand. He felt a need to express himself. “I love our home. I love when it’s filled with family and friends. I love you for finding it for us and for filling it with so much love.”

Dean squeezed his hand but kept his eyes forward as he pulled into the driveway. His cheeks pinkened as he said, “I always wanted to give you a home. Since the day Mom found you, and you looked so lost, I dreamt of giving you a home.”

“And you did. In more ways than one.” Cas leaned over and kissed Dean’s cheek. “Let’s go see our family.”

Before they even stepped out of the car, a mob of people stormed the car. They seemed to come from everywhere. Some funneled out of the house, others came from the direction of the backyard. When Cas finally stepped out of the car, he found himself with an armful. Beth was hugging his waist while Alex was trying to climb him. He lifted the boy up as he patted Beth’s head. “Hello Beth. Hello Alex.”

“You took forever,” Beth said exasperated.

“You can blame Dean for that. He refused to get out of bed.”

“Hey, how dare you throw me under the bus on our first full day as husbands.” Dean frowned at him, even as he lifted Katie into his arms. Garth’s three-year-old daughter was a bit obsessed with Dean. Garth, of course, found the entire thing amusing and loved to encourage it. His wife, Bess, was no better. Katie was chanting Dean’s name as she wrapped her tiny arms around his neck. “Katie, where are your parents?” She pointed toward the backyard. Dean swung her up and onto his shoulders before taking off in that direction.

Cas followed as did everyone else. Congratulations and a few slaps on the back accompanied his walk to the backyard. The party was in full swing. The pool was full of the older kids and Sam and his college buddies. There appeared to be a very intense game of badminton going on, as Rhonda and Benny were staring each other down through the net. Their partners, Inias and Zeke, had clearly given up on calming them down. Both were sipping their beers as they watched with amused grins. On the multi-tiered deck Dean had painstakingly built, Cas spotted Missouri. She was surrounded by Mary, Bobby, Ellen, Rufus, and a few of the teachers from the elementary school. It made Cas smile to see them all laughing and enjoying themselves. His eye trailed away from them, settling on the spread of food laid out on long tables near the small outdoor kitchen. Garth was manning the grill and seemed to be getting a whole lot of pointers from Donna and another woman Cas did not recognize. As he continued his perusal, he noted there were a few other guests he did not know.

At his side, it seemed Dean had noticed as well. He had stopped walking and had set Katie down on the ground. She made a beeline for her father. “Who is that with Donna?”

“I don’t know.”

Dean took his hand and said, “Well, we should go find out.” He led Cas over to the grill.

Donna gave her usual jovial welcome. A beaming smile and a massive hug. “Sorry Doug couldn’t be here, but someone had to be at the station,” she said as she stepped back. “I’m so glad to see ya.”

“Where are the kids?” asked Dean.

“In the pool. Krissy coaxed Jack in somehow. I swear he wouldn’t try anything if it wasn’t for his sister.”

Dean laughed, and Cas nodded as he said, “She is impressive.”

Donna tapped Cas on the arm and said, “Don’t I know it.” She looked at him and then to her side before saying, “I wanted to introduce you to a friend of mine.” She gestured at the short-haired woman standing at her right. “This here is Jody. She and I went to high school together back in Minnesota. She just moved here with her daughter Claire.”

Cas held out his hand and shook Jody’s hand. “Nice to meet you.”

“And you. Donna talks non-stop about her hero, Castiel. It’s nice to finally put a face to a name.”

Cas tried to ignore the heat in his cheeks as he asked, “And what brought you to our city?”

“It’s a bit of a long story, but the gist of it is, I needed a change. Donna gave me Benny’s number, and he put in a good word for me at the station. I start work next week.”

Dean interjected himself at that point. “So, which one’s Claire?”

“The blond in the shallow end of the pool with Jack and Krissy.” Cas and Dean both furrowed their brows as they looked at the teenager. “My late husband and I were Claire’s foster parents. We adopted her six years ago.”

“Sorry,” Cas said sheepishly.

“Yeah, uh sorry,” mumbled Dean.

“It’s all right. I get that look a lot. When your daughter is only twelve years younger than you, it’s expected.”

Cas smiled at Jody. “She is lucky to have you. Not all of us get adopted,” Cas said wistfully. The look of confusion on Jody’s face gave Cas pause. He turned to Donna. “You didn’t tell her?”

“Not my story to tell,” stated Donna.

After tipping his head in acknowledgement, he refocused his attention on Jody. “I was kicked out of my home at fifteen. They didn’t want a gay son contaminating their home, so I ended up in foster care. My foster mother Missouri,” he pointed at the table to their left, “adopted me on my sixteenth birthday, but most of the kids I met in the group home weren’t so lucky.”

“I met Missouri. She is a firecracker. Bet it’s interesting having her as a mother.”

“Try being her son-in-law and former neighbor,” Dean huffed.

“I heard that Dean Winchester,” Missouri yelled. “I’m not too old to put you in your place.”

“Yes, Ma’am,” said Dean as the others chuckled around him. “Why is it always me?” Dean looked at his husband imploringly.

Cas pulled him into his arms and kissed him lightly. “Because she loves you.”

Dean scoffed.

“Dean, you listen to that boy of mine,” Missouri said.

“Always,” said Dean sincerely. Missouri nodded, and she gave him a slight smile. Dean smiled back, tightening his hold on Cas.

Jody, Garth, and Donna were smiling at them with that look they seemed to elicit from people. The one which said they were sweet and too adorable for words. It never failed to make Dean blush which Cas loved. He ran his fingers along Dean’s cheek, causing the blush to intensify. Dean ducked his head but didn’t step back.

After a few seconds, Donna said, “Looks like they’re starting a new game over there.” She gestured at the net where a small crowd was gathered. Sam was holding the volleyball and pointing between the two sides of the net.

“That’s my cue,” said Dean. He smacked Cas’s ass as he took off for the makeshift court. “Wish me luck.”

Cas shook his head and said, “Try to keep the swearing to a minimum.”

“No promises,” yelled Dean over his shoulder. 

Sweaty and thirsty after demolishing Sam’s team, Dean grabbed a bottled water and downed it before jumping in the pool. The cannonball sent a wave of water over the side, soaking the people sitting along the side. Dean came up smiling and burst out laughing at the disgruntled looks. Benny who was already in the pool crashed into him and dunked him. “Hey,” Dean said as he came up sputtering.

“Wife’s orders,” Benny winked, pointing toward Rhonda.

“You deserved it. Don’t bother denying it,” Rhonda scolded, splashing in his direction.

A bustle of activity caught Dean’s eye as he went to splash Rhonda. Three people had stepped out onto the deck. The gasps, followed by dead silence, had drawn everyone’s attention by the time Dean practically leapt out of the pool. He crossed the yard in long, quick strides, anger coursing through his veins. Missouri beat him there. He took note that Mary was heading in the opposite direction but didn’t stop to ponder why. Missouri’s voice was hard and demanding. “How dare you come here?”

The three people all took a step back. A look of shock filled both Kevin and Charlie’s faces, but it was the look of guilt on the other person’s face which drew Dean’s ire, and he said, “It’s a bit late for guilt, Hannah.”

Cas’s sister stared back at Dean, expression unchanging. She looked as if she wanted to speak, but Kevin got there first. “You know Hannah?” he asked clearly confused.

Gripping Dean’s elbow, Missouri said in a slightly calmer tone, “So not only did you come where you aren’t wanted, you lied to them about who you are.”

Hannah’s shoulders drooped. “I didn’t lie.”

“Well you obviously didn’t tell them the truth or you wouldn’t be here. Charlie would never have let you near here,” snapped Dean.

Dawning realization crossed Charlie’s face, and she turned red with fury. “You’re that Hannah,” she seethed. “Dean, I didn’t know.” Her voice was quiet and filled with sadness.

“I know, Red.” He looked from her to a still perplexed Kevin. “She’s Cas’s sister.”

“Oh, shit,” said Kevin. “I don’t know all the details, but Sam told me the gist.” Kevin turned to face Hannah. “Why would you do this? They’re celebrating their wedding.”

Heaving a sigh, Hannah locked eyes with Dean. “I’ve wanted to contact Cas for years, but the timing was never right. When I met Kevin at Princeton, I had no idea he was friends with Sam. And then when I got the job at the university here, I had no idea we would meet again. The research I’m doing overlaps with Kevin and Charlie’s work, so we spend quite a bit of time together. I picked up bits and pieces and figured out they knew all of you.”

“We wanted to introduce her to Sam,” said Kevin sheepishly.

“You have got to be kidding me,” said Dean. “Even that didn’t get you to tell them the truth.”

Shame washed over Hannah. “I wanted to, but I knew they would rescind the offer. Dean, please. I just want a chance to make things right.” Dean’s mouth hung open, and he couldn’t answer.

“You had almost fourteen years to make things right with my boy,” said Missouri. “And today certainly isn’t the right day to try. This is their day. Celebrating a love your family finds deplorable.”

“Not all of us,” whispered Hannah.

“What was that?” asked Dean.

Hannah looked over Dean’s shoulder taking in the scope of the yard and the number of people in attendance. “It’s a long story, and I guess today isn’t the best day for you to hear it. I hope you will give me the chance. Charlie and Kevin both have my number if you and Castiel ever feel ready to hear it.” She turned and walked back into the house.

It was at that precise moment, Dean’s mind flashed to his husband. He flipped around and scanned the yard. Mary and Sam were hovering at the back edge of the yard. His mother waved him over. He jogged to meet them. “He’s-” started Mary.

Dean cut her off. “I know where he is, Mom.” Mary nodded, and Sam grabbed his shoulder. “We may be a while.”

“Don’t worry. We’ll take care of everything here,” said Sam.

Cas was sitting on the stone bench, staring at the rustling leaves above him, when he heard footsteps approaching. He knew Dean would find him. It was, after all, their secret spot, nestled off the path in the park behind their home. They had stumbled on it one day when a soaking wet Cas was chasing Dean. When he finally caught him, hugging Dean tight and rubbing his wet hair all over him, a glint of sunlight shone on the corner of the bench. Ever since it was their place of solitude. Cas lowered his head when he heard the footsteps stop.

“Is she gone?”

“Yeah.”

“Why was she at our home?”

Dean slid onto the bench next to him and took his hand. He caressed the back of Cas’s hand with his thumb. “She said she wants to make things right.”

Cas laughed, dark and foreboding. “And how does she propose to do that after all these years?”

“I don’t know. I was angry when I saw her. Even angrier when I learned she basically tricked Kevin and Charlie into bringing her, but…” Dean stopped and wrapped his free arm around Cas. “I think she really meant it, about trying to fix things. That doesn’t mean you own her the chance. I’ll support you either way.”

The breeze picked up, and Cas leaned into Dean’s touch. “Do you remember when we found this spot?”

“You were pissed I sprayed you with the hose.”

“And you ran away from me.”

Dean chuckled, “And you followed.”

“I did indeed. As I always will,” Cas said as he smiled at Dean. His husband grinned back and then leaned in and kissed him. It was a gentle press of lips until Cas opened to him. Dean groaned as their tongues collided. Cas reveled in the touch, letting go of his negative thoughts. When he pulled back slightly, he rested their foreheads together. “She was only a teenager when it happened,” pondered Cas. “I doubt she had little choice in the matter.”

“She was the one who came to the door and told us what happened,” added Dean.

“It’s been a long time. I have a family. I have you. I don’t need anyone else.”

Dean cupped Cas’s face. “I don’t think it’s about need. What do you want?”

Unable to answer, Cas shifted forward, closing the small distance between them. He kissed Dean, wanting to convey his need for his husband. Hoping Dean would understand. As had become the norm between them, Dean read Castiel’s nonverbal cue. With great tenderness, Dean deepened the kiss, rubbing gently along his jawline. One of Dean’s hands slipped around his neck and tangled in his hair. They both melted, bodies folding into each other. When Dean slowly withdrew from the kiss, he whispered against Cas’s lips. “You have time. Today is about us and our family.”

Cas opened his eyes, leaning back to see his husband’s verdant eyes. The love and compassion in them made his breath hitch. Dean swallowed in response. Their lips met again, but this time it was Cas who separated them. “We should get back. I’m sure our mothers are worried.”

“No doubt about that,” Dean said as he stood up, pulling Cas up with him. He did not release Cas’s hand as they walked back to their home. Mary and Missouri were waiting at the edge of the yard. Cas didn’t want to discuss his sister’s unexpected, and if he was being honest with himself, unwelcome visit. Dean squeezed his hand before letting it go. He let Dean take the lead, let his husband explain the situation to their mothers. Only after they nodded did he join them. He received hugs from each of them but neither pushed for more. It took a bit of time for him to settle back into the swing of the party, but Rhonda and her kids, much like Dean, always found a way to make Uncle Cas shed his stoic nature for one of joviality.

Later that night as he lay in bed next to Dean, sweaty and spent, he marveled at the life they had created. He began to wonder what it would be like to have Hannah see his life up close and personal. He wasn’t sure if he was ready for all it implied, but it was something to put on the shelf for a later date, especially since he was leaving for a two-week honeymoon to Italy of all places. Dean had finally relented the day before the wedding and told him of their destination. He wasn’t exactly shocked by it, but with his husband’s fear of flying, he was pleasantly surprised. His mind drifted to their conversation.

_“I got on a plane so I could take you away to propose. Why would I do less for our honeymoon?”_

_“Thank you,” said Cas after kissing Dean senseless._

_“That’s it no argument, no discussion, just thanks?”_

_“That’s it. I’ve always wanted to go there, and I know after all the times I’ve talked about it you were at least intrigued.” Cas walked over to the closet and pulled out their suitcases, but that was as far as he got. Dean engulfed him in his arms, kissing the back of his neck. His hands drifted down Cas’s stomach, resting just above his jeans. With a flick, the button was open and his zipper was lowered. Cas leaned back, brushing his ass against Dean, making him gasp. “What do you have in mind?” he said, voice low and feral._

_“I want you to fuck me,” breathed Dean raggedly._

_“That I can do. Any particular reason why?”_

_Dean shook his head, his lips brushing the nape of Cas’s neck. “I just love you.”_

_“So, it wasn’t because you were picturing us in Italy, and I was speaking Italian.” Cas chuckled as Dean shuddered. “Would you like me to do that while I fuck you?”_

_“Fuck yes,” gushed Dean. _

Thinking of the events of that morning, Cas found himself getting aroused. He pulled himself from the memory, knowing Dean was too exhausted for another round. Instead, he kissed Dean’s forehead and snuggled him closer. He looked at the clock, realizing they would be leaving for the airport in a few hours. He closed his eyes and let his mind drift to Italy.

Dean staggered off the plane, glad to finally be on the ground. Cas took care of their carry-on luggage, knowing Dean was still unsteady. After they collected their luggage from the baggage claim, Cas led Dean to the taxi line. The day was already hot as they slid into the taxi. Their driver talked as they drove from the airport into the heart of Rome. Dean smiled as Cas spoke Italian at times. He wasn’t fluent in the language yet. He began studying it after high school, having already mastered Spanish and dabbling in French. There were all these hidden gems to his husband, a passionate layer which went beyond his role as a firefighter. It was there in his desire to always keep learning. It was why even though he got his degree in fire science, he had gotten another major in history. It was why once he learned one language, he began studying another. It was why he volunteered. It was also why he took time to explore Dean and all his wants and needs.

Dean's thoughts carried him through the remainder of the drive and through check-in. Standing in their hotel room, Dean watched Cas arrange their bags and lay out their toiletries in the bathroom. When Cas stepped back into the main room, Dean said, “I thought about taking you back to Mexico. To the place where I proposed. I figured we wouldn’t be leaving our room much so why bother going somewhere new.” Cas just stared at Dean, clearly waiting for the point of Dean’s statement. Shifting nervously, Dean said, “But then I thought about you and about all the places you want to see in this world. I thought about how much I want to be there with you when you discover these places you’ve studied. Don’t get me wrong, I want sex and lots of it.” That brought the patented knowing smirk to Castiel’s face. “Yeah, yeah. You’re a sexy motherfucker. Now let me finish.” The smirk dropped away replaced by a soft curl of his lips. “I realized I wanted this trip to be about more than our sex life. I know you have had reservations about how we started out, but I never once regretted our first times together.”

“We should have talked before…”

“Cas, please. I need you to hear me this time. I never regretted how it started. Sure, maybe we should have talked, but we didn’t really need to. We knew each other more intimately than most partners do. I knew what I wanted that first night, and you saw it in me. I know you did, or you would never have let it happen the way it did. I wanted to be on my knees for you. I wanted you to take charge of me. I wanted all that entailed and you knew it.”

“Yes, but…”

“No, buts. I opened myself to you that night and have remained open ever since. So, when I thought about our honeymoon my first thought was sex, not surprising when it comes to us, but I want more than that. I don’t need the panties or the toys. I just want this to be about…” Dean trailed off, unsure how to voice this most crucial part.

Cas stepped over to Dean and held his hands. “Us.” Dean wasn’t sure why one word said it all but it did. And he knew his husband understood his fumbling message.

“Just us.” Dean sighed and let Cas take him in his arms.

“I did see your need that first night and the next day. I saw what you wanted, Dean. That was never the issue, and we corrected the issue by having the conversation, so where is this coming from?”

Using their clasped hands, Dean pulled Cas over to the window. He shifted until Cas was standing in front of him facing the window. He wrapped his arms around Cas’s waist and rested his chin on his shoulder. “I’ve been thinking about the way we are and what you said at the reception about showing me your love. You do that, Cas, every day - in all the little things you do for me and with your words and your touch. I want to be able to do the same for you. Here in this place I want to show you I listen and that my love for you goes way beyond our creative sex life.”

“Dean, I know that. I’ve never once questioned it. We’ve loved each other since we were kids. Sex is a bonus. A beautiful, wonderful bonus, but it wasn’t necessary for me to love you or for you to love me.” Cas turned around and faced Dean, sliding his arms around Dean’s neck. “But I must admit a naked Dean Winchester in my bed certainly makes me want to express my love in a myriad of ways.”

The depth of Cas’s voice and the naked desire in his eyes always triggered Dean’s arousal, and this moment was no exception. “Dammit Cas, I was trying to be all romantic and shit without the whole sex thing. But now look what you did?” Dean looked down at the slight bulge in his pants. Cas rocked his hips forward, and Dean felt Cas’s erection. “Oh, well in that case…” Dean said as he gave in and rutted against Cas. The kiss he received in response was deep and intense. So much so that Dean didn’t notice he was being moved to the bed. Only when his knees hit the mattress did he realize what Cas had done. Without a word, Dean slid back onto the bed.

Cas watched his movements. As Dean settled, Cas said, “No toys, no panties. Just your naked body melded with mine.” Dean closed his eyes, soaking in Cas’s words. He kept them closed as Cas undressed him. He loved feeling his husband’s touch, loved the sensation of being watched. He snapped his eyes open as any and all traces of touch vanished. It was his turn to watch. Cas undressed slowly, savoring the look in Dean’s eyes. Gloriously naked and hard, Cas climbed onto the bed. Dean spread his legs signaling what he desired. There was no rush, no push to orgasm. There was just a slow progression toward Cas’s wish. Dean arched into his husband when they finally melded together. Bodies entangled and intimately connected. Their pleasure was so wrapped up in the other they forgot to chase their own release. With no end in sight, Dean’s body seemed to spread wider, allowing Cas to reach the deepest parts of him. Over and over Cas thrust into Dean, breaking the last vestige of any barrier between them. Dean sobbed as his cock ached with need and his body trembled with want. His orgasm built and built, and when he tipped over the edge it came in wave after wave. As he felt Cas’s release deep inside, his body gave one last valiant effort to meet his husband’s pleasure before the world whited out.

The gentle touch of a hand through his hair drew Dean back to this world. He opened his eyes to the mesmerizing sight of Cas’s blue eyes. “Cas,” he rasped.

“Glad to see you back.”

Clearing his throat, Dean asked, “How long was I out?”

Instead of answering, Cas leaned down, capturing his lips in a light kiss. Contentment washed over Dean, and he burrowed down into the bed. “None of that,” scolded Cas. “If we don’t get up our internal clocks will be skewed the entire time we’re here.” Dean groaned, even though he knew Cas was correct. Cas chuckled at him, clearly amused by his disgruntled demeanor.

“It’s your fault I don’t want to move. I’m not even sure my legs work anymore.” Cas slid down Dean’s body and started to massage Dean’s legs. “Mmm…that feels so good. Don’t stop.” The massage was short but effective. Dean sat up as Cas placed a kiss to the inside of each thigh. “Better not do that.”

“Wise words. Let’s go shower,” Cas said as he smiled languidly at Dean.

By the time they emerged from their hotel, it was late afternoon, and they were both hungry, their last meal having been breakfast on the airplane, hours earlier. “We should not have skipped lunch,” said Cas. “It was a bad idea to have an early morning check-in at the hotel.”

Dean bumped his shoulder into Cas as he reached for his hand. “No, it wasn’t. It was perfect.”

“Yes, well. You have Zar to thank for it.” Cas watched for Dean’s reaction and was rewarded with the pinched, sour expression he expected. “With his many travels, he swears by a hot shower and a traditional morning routine after a long plane trip.” Dean’s expression loosened slightly, but he still had the appearance of sucking on a lemon. Cas wanted to poke and prod at the reason but bit back his question.

“The shower was nice,” said Dean with a wink. “But I think we screwed up the whole morning routine as we didn’t shower until well after noon. Although I thoroughly enjoyed every moment of our morning and afternoon.”

Cas hmm’d as he squeezed Dean’s hand. He looked down at their entwined fingers and then around at their surroundings. There was a confidence and comfort in being able to touch so openly. It was a far cry from some of the places they traveled in the states. Places where they still had to be wary of open affection. Italy, however, was what some called a gay-friendly country, having legalized homosexuality in the late 1800s. Cas knew homophobia was still an issue, but the vast majority of Italians supported LGBTQ rights. A smile formed at the corners of his mouth before he swung their joined hands, bringing them to his mouth, kissing Dean’s knuckles.

“What was that for?”

“Just happy to be here…” He gestured at the area around them. “With you.”

Dean smiled at his husband and then said, “It is nice.” He tugged on Cas’s hand to get them walking again. “Now where is this restaurant you wanted to go to?”

“It’s just around the corner, but it’s a bit early for dinner. Should we walk around a bit?”

Before Dean could answer, the narrow road they were walking on opened up into a wide space on their left. As their eyes shifted, they both gasped. “Wow. Wasn’t expecting that!” Dean said as he stared at the Trevi Fountain. “I kinda forget how close our hotel is to all these places.”

Instead of joining the mob of people, they skirted the edge of the area and then continued their leisurely stroll. They planned to return at night to see the fountain lit up in the darkness. As they walked, they pointed out places they would like to visit when they had more time and energy. Dean seemed content to point out every gelato shop. When Cas teased him, Dean said something about suing him for being hungry and hot. This made Cas’s smile turn into laughter, and Dean shoved him lightly in response. Eventually, they wound their way back toward their hotel and the restaurant. It was still early by Italy’s standards, but neither could wait any longer to eat.

Once they were seated and had placed their order, Dean asked, “How did you hear about this place again? I mean I only told you we were coming here a few days ago.”

“I told you I FaceTimed with Zar. He felt bad for not being able to attend the wedding. After I told him about our trip and our hotel, he suggested this place. It’s one of his favorites.” Dean’s face once again took on that sour expression. “Why do you have such an issue with Zar?”

Dean frowned and practically growled, “He was your first kiss.”

“Dean, I was fourteen. And as I recall you had already kissed, well actually I have no idea how many girls by that point. But I am sure it was a larger number than the number of guys I have kissed in my entire twenty-eight years.”

Dean squirmed in his seat as he often did when his past sexual history was mentioned. Cas knew Dean wasn’t embarrassed by it, but it always made him think of the time they wasted while he went through years of hook-ups. The movements finally settled and Dean said, “And I remember every one of those guys’ names and how long you dated them and how it made me feel.”

“Dean, you weren’t interested in me when I was with Zar. You didn’t start thinking of me that way until years later.”

Shaking his head and frowning, Dean whispered, “But he was your first kiss.” His voice grew louder when he added, “And he never lets me forget it.”

“Well, he is Zar,” Cas said, knowing it explained it all. Zar had come into Cas’s life when he was just starting to question his sexuality. He had only been at their school for a few months when Cas met him in French club. He was drawn to Zar, intrigued by his accent and their one-year age difference. It amazed Cas when Zar showed an interest in him. They only dated for a couple of weeks, but Cas would forever be grateful to Zar for helping him accept he was gay. He was even the one who told Cas to tell Dean about it. Cas knew from the beginning Zar’s time in Kansas was short-lived as his father was on a fellowship at the university. They had lost touch with each other after Zar moved back to London but found each other again in college. Cas was shocked when Zar ended up being a TA in one of his history classes. They struck up a friendship again which seemed to irk Dean from the very start. And Dean was right, Zar always liked to antagonize him. Before Dean and Cas got together, he would drop hints about them. After they got together, Zar loved to push Dean’s buttons. “You shouldn’t let him get to you.”

“I know, but…” Dean trailed off, frustrated as usual when it came to Zar.

“There is no reason to be jealous of Zar or any other guy I dated, Dean. You were always the only one for me. At least I don’t spend a lot of time with the people I dated like you do.”

“Aww. Come on Cas. That’s not fair. Rhonda and I didn’t really date, and with Jo it was one kiss, and they’re like family.”

Cas rolled his eyes at Dean. His ridiculous double standard on their dating history will forever make Cas marvel. Dean laid out the reason from their first night together and has never wavered. It isn’t a double standard in Dean’s mind because he never wanted a partner until Cas, while Cas had been searching for one the entire time. “I know, Dean,” he said placating his husband. “I’m not jealous of them.” Their food arrived just as Cas finished his sentence. He kept quiet except to thank their waitress until she walked away. “And you shouldn’t be jealous of Zar.”

“Yeah, well, I’m not as a big a man as you Cas. I will probably always be jealous of those who got to touch you.” Dean picked up his fork and started digging into his pasta. He moaned and Cas couldn’t help but rub his foot against Dean’s calf. A blush darkened Dean’s cheeks as he raised his eyes to Cas.

“It is only you I want touching me, Dean.”

“Fuck,” mumbled Dean and then added, “We need to change the subject.”

Cas smirked but obliged. “We have an early morning tour at the Vatican tomorrow. I have no idea how Zar booked it so late, but he assured me unless we wanted the least holy experience of our lives, we should do a tour.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“I don’t know exactly. He just kept muttering about being herded like cattle, being shuttled in and out of the Sistine Chapel, and how unholy the whole thing was,” answered Cas. “So, he gifted us a tour.”

“Great, now I owe him,” complained Dean.

Cas patted his hand in mock sympathy and then said, “Finish your dinner.”

“Yes, dear,” said Dean cheekily.

After dinner, Dean insisted they stop for gelato on their way back to the hotel. And after they finished, he decreed it was a requirement every day in Italy. He was determined to try as many flavors as he could and even went so far as to say it rivaled pie. Cas stopped in his tracks, stunned by his husband’s words. Dean burst out laughing, surprising the people meandering along the same path. They let the crowd sweep them up, only separating as they emerged on the larger street. It was still early, but without discussion, they had both turned toward their hotel. Cas slid his arm around Dean’s waist, pulling him tight. “Glad to see we are on the same page.”

“I would like to pick up where we left off at dinner.” Cas lowered his voice, pressing his lips to Dean’s ear. “I would like to show you why you never need to be jealous. Why it is only your body, your hands, your mouth I want touching me. Why I am the only man to touch you.” There was a hitch in Dean’s step, but Cas held him close and carried him along with him. Cas thought at first Dean’s reaction was due to the nature of their discussion, but it became clear there was more to it than that as the man at his side exuded tension. They were inside the elevator by the time Cas decided enough was enough. “What is it, Dean?” His husband refused to look at him and shook his head. “Just tell me, my love.”

The elevator door opened. They exited and walked stiffly to their room. As the door shut behind Cas, Dean finally relented. “You aren’t the only guy.”

That was the last thing Cas expected. He felt as if the wind had been knocked out of him at Dean’s admission. Dean was still not looking at him, and he seemed poised to bolt. Cas took a deep breath in an attempt to calm himself. When he felt he could contain his emotions, he stepped into Dean’s personal space and lifted his husband’s chin until their eyes met. There was both fear and sadness in his usually bright green eyes. “You slept with another man.”

“Fuck, Cas. No, not that,” said Dean emphatically. Cas’s shoulders loosened slightly. “Never that.” Dean shook his shoulders and clenched his fists. “Okay, so it was at a party years ago. We were playing Truth or Dare, and I got dared to kiss Michael,” Dean said as he averted his gaze. “It was just a quick kiss,” he added rapidly.

Cas took a step back, letting go of Dean’s chin. “Michael. The guy who stood me up to give him and his buddies a good laugh. That Michael.”

“I know this sounds bad, but it was a drunken game, Cas. It didn’t mean anything.”

“Did you like it?” asked Cas with a scowl on his face.

Staggering, Dean ended up stepping further away from Cas. “It wasn’t like that, Cas. I had no interest in Michael.”

Cas closed the distance between them, walking them both toward the bed. As Dean’s knees hit the mattress, he said, “Then why did you never tell me?”

“That’s a complicated answer.”

“Simplify it for me.”

Dean sat down on the bed with a heavy sigh. “This is only going to piss you off, but all right. I didn’t want you to think I was suddenly interested in guys. And after I found out what he did to you, I didn’t want to hurt you more than the douchebag already did.”

It was quiet for a moment until the rasp of clothing broke the silence. Cas slid between Dean’s knees, spreading them with the press of his legs. Dean watched enraptured, eyes wide, mouth open. Cas gripped the back of Dean’s neck with one hand while the other cupped his cheek. “I would never give Michael the power to hurt me, Dean. You, and only you, possess that power. So, tell me, Dean, why did you tell me this on our honeymoon?”

Cas could see Dean’s desire to hide from him, but he would not allow it, holding his husband firmly in his hands. Dean exhaled sharply but kept his eyes fixed on Cas. “I had forgotten all about it until you said you were the only one to touch me. I certainly didn’t want to tell you, but as you well know I can’t hide shit from you so…yeah, that’s it.”

There was a plea in Dean’s eyes, but also a hint of arousal. Cas leaned closer and said, “What do you think I should do, Dean?”

“I think you should show me why you are my husband and the only man I ever want to touch me. Why you are the only man who will ever fuck me.” Cas barely let him finish before he surged forward, kissing Dean harshly. Without hesitation, Dean opened to him. Letting Cas take what he needed while giving Dean exactly what he wanted. The force pushed Dean back onto the bed. With wicked quickness and strength, Cas maneuvered Dean until he was resting on the pillows, Cas flush against him. Whipping his head back, Cas looked down at Dean, eyes fierce and possessing. “I am yours, Cas,” Dean whispered, panting and so damn hard his cock throbbed painfully.

Cas rolled his hips and Dean hissed. It all happened in a blur after that as Cas took charge. Dean could barely keep up, his hands often lying useless at his sides. Those moments always spurred Cas on, heightening his arousal. With Dean so lost in pleasure, his eyes unfocused and his body completely pliant, Cas found himself unable to resist. He slid home in one long stroke and fucked his husband until they were both spent, wet with sweat and covered in Dean’s release. They lay next to each other, the only sound the pounding of their hearts and their heavy breathing. Eventually, Cas curled up to Dean pulling his husband in his arms. “You are the love of my life, Dean. The only man I ever want in my bed. I don’t care what came before. None of it changes what we have now.”

Face buried in Cas’s neck, Dean kissed him gently. “I never felt like this before.”

“What do you mean?” asked Cas as he rubbed Dean’s back.

“I never let myself have this. When I’m in your arms, I feel safe and secure to be myself.” Dean tipped his head up to look into Cas’s soulful blue eyes. Cas captured his lips in a tender kiss.

Pulling Dean on top of him as he rolled onto his back, Cas said, “And I have never felt more at home then when we are wrapped around each other.” They stayed in that position until the mess between them became uncomfortable. Dean pulled Cas up and off the bed. Their shower was long and filled with sensual touches. They fell into bed, and this time Dean wrapped Cas up in his arms.

Over the next two weeks, they split their time between being typical tourists and newlyweds, lost in each other. Rome was everything Cas had imagined, and he enjoyed every minute of their time, despite the unrelenting heat. The tour of the Vatican turned out to be wonderful. Dean had to admit Zar was right about the tour when they saw the large crowds upon leaving. Zar’s other suggestions about places to see and restaurants, much to Dean’s frustration, were also beneficial. Long dinners, a day trip to the Mediterranean, and late-night walks rounded out their time in Rome.

Venice held its own charm. It began with their private taxi ride to their hotel. The place was tucked in a quiet, narrow pathway and was a secondary location from the main hotel. It offered great privacy with a private entrance and a large suite of rooms, which Dean used to its fullest. He was never a silent man during sex, but he let himself go completely. Cas loved every sound his husband made. The moans, the pleas, the encouragement, the screams. It took greater effort than it had in Rome to get Dean to venture out of their room. Dean would have been content to stay in bed all six days. He tried to tempt Cas with a promise to stay naked the entire time. Eventually, Cas coaxed Dean out of the room with a mind-melting, Dean’s word choice, blow job. Cas chuckled as Dean complained about Cas manipulating him when his brain was basically nonfunctional. Dressed and with a pout on his face, Dean stepped out of the door. He let Cas lead him around Venice taking in the major sites and some of the lesser-known areas. By the end of their time in the floating city, they visited the Doge’s Palace, St. Mark's, the Jewish ghetto, took a gondola ride, visited the glass-blowing island of Murano, and traversed much of the city, ducking into small churches and café’s along the way. Much to Dean’s delight, he did manage to convince Cas to stay in their room and naked for a significant period of time each day. Not as if it took much convincing. A quick glance, a flash of skin, a slight smile, or a whispered word were all sufficient.

On their last day, as Dean lay naked and sated, Cas ran his hand down his husband’s sweaty back. “You know you don’t have to look so smug.”

“Who me?” Dean feigned, a hand to his chest in protest.

“Yes, you. I don’t recall ever turning you down, my love. I’m not sure why you think you have won some great victory.”

Dean leaned forward and kissed Cas, slow and deep. When he pulled back, he said, “Any time I get to feel you inside of me is a victory. You should know that by now. I don’t exactly hide my reactions.”

“Hmm…that’s true,” Cas said, a touch sternly before adding with a smile, “Not that I ever want you to temper your enthusiasm.”

Blushing, Dean whispered, “I aim to please.”

“That you do.” Cas kissed Dean’s forehead. “Now, I have given you what you wanted, it’s your turn to give me what I want.”

“Cas,” whined Dean. “I’m tired and sweaty.”

“We are going out to dinner. You can either stay here and rest, and go to dinner smelling like sex, or you can join me in the shower.” Cas stood up and sauntered to the bathroom. Turning to face Dean, he ran his hand down his chest, stopping just above his spent cock. A wicked grin crossed his face as Dean rushed to join him.

“Now who looks smug?” posed Dean.

“I thought you said it was a good look on me.”

“Cocky asshole,” Dean said as he smacked Cas’s ass, stepping around him and into the bathroom. Cas walked up behind Dean as he turned on the shower. He fit his body snugly against his husband, making him shudder. “God you are a sexy fucker, but if you think I can get it up after what we just did, you are delusional.”

Rocking his hips forward, Cas slid his hand around and cupped Dean’s balls. “Challenge accepted.”

It was another hour before they stumbled out of their hotel and to dinner. And Dean, of course, had to eat his words as Cas claimed his own victory for the night.


	8. Chapter 8

Dean spotted Sam as he headed down the escalator. His brother was not alone which surprised Dean. He heard a sharp intake of breath at his side and realized Cas was equally surprised. It took Dean all of two seconds to recognize the woman standing next to Sam, but it was Cas who said her name aloud. “Sarah.”

“Ya,” said Dean. “I knew it. He tried to bullshit me and say he didn’t like her.”

“Dean,” warned Cas. “Be nice.”

“I’m always nice.” The cheeky grin and wink Dean gave Cas showed how little he believed his own words.

Cas gripped Dean’s elbow, slowing them down. “Just try not to embarrass him.”

“I’ll be on my best behavior.” Cas quirked an eyebrow in disbelief. “No, really. I actually like Sarah. If it keeps that other chick away, I’m all for this.” He gestured in Sam and Sarah’s direction, neither of which had spotted them yet.

Shaking his head, Cas said, “Ruby wasn’t that bad, but I do like Sarah.”

“You should. How many times has she been part of the team to take care of you?”

“It seems to me she did as much to take care of you as she did me.” Cas smiled at Dean, squeezing his elbow before sliding down and taking his hand.

Dean knew the gesture was because his body had tensed. Thinking of the times Cas ended up in the hospital always brought back the fear and panic Dean felt until he saw Cas with his own eyes. The first time he met Sarah, Cas had been pulled out of a fire on a stretcher. It was a few years after he had rescued Donna. The moment was similar, but on this occasion Cas was the unconscious one. He remembered Benny and Sam trying to stop him and Garth trying to reassure him, but he was determined to get to his boyfriend. Then, there was the mad rush to the hospital and the kind nurses, Sarah and Jenny, who helped him find Cas. He hadn’t known Sarah was a nurse at first since she was manning the desk when he rushed into the hospital demanding to see Cas. It was a few hours later when she came to check Cas’s vitals when he officially met her. Unfortunately, it would not be the last time they met under those circumstances.

For some reason, their family and friends were prone to end up in the hospital. Sarah and Jenny became like their own personal nursing staff. Dean saw a shift happen the last time one of them was in the hospital. Dean had injured himself when they were playing football. It was not supposed to be tackle football, but his moose of a brother seemed to forget that fact when he was defending Dean, often leaving him with minor injuries and major bruises. The broken collarbone was the worst of the injuries and landed him in the hospital six months ago. Sam had acted all flustered whenever Sarah came into the room, and he even blushed a few times. Cas somehow reined in Dean’s teasing, but he did manage to get in a few shots when Cas wasn’t in the room. Seeing Sam’s cheeks flaming red helped ease some of Dean’s pain. And Sammy kind of deserved it for slamming his huge body into Dean. The memory brought a smile to his lips, and when he looked at Cas, he saw a similar expression. They were both clearly lost in the same thoughts. Dean grinned wider and tugged Cas’s hand. “Let’s go see Sammy and his girlfriend.”

“Don’t you dare call her that in front of them.”

“You never let me have any fun,” whined Dean, but kept the smile firmly in place.

Cas didn’t respond. Instead, he chose to call out to Sam and Sarah. They both turned, smiling when their gazes landed on Cas and Dean. “Welcome home,” said Sam as he took three long strides, engulfing Dean in a bear hug. He let him go and immediately pulled Cas into a similar hug.

“Good to see you, Sam,” said Cas kindly. “You too Sarah.”

Sarah stood at Sam’s side. “Hello, Cas. How was your honeymoon?”

“It was-”

Dean cut Cas off. “Hot and awesome and did I mention hot.” He winked suggestively.

Sam rolled his eyes. “You get used to it,” he said as he looked at Sarah apologetically.

“You forget I get to see the two of them when one is confined to a bed. Do you actually think the hospital staff hasn’t witnessed their behavior?”

Shrugging his shoulders, Sam said, “Not really. More like I hoped they could control themselves."

“You should know better by now, Sammy,” smirked Dean as they made for the exit. He stopped just outside the door. “There isn’t some big party waiting for us at the house. Is there?”

The expression on Sam’s face morphed into a wicked grin, but before he could answer Sarah said, “Just your mothers are there.” Sam frowned at her. “What?” she asked when she looked up at Sam. The slump of his shoulders must have given him away because Sarah slid her arm around his waist and said, “Sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll torture him in some other way.” The smile he gave Sarah lingered for a few seconds.

Watching them, Dean itched to ask the question, but the firm grip on his arm stopped him. As they resumed walking, he let a bit of distance open up, so he could whisper to Cas. “Come on. You have to let me ask. You saw how they were staring and touching.”

“Yes, I did, but you need to let Sam tell you in his own time. Do I need to try and teach you patience again?” Cas’s expression did not change, but his voice took on a scholarly, authoritarian quality.

Dean felt a touch of fire run straight to his cock, and he couldn’t stop his moan from escaping. “Fuck, Cas. There are people all around us. I don’t need them seeing my boner.”

“I love that even now that’s all it takes,” Cas said with a smug grin.

“Yeah, yeah. Rub it in.”

Cas’s reply was fast and pointed and did nothing to calm Dean’s arousal. “I plan to.” It did, however, make him forget his earlier train of thought. The nature of Sam and Sarah’s relationship disappeared behind a haze of images, naked, sweaty images of the man standing at his side. Without hesitation, Dean nodded at Cas. It was all it took to signal his assent. Cas leaned over whispering directly in Dean’s ear. “My plans don’t end there.” Dean shivered from both the words and the breath ghosting over his sensitive skin. Cas’s barely-there touch was gone in an instant. “But first we must get home, so get a move on,” he said, patting Dean’s ass for emphasis.

They caught up to Sam and Sarah and began regaling them with details from their trip. It made the ride home pass quickly, and before they knew it, they were being bombarded by their mothers. Dean chuckled as Missouri fussed over Cas until Mary started doing the same to him. “Okay, okay. At least let us go in the house,” said Dean as he stepped out of Mary’s embrace.

The next hour was filled with conversation and food. Dean enjoyed it, but his mind kept wandering to what Cas had planned. Finally, Sam had enough. “What did you do to him?” he asked as he stared at Cas.

“What do you mean?” asked Cas with feigned ignorance.

Sam rolled his eyes and shook his head while Missouri patted his shoulder. “I’m sorry for my son’s impudence, Sam. He seems incapable of decorum when it comes to your brother. Perhaps we should leave them to it.” Missouri turned from him and looked at the newlyweds. “We will see you at Millie’s tomorrow. Rhonda wants everyone there at one.” She left no room for a question as she stood up and immediately made to leave. Mary and the others followed. Missouri and Mary waved as they pulled out of the driveway. Dean’s gaze drifted to the other car. He watched as Sam held the door for Sarah. _Something was definitely up with those two_, he thought. After waving one final time, he stepped back into the house with Cas close behind him.

He didn’t get far as Cas slammed him up against the now shut front door. “I would like you to take off your clothes and then go to our bedroom. I will join you in a minute.”

Dean knew the lesson for the night was patience, so he tried to methodically take off his clothes, but he cracked before he got to his belt. His hands sped up along with his breathing. Having Cas watching him intently always made his pulse quicken. Suddenly, he couldn’t get naked fast enough. He ripped off his pants and underwear and practically ran to the stairs. The sound of a throat clearing made him pause. He looked over his shoulder to see a clearly amused Castiel. “Take the stairs slowly,” said Cas, gruffly. “I want to ogle your perfect ass.”

Dean slowed his movements and calmed his breathing. He took measured steps, swaying his hips as he ascended the stairs. At the top, he turned around, hand stroking his semi-hard cock.

“I don’t believe I told you to touch yourself.”

Defiantly Dean stroked himself one more time before dropping his hand away. “You didn’t say I couldn’t,” he said, trying to sound cocky, but it came out more like a plea.

“Get in the bedroom, Dean.”

Nodding, Dean raced off down the hall. When he reached their bedroom, he planted his feet at the end of the bed and waited. Fortunately, this time Cas did not keep him waiting long. Barely a minute later, his husband joined him, gloriously naked with his hand on his cock. Cas stepped right in front of Dean, gently nudging him. Dropping to the bed, Dean kept his eyes glued to Cas. This was the firefighter, the commander, the man who always found a way to bring Dean to his knees both literally and figuratively. A small gesture was all it took and Dean opened his mouth. He was bombarded by the heady scent of his husband. His own cock hardened from both the touch and the taste. He groaned as Cas slid his cock forward, deeper into his mouth. His hips stilled as he stared down at Dean. With a nod, Dean began to move. He licked and sucked and eventually took Cas into his throat swallowing around the head of his cock. The groan of pleasure he received had him reaching for his own leaking cock. “Not yet,” snapped Cas.

He pulled his cock out of Dean’s mouth, trailing a finger along his lips. “Go lay down.” Dean didn’t move. “Dean?”

“Cas, I…please?” His words made no sense even to himself, but somehow Cas understood. He leaned down and kissed Dean, and then shifted him back onto the bed. He laid Dean out on the bed, spreading his legs and placing his hands above his head.

“Stay,” intoned Cas, eyes serious, yet filled with love. The look kept Dean motionless, even when Cas returned with the bindings. He ran the material through his long fingers, and Dean’s cock throbbed in response. “You are so beautiful, my love. Let me show you how good patience can be.” It was Cas’s way of asking for permission, and Dean had yet to say no to the blue-eyed firefighter who had, for some inexplicable, but oh so grateful, reason, become his husband.

Cas took his time. Each step was given its own significance. Each touch and kiss provided its own weight. Cas lavished attention on Dean’s body until he was a quivering mess. Dean shook with need and stared with unabashed desire. Begging for release with every fiber of his being, as words were long lost. It was when Cas slipped off the bed that Dean knew the time had come. His husband, equally lost and aroused, rushed to untie him. Dean knew his husband wanted to be touched, but he also knew Cas unbound him because it was what Dean needed. He needed to touch Cas. To be able to hold onto him when Cas took him. As soon as Cas was back on the bed, Dean grabbed his husband’s hips, lifting his own in invitation. The tenderness and patience of before was gone. Cas fucked into Dean hard and fast. They both gasped and then fell into a punishing rhythm. Dean was almost sobbing by the time Cas said, “Come for me.”

Dean came back to himself when the drag of Cas’s cock against his oversensitive rim made him whimper. “Shh…” whispered Cas as he pulled Dean into his arms. When Dean’s breathing evened out, Cas slipped out of bed, returning with a damp cloth. He gingerly cleaned Dean before laving his tongue over Dean’s entrance, soothing him.

“I love you,” mumbled Dean, trying to grab Cas. He failed when his body refused to cooperate.

Cas laughed quietly, even as he complied with Dean’s feeble attempts. He crawled over Dean, allowing him to grab him and hold him. “I love you, too. Is there anything else you need?”

“Just this,” said Dean as he kissed Cas sleepily.

The slight dip of the bed woke Dean, and he half-heartedly opened his eyes. Cas was seated next to him, dressed in boxers and holding a cup of coffee. Dean groaned and tried to roll over but was stopped by Cas’s grip on his shoulder. The touch grew gentle and as Dean closed his eyes, Cas ran it up along his neck and into his hair. Dean sighed as Cas carded his fingers through the short strands. “Come back to bed,” he managed to mumble.

The touch of Cas’s lips on his forehead made Dean open his eyes to look up at his husband. “Everyone is expecting us,” said Cas as he sat back up.

“Not until one,” grumbled Dean.

Cas chuckled. “I am aware, but since it is already after twelve, I figured it was time to wake you. That is if you want to shower before we leave.”

Dean huffed as he lifted his head from the pillow. Cas shifted so Dean could swing his legs off the bed. They sat next to each other sharing the cup of coffee. When it was gone, Dean stood up, holding out his hand to Cas. They showered together, washing away any remnants of the previous night. It took longer than anticipated and when they were done, they found themselves rushing to dress.

They arrived about fifteen minutes late, to the surprise of no one. Hoots and hollers greeted their entrance. The place was packed with their family and friends. Food was already being served, and Dean’s stomach grumbled. “What?” he asked Cas when he saw his amused expression. “We haven’t eaten since dinner yesterday, and we were pretty active last night.”

Cas smiled contentedly at Dean. “Go sit down. I’ll get you something to eat.”

Dean gave him a quick peck on the lips before taking his advice. He sat down at a table with Inias and Zeke. They immediately started asking questions about their trip, and Dean was happy to talk about it. When Cas returned, Dean was telling the story of their trip to the Appian Way. “It was probably the longest day we had.” The plate of food Cas set down in front of him made the rest of what he was going to say slip from his mind. He dug into his food, barely glancing up until his plate was almost empty. When he finally sat back, he spotted Rhonda and Benny. They were standing in front of the counter. Everyone grew quiet. Cas grabbed Dean’s hand, trying to convey a message. Dean hardly needed it because he also guessed what was coming.

Benny grinned widely as Rhonda said, “I don’t know what it is with this Cajun but he seems determined to fill our house with crying and spit-up.” Hugs and congratulations filled the next several minutes. Rhonda, looking slightly tired, snuck out of the crowd and over to Dean and Cas. It was the private moment they had been waiting to have. They each hugged Rhonda whose eyes shimmered with unshed tears. “I want you to know this is the last one. After this, my uterus is yours.” There was a moment in which neither understood her meaning, but when it hit, they both reeled back. Cas composed himself first, reaching for her hands. Before he could speak, she added, “Benny and I have discussed it. You two would make great parents, and we want to help you get the chance to have a family. You have been there for us as we have made ours, so it is our turn to be there for you.”

“I don’t know what to say,” said Dean. “I mean it’s not like we haven’t discussed having kids and the possibility of surrogacy. I just never thought…” He trailed off, unsure how to express himself further.

Cas slid his arm around Dean. “I think what Dean is trying to say is, thank you.”

“Yeah that,” Dean said, sheepishly.

Benny joined them a few minutes later. “You told them.”

“Yes,” said Rhonda.

“Good.” Benny looked at Cas and then Dean. “You two are like brothers to me.” It seemed he wanted to say more, but whatever it was never made it to the surface. Instead, he reached out and hugged each of them, slapping them on the back for good measure. “Time for cake,” Benny said as he walked away.

The three of them followed him back into the throng. The conversation was over for now, but the idea remained in the forefront of their minds. It was true. They had discussed their options. In fact, Dean had asked Cas about it long before they got together. They were barely twenty-one and a bit drunk when he bluntly asked him if he wanted kids someday.

_“Of course, I do.”_

_“But how would that work,” said Dean slurring his words slightly._

_Cas rolled his eyes. “Are you actually asking that or are you just being obtuse on purpose? 'Cause either way makes you an ass.”_

_“Ohhh…you are definitely not drunk enough if you can use obtuse.”_

_“Dean,” admonished Cas. “What did you mean?”_

_“I guess I was wondering how you would go about it.”_

_Sighing in relief, Cas said, “I was a kid in the system, so I guess I would lean toward adopting or fostering.” There was a touch of sadness in Cas’s deep voice. Dean leaned into him before resting his head on Cas’s shoulder. “What about you?” asked Cas._

_“I don’t know if kids are in the cards for me. It’s not like I’m even looking for a relationship. I don’t think I’m cut out for that life.”_

_“Bullshit,” snapped Cas. “I see the way you are with Beth. When you hold that baby, it’s like you were made to be a parent. And before you try to argue, Rhonda and Benny obviously believe it or they wouldn’t have chosen you to be her guardian.”_

_“You mean, chosen us."_

_Cas shook his head, jostling Dean who was still leaning on him. “We were talking about you. I know what happened with your parents and the issues with your dad make you apprehensive about relationships, but I didn’t realize it made you think you shouldn’t have kids.”_

_“That’s not exactly what I said,” complained Dean._

_“But it’s what you meant.”_

_Dean shoved off Cas and stood up. He stomped to the kitchen and grabbed himself another beer. Cas remained seated, waiting patiently, like always, for Dean to calm down. Dean refused to sit even when Cas knew kindly asked him to. “Why can’t you just leave it at my words? Why do you always gotta try to interpret me and shit?”_

_Cas sighed as he gave Dean a tight smile. “Because you always hold back, Dean. If I left it at your word, I’d never know how you really feel. And I assume by your questions, I was right in my assumption.”_

_“Yeah, asshole, you were right. Big shocker.” Dean turned away from the couch, hunching his shoulders in defeat. He walked over to the window and pulled back the curtain, staring at nothing in particular. “I don’t want to be like my dad, Cas. I can’t let that happen. Not after…” His breath caught and he dropped his head to the glass, harder than he intended. The contact made a hard thunk and reverberated through the glass. Cas was at his side before he even registered the pain. He pulled Dean from the window and into his arms. All the tension drained from Dean’s body and he slumped against Cas’s solid chest. “This wasn’t how I thought this conversation was going to go,” he said, with a self-deprecating chuckle. _

_“When do our conversation ever end up where you intended?” Cas tightened his hold before saying, “And you are not your father. Nor will you ever be. Do not let what that man did stop you from having everything you want out of life.”_

_Dean gripped the back of Cas’s shirt. “How can you be so sure?”_

_“Because I know you. You are a good man. A loving and loyal person and everyone around you benefits from that. And your child would, too.”_

_Cas’s shirt was damp as Dean lifted his head. Tears still clung to his lashes. Cas’s hand lightly touched Dean’s face before he pulled it back when Dean swiped at his own eyes, wiping the tears away. “I wish I had your confidence,” he whispered as he dropped his gaze._

_Cas’s hand lingered this time as he lifted Dean’s chin. “Make me a promise. Don’t close that door.”_

_Stuck staring into Cas’s intense blue eyes, Dean nodded, willing to at least leave it cracked. “For now,” he said as he stepped back, watching Cas’s hand fall away. _

Both lost in thought, Dean and Cas didn’t notice Charlie and Kevin joining them at their small table. It took Kevin clearing his throat, obviously not for the first time, to get them to look up from their cake plates. “Hello,” said Cas, more sternly than intended.

“Well, that answers that,” sighed Charlie with a pout.

Confused, Dean asked, “What answers what?”

Charlie slumped as Kevin started talking. “Your obviously still mad at us about you know…the party and um…Hannah.”

A burst of laughter from Cas made them all turn to stare at him. He waved his arm, gesturing for them to wait until he got it under control. He took a deep breath and said, “I completely forgot about her. What makes you think we're mad at you?”

“Well you sounded kinda pissed when you greeted us,” said Charlie.

Cas shook his head. “I didn’t mean to. I had something on my mind, but it had nothing to do with Hannah.”

“And we certainly aren’t blaming you two,” said Dean as he reached over and patted Charlie’s hand. “There is no way that was your fault. She tricked you. But now that you mention it, you are going to have to think about what you want to do, Cas.”

“Yes, I know but not today. Today we are celebrating.” Cas smiled at Kevin and Charlie. “Where’s your cake?”

Dean bumped his shoulder into Cas. “I’d say nice diversion, but Benny already used that one not fifteen minutes ago.” Cas rolled his eyes dramatically. “I love you, too,” said Dean, with a soft chuckle and a wink.

They stayed for several more hours. Dean was talked into singing a few songs. His guitar was conveniently in the back room. When Rhonda brought it out, he glared at Mary. She was not sorry in the slightest, giving him a beaming smile and a thumbs up. He shook his head at her but sat down and started strumming. The rest of the time was spent telling stories of their honeymoon to the parade of their friends and family. At one point, Cas stood up and regaled everyone with the highlights, hoping to end the repetition. Soon after, they ducked out, stopping at the store to pick up a few items. 

When they sat down later that night to eat a light dinner, there was a heavy silence. It wasn’t truly uncomfortable, but it wasn’t usual for them. At least not since they got together. Cas broke the silence. “Dean, there is no pressure. I would never push you on this.”

“That’s not the issue, Cas.”

“Then what is?”

Dean reached out and took Cas’s hand. “We have only been in a relationship for two years. Everything has been fast. We lived together, got engaged, bought a house within the first ten months.”

“Dean, we have lived together since we were nineteen.”

“Okay, so forget that one.”

Cas huffed, “No, I will not. It’s why none of it was fast. We loved each other. We were best friends. We were family long before we started dating.”

“We didn’t really date,” said Dean with a hint of sarcasm.

“You’re making my point for me.” Cas set down his fork and turned to fully face Dean. “Our relationship was serious from the very first moment. It may have _technically _begun when you said you loved me two years ago, but it was there much longer and you know it. For me, it was there from the very beginning.”

Dean gave Cas a tentative smile. “All right, I concede on that, but this is different. This is something I have struggled with, and I’m not sure I’ve come to terms with it or even really understand my own feelings about it at this point.”

“Could you try and explain it to me?” Dean shrugged one shoulder but didn’t speak, so Cas asked, “How about you tell me what you felt when Rhonda offered to be our surrogate?”

The heaviness was back, but this time it felt oppressive to Dean. He ran his free hand down his face, taking a deep breath to steel himself. “First reaction? Terror.”

“Why?” asked Cas gently.

“Because I know what you want Cas, and I am terrified I can’t give it to you. And what that will mean for us.”

Cas bit his lip and closed his eyes. “Okay, let’s take that apart. If we never have children, what do you think it will mean for us?”

Pulling his hand out of Cas’s grip, Dean pushed his chair back, giving himself some semblance of breathing room. “I think you will leave,” he stated, his eyes trained to the floor, his fists clenched.

“Just like that. All the years of my love will just vanish, and what, I will simply find someone else to have kids with.” Cas’s tone was angry, but Dean heard the hurt behind it.

“I don’t fucking know. Maybe you’d just do it on your own.”

Cas shoved his own chair back and stood up. “So, you think I would rather be a single parent than your husband.”

Head still down, Dean saw Cas’s feet enter his field of vision. He felt the looming presence of his husband, and this time it did not bring arousal. This time it brought a wave of self-hatred and loss. “I want you to be happy Cas, even if it’s not with me.”

“That is the most asinine thing you’ve ever said to me, and you’ve said some really stupid shit over the years. Dean Winchester, you are the goddamn love of my life.” Cas yanked him out of the chair, tugging lightly at the hair on the back of Dean’s head until he was forced to make eye contact. “How the fuck do you think I’d ever be happy without you?” He crashed his lips into Dean’s, kissing him with all the fervor of his love. Driving the point home with every thrust of his tongue and nip of his teeth. “Don’t you ever minimize my love again. Do you hear me?”

Dean whimpered as Cas kissed him again. “I won’t,” he murmured against Cas’s lips. Dean’s response only seemed to spur on Cas. He renewed his efforts to suck the breath right out of Dean’s lungs. When he finally relented, they both took heaving breaths. Dean’s head dropped to Cas’s shoulder and his body went limp. Cas held him up, enveloping him in his strong arms. After several heartbeats, he lifted Dean into his arms and carried him into the living room. He gently placed Dean on the couch and sat down beside him, and then he waited, hands clasped in his lap and his eyes closed. Dean swallowed harshly. “I’m sorry,” he forced out on a painful exhale.

“I know you are, my love, but you don’t need to apologize.”

“But-”

“Don’t, Dean. You don’t ever have to apologize for your feelings. I just want to understand.” Cas opened his eyes and stared at Dean with warmth and uncertainty. “Something about this situation has always bothered me. If you are so afraid of having kids, why did you agree to be Beth and Alex’s guardian?”

Dean glanced away furtively. This was the sticking point he couldn’t truly wrap his own head around. How could he possibly explain it to someone else?

“Dean, please just try and explain it,” implored Cas.

Resting his head in his hands, Dean said, “I didn’t want to let Rhonda or Benny down, and I figured it wasn’t likely to happen. And I wouldn’t…fuck…”

“You wouldn’t what?”

“I wouldn’t be their real parent. I mean I kinda figured I could still be like the cool uncle they lived with and you’d be the more parental one. It fits our personalities.” Cas’s face contorted into an amalgamation of a frown and utter bewilderment. Dean’s lips quirked at the sight, but the smile never fully formed. In fact, it dropped away as he said, “Yeah, I’m an idiot. You don’t have to tell me. I absolutely suck.”

Cas sat frozen as Dean continued to berate himself. “Stop,” Cas said when he found his voice again. “That isn’t helping anyone. You are not an idiot. Maybe a bit misinformed and definitely lacking in assessing your own abilities and our roles.”

“What does that mean?”

“Oh, Dean. You are the cool uncle, but you are also the one who taught Rhonda how to swaddle Beth and how to soothe Alex during his colicky days. You taught Sam how to tie his shoes and ride a bike. Why can’t you see what the rest of us see?” Cas tried to maintain eye contact, imploring Dean to finally, truly see himself, but Dean looked away. “The day your dad left, you stepped up to help raise Sam. The nights your mom had to work, you were the one who took care of him.”

Dean’s body tensed. “He’s my little brother,” he said through clenched teeth.

“That doesn’t mean you weren’t also like a parent to him,” Cas said, pointedly. “If I called up any of our friends and family and asked about you and parenting, they would say what a wonderful father you would be. There is no doubt in my mind. So, if it is only this fear keeping you from something you want, please don’t let it win.”

Cas tried to take Dean’s hand as he finished speaking, but Dean wouldn’t allow it. He shuttered himself behind a layer of anger. “You said you wouldn’t pressure me.”

There was a flash of pain in Cas’s eyes. “It was not my intent. I’m sorry if it feels that way to you. I will support you, no matter your choice. Just don’t make the choice for the wrong reason. You are a better man than your father, and you would never abandon your family.” Cas paused and took a deep breath before he added, “Or hit your children.”

The sob tore through Dean. Whatever distance he had tried to put between them disappeared as he collapsed onto Cas. The facts were always known, but since that fateful day no one spoke of it. Dean refused to allow it. Demanded the topic be buried. Everyone knew it wasn’t healthy. That it wouldn’t help heal the deep-seated wounds, but they complied. Cas had relented, hadn’t tried to talk about it since those first few months, but here he was opening the box. Digging out the memory, forcing Dean to look at it.

_Dean heard the door crash open. The splintering of wood and the resulting scream. He rushed from his room and sprinted down the stairs. John’s body filled the doorway, blocking out the sunlight. His face was in shadow, but Dean could see the anger seething there. Fear welled inside him, but he shoved it aside. He needed to assess the situation. Find a way to diffuse it before it got out of hand. His eyes quickly swept the room, resting for only a brief second on Mary. She was huddled in the doorway to the kitchen, shielding Sam. _

_His eyes shifted immediately back to his father. He slowly inched his way forward, hoping to block John’s view of Mary and Sam. When he finally gained John’s attention, he said, “Dad, you can’t be here. There’s a restraining order. You have to go.”_

_Mary’s screams echoed in the room. It was the only thing Dean could hold onto. It was as if everything else froze around him. Everything except John. The first punch came so fast Dean never saw it coming. The second and third had him reeling back, falling onto the floor with a heavy thud. He could vaguely hear Sam’s voice, but John’s litany of insults drowned it out. It was all he could attune to until he saw a shock of dark hair and blue eyes. _

_The weight of John’s body was gone. He heard the sound of bones crunching and the wailing of sirens. But it was the sound of Cas’s gruff voice, filled with anger and fear, that pushed him to lift his head. “Cas,” he croaked. There was movement, sounds of a scuffle and shuffling, and then Cas was leaning over him. A cop standing at his back. _

_“Hello, Dean. Mary and Sam are safe.” _

_Dean reached for him, but Cas didn’t respond. “Cas, please.”_

_Cas shifted to the side, and it was then Dean saw the cuffs. “The EMT’s are here. I’ll be there as soon as I can. I promise.” _

_“No, no. He saved me,” Dean said in a shattered voice. The officer looked down at him with a sad, but resigned, expression. _

_“It’s procedure, Dean. They have to take me in,” said Cas. “Don’t worry. It’ll be fine.” Cas stood then, and the EMT’s took his place. Dean closed his eyes as they administered to him. Opening them again only when he heard Sam call out to him. Dean was on the stretcher being moved to the ambulance. Mary, Sam, and another police officer were standing next to it. Sam was waving at him and calling his name. _

_As he got closer, he heard Mary say, “They arrested him. You need to get down to the station. Sam and I are going with Dean to the hospital.” There was pause, and then she said, “Missouri, your only job is to get our boy out of jail.” Dean saw the phone drop away from his mother’s ear. He watched the tears stream down her face. He lifted his hand toward her, and she immediately stepped forward to hold it. There was a flurry of activity as he was loaded into the ambulance. Mary and Sam were whisked away. He spotted them getting into the Impala as the ambulance door was closing._

_Severe concussion, contusions, bruised ribs, fractured orbital bone. He kept his eyes shut, blocking out the light, but he couldn’t block out the words as the doctor explained his injuries to Mary. He heard his mother’s gasps and her cries. The pain it elicited was almost worse than the pain of his injuries. He tried to focus on something else, but where his mind landed wasn’t any better. He pictured Cas handcuffed, fingerprinted, locked in a cell. “Mom,” he called out. “Cas, need Cas.”_

“It wasn’t his fists,” mumbled Dean. Cas’s arms tightened around him. “Not all the injuries. I mean the banister fractured the orbital bone and the floor’s what most likely gave me that bad of a concussion.”

With a heavy sigh, Cas said, “But it all started with his fists. He hit you. He beat you. You were barely conscious when I got there, and he wasn’t stopping. All your injuries happened because he punched you. You understand that, right?”

Dean nodded against Castiel’s chest. “I would never do that,” said Dean, pain evident in his voice. “I would never hit my kid. I have a temper, but…he was so angry…so fucking terrifying. I would never.”

“I know. I know,” said Cas.

“Why would he do that, Cas?” Dean looked up at Cas with tears in his eyes, imploring him to help him understand.

Cas cupped Dean’s face, swiping his tears away with a soft brush of his thumbs. “I saw and heard him later that night at the police station. They were releasing me, and he was being moved. He hadn’t calmed down at all. Jim was trying, but it was only when Bobby stepped in that he stopped yelling. I don’t know how Bobby ended up there.”

“It was probably Jim. They were all buddies back in the day, and when John went off the rails the first time, it was Jim and his partner that came to the house. Bobby ended up being the one to bail John out. He always was the only one who could at least get Dad to listen for half a second.”

Cas chuckled, but it was dark and brooding. “Half a second sounds about right. He started spouting off again once he spotted me. They had to drag him away.” As the memories flooded Cas, his expression became one of anguish. He started talking in a haunting voice, faltering and disjointed as if he didn’t really want to tell Dean anymore of the story. But it came out, nonetheless. “There was this moment...” he paused to clear his throat, “…after I pulled him off of you when he looked at me as if I was the devil incarnate.” Cas’s eyes closed as he faded into memory.

_“This is all your fault. You tainted my son and my family. Turned them against me.” John lunged at Cas, but he side-stepped the advance. “To chicken to fight me. That fits your kind.”_

_Cas held the broken pottery tightly in his hand, keeping it in front of him as a shield. He continued to move away from Dean, who was still prone on the floor, hoping to keep John’s attention on him. He backed out the front door, stumbling down the top step. John took advantage of the weak moment, closing the distance between them. Still trying to regain his footing, Cas struck out with the shard in his hand, hitting John across his forearm. He barely heard the steps approaching behind him, but out of the corner of his eye, he saw a police officer. He dropped the shard and raised his hands. John was yelling in the direction of the officer, refusing to comply. Several cops had by then flanked John. _

_The feeling of hands on his wrists and then cold metal shook Cas out of his trance. The officer was speaking to him, trying to get him to explain. “Dean. He’s hurt. In the house,” was all he managed to say. As the officer turned him and started walking toward the car, Cas finally found his voice. “Please. I need to see if he’s all right before you take me. I think he was unconscious. And where are Mary and Sam? They saw it all. John was beating Dean. Please let me check on them.” Cas saw sympathy wash over the officer’s face. _

_“Just a quick check, and then we have to go.”_

_There was blood, and Dean sounded weak, but it was good to see his eyes open. It was over in a flash, and then he was in a squad car. The drive was mainly silent. He was ushered into an interrogation room. It didn’t take long for the story to form. The theft, the drunk driving crash, the previous altercations, the restraining order. Cas knew it all and laid it all out for the detective. Little was a surprise. John’s file was extensive, and he was well known at the station. The detective tried to steer the conversation to the day’s events, but Cas kept on telling all he knew. He eventually explained what he witnessed, voice cracked with emotion and the effort to keep his tears unshed. _

_Cas was spent, and the detective quickly ended the interview. He escorted Cas out of the room. The sounds of John’s raving hit them as soon as the door cracked open. The detective steered him to the opposite side of the room, but no one could avoid hearing John’s hate-filled rant._

_“You can’t tell me how to raise my kid. He needs a good smacking. Stepping between me and Mary. That is my house, and they can’t stop me from being there. I don’t care what some fucking piece of paper says. I deserve respect. Ungrateful bastard and his disgusting friend think they can keep me away. They got another thing coming.” He continued on in this vein until Bobby stood toe-to-toe with him. They stared at each other, both clearly seething. The respite was over when John caught Cas’s eye. _

_“Think you can hit me and get away with it little fairy. I’ll teach you a lesson just like I taught Dean tonight. Think he’ll ever disrespect me again when he knows what’s coming now?” He yelled louder as they dragged him away, shoving him into the closest room. Cas stared at the empty place where John had been. It was as if a balloon had popped. All the air left him, and he fell against the detective. He was led to a bench and within seconds, Missouri was holding him and whispering assurances. _

_“Mama, I couldn’t let him keep hurting Dean. I had to hit him.”_

_“I know, my sweet boy.”_

Pressure on Cas’s hand preceded Dean’s gently whispered words. “You don’t have to say anymore.”

Cas looked into Dean’s eyes. “It’s all right. We should have talked about all of this years ago. It’s time to get it all out there.”

“Well, that’s on me. After the trial, I wanted to put it away and never think about it again.”

“I don’t blame you for feeling that way. I hate talking about what happened with my family, so I’d be a hypocrite if I did,” admitted Cas.

Silence followed Cas’s statement as both dissected the memory of that day. Dean broke through their thoughts when he smiled and said, “I still can’t believe you hit him with a lawn ornament.”

Laughter bubbled up and out of Cas. “I was in a hurry, and it was there.”

“I never understood why Missouri had those ugly gnomes,” said Dean. They both laughed before he added, “But I guess I’m glad she did.”

“Me, too,” whispered Cas.

Barely audible, Dean asked, “You really think I’d make a good dad?”

“Oh, my love, I don’t just think it, I know it.” Cas leaned in and kissed him heartily. “But there is no rush. We just got married, and we need to explore what it means before we take any new steps.” With a wicked gleam in his eyes, he said, “And I have plenty of ideas how to do just that.”

And just like that, the tension was broken. Cas had a way of always bringing light into the shadows. His words, his voice, his touch, his love were like rays of sunshine and bursts of grace in the dark.


	9. Chapter 9

The topic of children was shelved and replaced with the dilemma of Hannah. It quickly became obvious to everyone that Castiel was avoiding the issue. Two months had passed since their wedding when Mary and Missouri cornered him. He knew what was coming the moment he walked into the kitchen. The women were lined up on one side of the table with similar determined looks on their faces. Cas sighed and groaned as he took a seat across from them.

“I don’t want to discuss it.”

“We know, but you’ve waited long enough,” said Mary.

Missouri reached over and placed her hands on top of his clasped hands. “Even if you don’t want to acknowledge it or don’t think she deserves to be, she is your family. Isn’t it at least worth it to hear her out?”

“You don’t have to accept anything she says or invite her into your life,” Mary assured him. “We will support you either way.”

Taking a deep breath, Cas said, “Dean said the exact same thing. I just don’t know if I’m ready to open that box. I had accepted my life without them, and besides, I have a family. One I chose and who chose me.”

“Castiel, she reached out to you. She seemed genuine when she spoke that day.”

“Missouri is right. And she has respected your wishes and is waiting for you to contact her. If it helps, Dean spoke to Charlie and Kevin about her. She hasn’t even approached them about you.” Mary smiled at him and then looked to Missouri. “We are worried you will end up regretting it if you don’t at least meet her.”

Cas shook his head. “I don’t owe her anything, Mary.”

“Neither of us is saying you do. But maybe you owe it to yourself.”

Missouri sat back in her chair with a questioning look. “This isn’t like you. You step into any challenge, no matter the risk to yourself.”

Standing up angrily, Cas walked to the refrigerator. He pulled out a beer, opened it aggressively and downed half the bottle. “Maybe this is too much. Look what happened when Mary let John back in.”

Missouri was out of her chair and pulling the bottle out of his hand before he could say another word. “Don’t you dare bring that man into this conversation. You should be ashamed of yourself.”

Cas ducked his head avoiding her gaze. He let the guilt wash over him before he lifted his head to look first at Missouri and then at Mary. There was pain in both their eyes. “I’m sorry, Mama.” He stepped around her and approached Mary. He sat down beside her and said, “Mary, Missouri is right, I should have never said that. None of that was your fault. John is the only one to blame. I am so sorry. Please forgive me.”

“It’s okay. I know you didn’t mean it the way it sounded. I know it’s coming from your fear, but you know from experience you can’t let fear rule you.”

With a snort, Cas said, “I told Dean basically the same thing a few weeks ago when we were discussing having kids.”

Mary’s eyes went wide, and she inhaled sharply. “Dean’s afraid to have children.” There was confusion in her statement, and it came out more like a question. Cas frowned, instantly regretting bringing up the topic. He looked to the ceiling trying to buy himself time. Mary prodded him, “Why would he be afraid?”

“Mary, it isn’t my place to tell you. I shouldn’t even have said what I did,” lamented Cas.

A knowing look passed between Mary and Missouri after which Mary said, “Okay, that is off-topic anyway. We should get back to discussing Hannah. If you want, we could invite her over for dinner, so you wouldn’t be alone with her or feel pressure to talk right away.”

“No, that won’t be necessary. I need to take my own advice. If I expect Dean to face his fear, then I should do the same. And you’re right, she has respected my boundaries. I don’t know when I will meet with her, but I will do it.”

Two identical broad smiles welcomed his decision. “Good,” said Missouri matter-of-factly. “Now, let us old women take you to lunch. You look like you are wasting away. Doesn’t Dean feed you?”

“Hey now, who are you calling old?" said Mary, pretending to be affronted. “And why is Dean the one who has to feed him? He’s a big boy he can take care of himself.”

They were up and out of their chairs and walking toward the door. Both women kept up their teasing, picking at each other about their respective children. Cas could do little more than roll his eyes and laugh at their typical bantering. It was a source of amusement for Sam, Dean, and Cas and had been for years. The love underneath the comments was always evident, so they usually just sat back and enjoyed it.

Two weeks later after a long exhausting night at work, Cas broached the subject. “I think I’m ready to meet with Hannah.” Dean abruptly stopped folding the laundry. He turned to look at Cas who was seated at the other end of the couch. Cas gave him a half-shrug. “We almost didn’t get everyone out of the warehouse last night. The fire moved so quickly. We got lucky. It made me start thinking. I was probably closest to Hannah of all my siblings. I missed her terribly that first year. The pain of loss faded over time, but the memories are still there.”

Dean shifted the laundry from the couch back into the basket. He moved down the couch and took hold of Cas’s hand. “Whatever you need, sweetheart. I’m here.”

“You hardly ever call me that.”

“Well, we can’t all be as sappy as you. 'My love' this and 'my love' that,” Dean teased as his cheeks flamed.

With his free hand, Cas cupped Dean’s cheek. “I could stop calling you that if it bothers you so much.”

Dean’s eyebrows shot up, and his mouth fell open. “Don’t you dare.”

Cas smiled indulgently at Dean. “I thought it was too sappy. That _is_ what you were implying.”

“I don’t care if it’s sappy. When you call me that, I feel content and loved. This warmth comes over me and…I’m going to shut up now,” Dean said, hiding his face in his hands.

“Don’t hide from me, Dean.” Cas gently nudged Dean. It was enough to make his husband look up and meet his stare. “That is how I want you to feel. It is my intent when I call you, my love.”

A laugh burst out of Dean. “A gold sticker for you then.” A serious look replaced the remnants of laughter. “This wasn’t supposed to be about me. What is your plan with Hannah?”

“I don’t think a phone call is the right approach, so I plan to meet her. I can’t do…no, that’s not true. I could do this alone, but I would rather do it with you at my side.” There was a nervousness in his voice that only crept in at his most vulnerable moments. Cas hated it, and Dean knew it better than anyone. 

Dean pulled him into a hug, burying his face in Cas’s neck. He whispered, “It’s where I belong.” They held each other, breathing in each other’s scents, taking comfort in the strength of each other’s arms. Dean sighed, placing a kiss to the bolt of Cas’s jaw as he pulled back. “I’ll be there.”

Not wanting to wait, Cas took out his phone. The call to Charlie only took a few minutes. She assured him she would relay his message to Hannah and let him know her response as soon as she got it. As he sat clutching his phone, Dean asked, “Why did you pick Larry’s Diner? It’s basically on the complete opposite side of town.”

Leaning back, Cas rested his head on the couch. He closed his eyes and said, “That’s why I chose it. If it doesn’t go well, I don’t want it to be at one of our favorite places. I figured a neutral place would be better.” He turned his head and slowly opened his eyes. Dean was laying back on the couch, looking directly at him. The soft look in his eyes compelled Cas to lean in for a kiss. As their lips were about to meet, Cas’s phone dinged with an incoming text.

“That was fast,” said Dean. “Do you think that’s a good sign?”

“At the moment, I don’t care,” Cas said with a predatory gaze.

Dean shivered. “And why is that?” he said, voice quivering.

“I think you know. It’s been over forty-eight hours since I saw you. Since I touched you. And then I come in and you’re shirtless.” The depth of Cas’s voice when it was filled with desire always shook Dean to his core, and this time was no exception. Cas watched as he scrambled to his feet while trying to adjust his pants. “No need for that,” said Cas as he gripped Dean’s hand. “You won’t be wearing them for long.” Dean took a step back and Cas added, “What color are they?”

“How did you…? asked Dean.

“How did I know my gorgeous husband was wearing panties? I can tell by the way you move sometimes. By this glimmer that comes into your eyes. What I don’t know is why you chose to wear them today, or which ones they are.”

Stepping back toward the couch, Dean stood between Cas’s knees. “They are the green pair with the lace. And I wore them because I don’t like seeing you so tense.” He crawled into Cas’s lap. “After your family moved away, your body language changed. You had always carried yourself like a soldier waiting for the next battle when you went anywhere. Stores, restaurants, theaters. It was as if you were arming yourself in case you ran into them. But after they were gone, the soldier and his armor were gone.” Dean stopped speaking for several seconds as he ran his hand through Cas’s hair. With a quick press of lips, he continued, “And now that Hannah is back, so is the soldier. It’s subtle and hardly anyone would notice, but I see it and I’m sure our mothers do too. It explains their visit. I don’t want you to have to arm yourself again, Cas, so I thought I could help reduce your tension.”

“Hmm…” Cas slipped his hands around Dean’s waist, running his fingers along the waistband of his sweatpants. “And how exactly were you planning to ease my tension.”

“I think you know,” whispered Dean breathily.

“Then get to it.”

Dean rocked his hips down before he slipped off Cas’s lap. He lowered his pants slowly, revealing just a hint of lace. The pants were barely hanging onto his hips as he sauntered away. When he reached the doorway, he let them slide down his legs. He kicked them off and then stretched his arms above his head. He rested his hands on the top of the doorframe and waited. He put himself on display for his husband, knowing what it did to both of them. A different kind of tension filled the room.

“Turn around,” said Cas, huskily. Without a word, Dean complied. His cock was already straining the delicate fabric. Cas’s breath caught. “Beautiful. So fucking beautiful. Don’t move.” Cas stood up from the couch, the bulge in his pants clearly evident. He crossed the room quickly. Dean held his head high as Cas stepped into his personal space, and stood still as Cas ran his gaze over every inch of his body. “I’m going to touch you now,” breathed Cas.

“Finally,” said Dean exhaling heavily. He gasped when Cas ran his hands down his chest. They settled at Dean’s hips before tugging the panties tight against his cock. “Fuck,” moaned Dean.

“That is the idea, my love.” Cas tipped his head up as he pulled Dean closer. He kept his mouth just out of reach. Anticipation swirled around them. It became unbearable when Dean licked his lips, his breath already erratic. When Dean went to lean in, Cas met him halfway. There was no preamble to this kiss. As soon as their mouths met, they opened for each other. Their tongues met in a battle for dominance. Cas reluctantly ended the fevered kiss. “Go to the bedroom. I’ll lock up.”

Dean gave him a quick, dirty kiss before walking away. Cas went to lock the back door first and then headed toward the front door. When he heard Dean moan, followed by his name, he forgot about the door. Seconds later, he entered his bedroom to find his husband spread out on their bed. He was rubbing his cock through the now damp fabric of his panties. Cas crossed the room, halting Dean’s hand with a single touch. He stripped as Dean, hands fisted at his sides, watched him intently. As he crawled onto the bed, he spread Dean’s legs, kissing them as he went. He nipped at the sensitive skin of the inner thigh, and Dean arched at the touch. With monumental effort, he bypassed Dean’s cock and continued his ministrations up Dean’s abdomen and chest, spending extra time on each nipple. By this point, they were both aching with need. Cas sat up, mesmerized by the flush across Dean’s chest. “What do you want?”

“No, not this time. This is about what you want.”

Cas grinned, eyes crinkling. “Giving you pleasure is always what I want.”

Dean groaned. “Then take what you want.”

There was little talking after that. Once Cas lowered his mouth to lick over Dean’s cloth-covered cock, Dean lost himself in the sensation. Cas watched him the entire time, only looking away as he removed the panties. The long, slow slide was its own form of torture. Dean shifted and squirmed. Cas quelled his movements with his hands. As Dean settled, Cas moved his hands to the back of Dean’s thighs. That simple move was enough to have Dean pulling his knees toward his chest. He was rewarded with the swipe of Cas’s tongue along his crack. His moan was loud and sinful. It was the signal Cas wanted. Within moments, Dean was writhing. Cas licked and sucked, dipping his tongue inside Dean. At one point, Dean cried out, unsure even to himself what words escaped. Whatever it was, it made Cas slide a finger in alongside his tongue. A second soon followed, miraculously coated in lube.

When Cas lifted his head, Dean reached for him, grabbing desperately at his shoulder and his hand. He weakly tugged. “I need it,” he forced out between pants. Just as Cas moved over Dean’s body, cock brushing along his now slick crack, Sam’s voice rang out, “Dean, Cas.”

“Your brother has the worst timing.” Cas rocked against Dean when he went to prop himself up.

Dean cried out. Pushing Cas’s hips away, he said, “I thought you locked the fucking door.”

“I got distracted because someone took it upon himself to start without me. Besides he should know better by now, especially when I’ve been gone a few nights.”

The sound of shuffling feet accompanied, “I can hear you, ya know. I’ll just go make some coffee and meet you by the pool.” Dean sighed, letting Cas drop back down against him, when Sam added, “How long do you think you’ll be?”

“What the fuck, Sam?” snapped Dean. “Just go.”

By then, Cas was outright laughing. “He does have a way of getting right to the point.”

“Stop laughing and get in me.”

Cas shook his head. “Too much cleanup.” Before Dean could protest, Cas engulfed his cock. It was over quickly, what with the skillful tongue of his husband and the insistent pressure on his prostate. “See, no cleanup,” said Cas, triumphantly.

“Aren’t you forgetting something?” said Dean as he gestured at Cas’s rock-hard cock.

“It can wait until I can come inside you.” Dean’s spent cock twitched at Cas’s words. “I am always amazed by this ability of yours,” Cas said as he ran a finger around the head of Dean’s cock.

Dean arched into the touch, feeling his blood rush south. “I have no idea how you made my dick become the uncontrollable, ever-horny dick of a teenager, but it’s all you. Now stop touching it, so we can talk to Mr. Interruptus.”

Shaking his head and laughing, Cas slipped off the bed and stepped over to the dresser. “Fitting moniker and a clever play on words.”

“I aim to please.” Dean smiled, cheekily. “Toss me some clothes.” 

With coffees in hand, Dean and Cas stepped out into their backyard. Sam was seated on one of the lounge chairs by the pool. His back was to them. He looked tense despite being reclined. His head was tilted toward the sun, reflecting off his sunglasses. He must have heard their approach because he sat up abruptly, nearly spilling his coffee. He tried to smile, but it was evident to both Dean and Cas that it was forced. Dean gave Cas a look of concern which Cas returned in kind. Pulling two chairs closer to Sam, they sat down. Dean didn’t bother waiting. “What’s wrong?”

Sam bit his lip, which in itself was strange, but when he refused to look at either of them, Dean grew concerned. “Sam,” said Dean forcefully.

Their worried expressions must have finally resonated because Sam was quick to say, “Everyone’s fine.”

Dean breathed a sigh of relief. “Fuck, don’t scare me like that. Ever.”

“Sorry, I just…I don’t know what to do.”

“Sam whatever it is you can tell us. We are always here for you.” Cas’s tone was soothing and laced with understanding.

Leaning back, Sam said, “I know. I’m not even sure why I am freaking out so much about this. It’s only six months.”

Cas kept his gaze on Sam waiting for him to elaborate. Always impatient, Dean chastised, “We need a bit more of the story than that.”

“Right. Okay, well, I have been given an opportunity to join an environmental research team for six months. It’s an amazing opportunity and a month ago I would have jumped at the chance. I’ve dreamed about this kind of hands-on experience since I first picked my major. I don’t know how I can pass this up, but Sarah and I are just starting out and I’m worried what a separation will do to us.”

Dean was trying to keep himself in check. Cas sensed it, so he spoke first. “Have you talked to Sarah?”

“Not yet.”

“Would you be able to communicate with her while you are gone?”

“Yes.”

Cas frowned, “Then, I don’t see why you two couldn’t make it work.” A scoff to his left made Cas snap his head around. Dean was sitting ramrod straight giving Cas a hard look. “Don’t glare at me. People can survive separation.”

Sam burst out laughing. The glare he received from Cas and Dean only made him laugh harder. When he finally reined it in, he said, “Ironic coming from you two, seeing as how you haven’t been separated since you were teenagers. What did it take, a whopping three days apart, before Dean had you hightailing it to join him at that car show?”

“That’s different.”

“How is it different?”

“It just is,” declared Dean.

Cas reached out and touched Dean’s arm. “Sam, Dean struggles with abandonment and separation. It stems from John’s behavior and from the time I was missing.”

An uncomfortable silence followed Cas’s statement. Dean had curled in on himself. He clamped his hand over Cas’s. This was a topic they rarely discussed and only in the quiet, safe space of their bed. Only when Dean’s walls were down and his head was cradled on Cas’s chest. It wasn’t so much that the topic embarrassed him. It was more about the fear and loss it brought to the surface. The month Cas was gone they had both suffered, but for Dean it had triggered his emotional turmoil from John’s abandonment. Over the years, they grew to understand just how deep the pain went. It seemed odd that no one else recognized Dean’s fear. Although he had grown good at covering, so maybe it was his own fault.

When Dean finally lifted his head, Sam was staring at him. It was almost as if Sam had been reading his mind while he watched him because he said, “I didn’t know.” Dean shrugged. “It makes sense. That month was hell for me. I was scared and worried. I imagine for you it ran deeper.”

“It did. He was the love of my life, I just didn’t know it. Too young and too stupid to put the pieces together. I guess that means I’m probably not the best choice to give you advice about this. Because I have to tell you my first thought was hell no are you leaving for six months.” Dean let go of Cas’s hand and sat forward. “But if I did, I would say, don’t make any decisions until you talk to Sarah.”

“And Sam,” said Cas, “Think about what you might regret. It’s unhealthy in any relationship.”

“Is that why you’ve agreed to see Hannah?” asked Sam. Even before the last word fell from his lips, Sam’s eyes opened wide in shock. “Shit, I shouldn’t have said that.”

Dean stood up angrily. “I swear the gossip in this family is out of control. He made that decision like an hour ago. How the hell do you know already?”

“Yeah, um…Charlie sent me a text about it, but don’t be too mad at her she quickly followed it with one that asked me not to tell anyone.”

“Well good job there,” huffed Dean. It was then that Dean realized Cas was silent. He looked down at his husband. He was sitting quietly, staring out over the pool. “You okay, Cas?”

Cas turned to Dean and smiled. “I’m fine. It wasn’t meant to be a secret. They would all know soon enough anyway.”

“No shit,” said Dean with a wide grin. “Nosy busybodies.”

“Even if you’re okay with it, I am sorry, Cas,” admitted Sam. “It is your story to tell.”

“True, but I don’t like secrets. They kept me and Dean apart for years.” There was a heaviness to Cas’s voice, a long-remembered sadness permeating through it. It made Dean sit down and take Cas’s hand in his.

As Dean sat, Sam stood. “On that note, I’ll leave you two alone. Thanks for the advice.” Cas and Dean gave Sam a perfunctory nod as they were already lost in each other. He walked away leaving them to their inevitable conversation.

“You see it as keeping secrets?” asked Dean.

“How else would you describe it?”

A drop of sweat ran down Dean’s neck. The heat of the sun had seeped through his shirt as it beat on his back. He errantly tugged at his shirt before wiping the back of his neck. During all of this, Cas’s gaze never wavered. He drew Dean back to him with his steady presence. “I didn’t mean to keep a secret. I didn’t understand my own feelings. I didn’t want to confuse you or confuse myself any more than I already was. It didn’t seem fair.”

“I didn’t say that to make you feel as if you were the only one. I didn’t talk to you either.”

“But that’s just it. You had. You told me how you felt.”

Cas smiled, weakly. “When we were basically kids. I hardly think that telling you then is the same as telling you when we were adults.”

“But I knew your feelings were still there.”

“You did?” asked Cas, surprised.

“Did you really think you did that great of a job hiding it?”

This time Cas chuckled when he smiled. “I thought I did.”

Dean shifted to Cas’s lounge chair. “Well, you didn’t,” he whispered as he wrapped his arms around Cas, kissing him softly. He leaned back and looked Cas in the eye. “But I was wondering, you’re usually the one who tells me not to dwell on what we missed by not getting together sooner, so where is this coming from?” Pulling Dean back in, Cas buried his face in Dean’s neck. “Hey, sweetheart, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong because even when we weren’t a couple, we were together. Closer I think than a lot of couples are. And I don’t dwell on the lost time, but I must admit there are times when I ask myself why I wasn’t braver.”

Running his hand through Cas’s hair and cupping the back of his neck, he said, “You and me both.” When the hug ended, they were both hot and sweaty. “Pool or shower?” quipped Dean.

“Pool,” said Cas as he whipped off his shirt. His pants were gone in the next second. Just before he dove into the pool, he winked over his shoulder at Dean who was watching him with rapt attention.

The next week passed quicker than Cas wanted, and before he knew it his meeting with Hannah was looming in front of him. As if to match his mood, the sky was cloudy and rain pelted down in vast sheets. The only saving grace was Dean. He had kissed him sleepily as they lay tangled together in the bed. When they finally left the confines of their bed to shower, he washed Cas tenderly. It was the reverse of their usual roles after a night of unbridled sex, but neither would have it any other way. The care continued through breakfast, the next few hours, and on into the car. Dean held his hand as they made the drive to the diner.

They were the first to arrive and were seated in the booth farthest from the door. Cas kept glancing out the window at the parking lot and then at the door. It was almost a form of pacing. After the tenth time or so, Dean touched Cas’s chin. Cas stopped the repetitive behavior and faced Dean. “Eyes on me,” said Dean.

Cas smiled slowly. “No place I’d rather look.”

“Good, because I love your eyes, especially when they’re trained on me,” admitted Dean. They fell into a light banter about the color of each other’s eyes and who stared more. They were so focused on each other they didn’t notice Hannah’s entrance or her walk to their table. It was when they heard a throat clear that they broke their eye contact. There was shyness to her stance and hesitation in her eyes. She appeared unsure of her welcome and was obviously waiting for an invitation to sit. “Have a seat,” Dean stated, breaking the impasse.

Hannah tipped her head to the side, eyes on Cas. When she received a barely perceptible nod from the firefighter, she slid into the booth. “It’s good to see you, Castiel.”

“I’m not sure I can say the same.” Cas heard Dean swallow down his gasp at his curt reply. “I don’t mean to be unkind,” added Cas. “But you being here is…” Cas stopped and looked away.

“I imagine it is at the minimum uncomfortable for you. I don’t fault you for being angry or hurt or…however you feel. We were cruel. We turned you away and never looked back. I don’t expect your forgiveness. I haven’t yet found a way to forgive myself.”

Her manner of speaking was direct and honest, and for some reason, it helped Cas relax somewhat. “Hannah, what changed?”

“What hasn’t,” replied Hannah on the end of a brittle laugh. “Mother and father divorced. It was ugly and bitter. I left for college before it was even over. And that in itself was a whole other change. The people I met were so much more accepting of others. About halfway through my first year, I found out my roommate, Rachel, was a lesbian. I had no clue what to do. Part of me wanted to request a new roommate, but the larger part of me truly liked her. She was funny and kind. And in the end, she helped me to see the world differently. It was wonderful and devastating at the same time.”

“Devastating,” blurted Dean. “What the hell does that mean?”

“It means I had to face what our family had done. What I had done to someone I loved. It took years and Rachel’s constant support for me to stop hating myself over it. I have wanted to make contact for a long time, but I was too afraid. It was only when I was set to move back here that I realized you deserved better than my cowardice. And so did you, Dean. The image of you standing at our door, asking for Cas, the look on your face, I have never forgotten it. It haunts my dreams the same as Cas’s faltering steps and shell-shocked expression do.”

Shaking his head, Dean said, “I think that was one of the hardest parts. Hearing you say those words. Of all the members of Cas’s family, you were the only one I expected to treat him with a modicum of decency. I had warned Cas about what to expect when he told you asshats, but he had faith in all of you. I wish I had been wrong.”

“I didn’t understand the world very well back then. I was too young and under too much control to see the consequences of that day. I didn’t even think about where you would go,” Hannah said sadly as she turned to Cas.

Cas frowned at the memory. “I didn’t think about it either. I just walked.”

“We didn’t find him for a month. He was dirty, hungry, and homeless,” Dean said, voice rough with emotion. Cas slipped his hand onto Dean’s knee, giving it a gentle squeeze. He felt Dean’s body soften at the touch. He heard him sigh and knew his message was received. “But I don’t think rehashing all that is doing anything for us. Why don’t you tell us what it is your expecting out of this?”

The question seemed to surprise her. Her eyes snapped open and her body went rigid. “I don’t expect anything,” she said tentatively but with absolute sincerity. “I only hoped for the chance to apologize. I would also like to say congratulations. It’s nice to see you happy, Castiel.”

“I am happy. So very happy. Loving Dean and being a part of my chosen family makes me happy.” The truth of the statement hit Cas square in the chest. He chose his family, and he could choose to expand it. He had the choice to open his heart and to forgive or to let past hurts linger. It was an easy decision. Hannah was here before him, apologizing and expecting nothing in return. That factor said a lot about the woman his sister had become. Maybe they both deserved a chance to get to know each other as adults. “Hannah, I want to thank you for your honesty. I also want to thank you for not pressuring me. And I think I’d be willing to spend some time with you.”

At first, they only met for coffee or an occasional lunch. Dean attended all those early meetings. After exchanging some texts and a few phone calls, Cas agreed to meet Hannah without Dean as a buffer. The lunch went better than he expected, and Cas found himself unexpectedly inviting her to dinner at their house. As soon as they left the restaurant, Cas rushed to the shop. Dean was, not surprisingly, out of the office and under a car, when he arrived. “Dean, we need to talk. I did something.”

There was a guarded look on Dean’s face as he made his way over to Cas. He led Cas to his office without a second glance and in total silence. When the door shut behind Cas, Dean rounded on him. “Talk. What do you want to talk about?”

“Why are you angry?” asked Cas, head tilted in confusion. The angry stare he received in return made him take a second look at the words spoken between them. “God, Dean, really? That’s where your mind went.”

Dean took a step back and sat down in his desk chair. He sighed, ducking his head in embarrassment. “Sorry. I’m an idiot.”

“I agree with your assessment. Now if you’re done making ridiculous assumptions, I can tell you what I actually did.” Cas didn’t wait for Dean to agree, he just barreled on with the story. “I was at lunch with Hannah, and we have grown quite comfortable with each other. She isn’t what I expected when this started, not that some of the old Hannah isn’t still in there. What I mean is I didn’t expect to genuinely like her.” Cas was pacing as he rambled. Dean’s chuckle brought both to a halt.

“You going to get to the point because I know most of this already.”

Nodding Cas said, “I invited her to the family dinner on Sunday.”

“And that’s bad?” asked Dean tentatively.

Cas shrugged as he walked over to Dean. He leaned back onto the desk, directly in front of his husband. “I don’t know. I had no plans to invite her, so it took me by surprise when I did.”

Dean huffed, “Welcome to the club, Cas. It’s not as if the rest of us haven’t blurted shit out without thinking. And anyway, it’s just dinner.” Rubbing his hands along Cas’s thighs, Dean added, “Or think of it this way, it might shut up all the gossips in our family. 

The small family dinner turned into quite the spectacle once Charlie found out it was happening. Suddenly, their extended family decided to show up, food and drinks in hand. First, Charlie and Kevin arrived. Then, it was Ellen and Bobby. Soon after, Rhonda, Benny, and the kids arrived. They were followed by Inias and Zeke. As each new guest arrived, Mary and Missouri welcomed them graciously while Cas and Dean continued to prepare the meal they had planned. Sam and Sarah surprisingly were the last to arrive. Luckily for Hannah she had snuck in right after Charlie and Kevin, so she was safely ensconced in the kitchen with Cas and Dean. Introductions went relatively smoothly as they were dispersed over the first half-hour.

Dean and Cas simply shook their heads at their friends and family. As soon as Charlie had walked in the door, they knew everyone else would follow. They warned Hannah of what to expect so she was at least somewhat prepared. And since she knew Charlie and Kevin, they stayed close to her which pleased Cas and made Dean smile. At one point, Hannah was whisked away by Missouri and Mary. She returned shortly after and gave Cas a shrug and small smile.

During dinner, the atmosphere was as jovial and raucous as ever. Hannah, seated to Cas’s right, watched the proceedings with that same small smile. Cas leaned over to her and said, “They are a sight to behold.”

“Yes, they are,” she agreed. “You’re very lucky to have found them all.”

Before Cas could respond, Alex climbed into his lap. “Uncle Cas, she looks like you.”

“You think?”

“Yep,” said Alex with a big grin.

“That’s because she is my sister.”

Alex stared at Hannah for several seconds. “Okay.” He squirmed out of Cas’s lap and disappeared as fast as he arrived. It wasn’t long before Beth came to stand next to Hannah. “Alex said you’re Cas’s sister.”

“I am,” said Hannah.

Beth nodded before turning to Cas. “What’s for dessert?” Dean burst out laughing while Cas smiled indulgently at his niece.

“Your influence on these kids is remarkable,” teased Cas as he nudged Dean’s arm.

Beaming Dean said, “What can I say, I’m just that awesome.”

“What did he do now?” came a yell from across the room.

Dean leaned forward and raised his voice. “You stay out of this, Benny.”

“Yeah, not like they’re my kids or anything,” huffed Benny.

By this time, Beth had climbed into Cas’s lap. “I still want to know what’s for dessert.” A soft chuckle drew Cas’s attention. Hannah was covering her mouth, stifling her laughter. Her eyes shined brightly which brought a smile to Cas’s lips. “Uncle Cas, are you listening to me?” said Beth indignantly.

Ruffling Beth’s hair, he said, “Go ask Grandma Missouri, she’s the one who made it.”

Once Beth was gone, Hannah whispered, “You’re wonderful with the children.”

“They make it easy,” said Cas.

As Dean slid his arm along the back of Cas’s chair, he said, “They were the ones who decided what to call everyone. Practically as soon as she could speak full sentences Beth started calling us Uncle Cas and Uncle Dean. My mom became Nana and Missouri got to be Grandma. Bobby’s Grandpa but don’t ever call him that yourself.”

“What about Rhonda and Benny’s parents?”

“Rhonda lost her parents in an accident a few years after graduation, and Benny’s family moved back to Louisiana four years ago. The kids get to see them a few times a year.”

Hannah looked from Dean to Cas and back again. “So, just like Castiel, they picked their own extended family.”

A thoughtful expression washed over Dean’s face. “I never thought of it that way, but…yeah, I guess they did.” Dean’s eyes drifted to Cas.

Much to Cas’s chagrin, tears had welled in his eyes and were in danger of spilling over. Dean pulled him into his arms, placing a gentle kiss on his lips before wrapping him in a hug. As Dean held him, Cas let the tears fall. He wiped them away just before pulling back from the hug. He gave Dean a grateful smile and returned the gentle kiss.

“Love you,” whispered Dean.

“I love you, too,” said Cas.

At their side, Hannah sat quietly, briefly forgotten, and happy for it. “Don’t feel bad, they tune us all out when they get like that,” said Sam as he sat down next to her.

She smiled, “It’s beautiful.”

“It is,” agreed Sam, all teasing gone.

“I heard that,” said Dean, never taking his eyes off his husband.

Cas added, “We both did.”


	10. Chapter 10

“Cas, they’ll be here in like ten minutes. Get your ass out of the bedroom. No one is gonna care if the beds are made or not.”

When no answer came, Dean walked into the living room and sat down on the couch in a huff. Hannah set her book aside, untucked her legs, and turned to face her brother-in-law. “He cares.”

“Why? It’s just Beth and Alex. They’ve slept over many times. Why’s he so bent out of shape this time?”

Hannah didn’t respond right away. She stared at Dean in the same way Cas did. It was uncanny how similar they were at times. “It’s creepy when you do that,” he said.

“Cas told me you’d say that.” Dean rolled his eyes, and Hannah grinned, finally dropping her gaze. “Giving Rhonda and Benny a vacation was his idea, and he wants it to go well. Besides a night here and there is different than ten full days.”

It made sense when she put it that way. As Dean looked at her, he thought how only a month ago having her in their house seemed improbable. Yet here she was offering Dean advice about a brother she had abandoned for fourteen years. Despite the years apart, she seemed to have a unique insight into Cas. Dean supposed it came from being raised in the same strict, conservative home. The rigidness of the Novak household wasn’t something Cas had left behind easily. He could still fall into cool, aloofness when he wanted to protect himself. Dean was the one who consistently broke down that barrier. He had from the very start of their friendship. Later, Missouri became another driving force in helping Cas open up and embrace his emotions. As these thoughts flickered in his mind, Dean realized Cas’s current demeanor was a sign of how far he’d come. He was excited and nervous, and he wasn’t hiding it. Welcoming Alex and Beth into their home, caring for them, loving them, and doing it so their friends could celebrate their anniversary before the next little one arrived was the culmination of his growth away from the Novaks. Dean was proud of the man his husband had become.

The sound of footsteps made Dean turn his head. Cas walked into the room with a large grin. “It’s all ready,” he said with confidence.

It seemed he wasn’t the only proud one, and that knowledge pleased Dean. “They’re going to love it. Converting the room was a great idea.”

The front door opened before Cas could respond. Alex and Beth came barreling into the house each dragging a small suitcase behind them. Benny and Rhonda followed them in the door. Chaos ensued for a brief moment as everyone talked at once. Dean put a halt to the fevered activity when he said, “Uncle Cas has a surprise for you.”

“What is it?” asked Alex.

Dean gestured in Cas’s direction. “Follow him and you’ll find out.”

The kids raced over to Cas and proceeded to follow him up the stairs. They pestered him about the surprise as they went, but Cas refused to give even the slightest hint. Dean and the others trailed behind, enjoying the back and forth between Cas and the kids. Beth and Alex finally fell silent when Cas stopped in front of a closed door. It was a room that had been used as storage, but when Cas opened the door the transformation was revealed. Squeals of delight filled the hallway and then faded as the kids rushed into their new room. The adults hovered near the door as Beth and Alex explored the new space.

Dean smiled as he watched Cas’s expression. He was smiling broadly, which only increased when Beth wrapped her arms around his waist. She tipped her head up to look at her uncle. Cas smiled down at her. “I’m glad you like it,” Cas said quietly. There was a gentleness to his voice and a softness in his eyes. As much as Dean loved Cas’s strength and hard edges, he also had an affinity for his less seen softer side. He lost himself in simply observing the dynamic between Cas and the kids. Before he knew it, they were back downstairs saying goodbye to Benny and Rhonda. 

“Have fun and don’t worry,” said Dean as he hugged Rhonda.

“Don’t spoil them too much. I don’t want to have to retrain them when we get back.”

“I’m not making any promises. You know how Cas gets around them.”

Rhonda shook her head. “And what you have no control?”

“Over Cas?” Dean chuckled. “You know better than that.”

“Unfortunately, I do,” lamented Rhonda.

Dean threw his head back and laughed. “It wasn’t that bad.”

Her eyes widened, and she pretended to gag. “Yes, yes it was,” she said.

“Others have walked in on worse. Poor Sam has been subjected to…well, a lot is all I’m going to say.” Dean shook his head at the memory of Sam stunned into silence. He grinned and then added, “I never thought you’d be the prudish one.”

“I am not a prude, but that doesn’t mean I want to see my two best friends like that. You in panties is one thing.”

Dean waved his arm dramatically. “Okay, okay. I get it. No need to go into specifics, even if they would illustrate the point.” Dean’s smile faded, and his expression grew serious. “Rhonda, we will take care of your kids as if they are our own. I joke about this stuff, but Cas doesn’t ever take –”

Cutting him off, Rhonda said, “Dean, stop. Besides my husband, I trust Cas more than any other person in this world. I know how fiercely he loves, and how far he would go to protect my kids. My opinion of him or you for that matter would never change based on your bedroom activities. It’s not like Benny and I are tame. That Cajun is wild when he –”

It was Dean’s turn to cut her off. “Nope, I don’t need to know,” he hurriedly interjected. “And thanks for understanding what I meant.”

“Cas isn’t the only one who knows you.”

“Yeah, I forget sometimes just how much you do know.” Dean pulled her in for a hug. “Now, you need to get out of here. Benny looks ready to bolt.”

Benny was standing on the front step tapping his foot, keys in hand. Rhonda gave him a snarky grin and proceeded to give another round of hugs and kisses before joining her husband. The remaining crew waved as they finally pulled out of the driveway. Before reentering the house, they talked about possible plans for the night. Hannah decided it was time to head home and made her exit in the midst of the discussion. Once they were alone with the kids, Cas went to make the popcorn while Dean tried to help the kids pick a movie. He ended up using a coin flip to settle the debate. By the time they settled on the couch with their snacks and drinks, the sky was dark. A half-hour into the movie, Alex fell asleep. A few minutes later Beth joined him. When Dean caught Cas’s eye over the sleeping kids, he gave him a small smile as he held out his hand. Cas reached out across the back of the couch, taking Dean’s hand. “Should we take them up?” whispered Cas.

“Sure,” responded Dean as he stood up. He lifted Alex into his arms. Even with all the jostling, he remained soundly asleep.

Cas picked up Beth. Her eyes fluttered open but didn’t fully wake. She laid her head on Cas’s shoulder and drifted back to sleep. Cas took the lead as they carried the kids upstairs. After tucking them in, Dean took Cas’s hand and proceeded to escort him to their bedroom. Cas followed willingly, despite the frown on his face. “Don’t give me that look,” said Dean as he shut their bedroom door.

“Dean, it’s not even nine.”

“So. I’ve been wanting to kiss you all day and I refuse to wait any longer.” Dean surged forward, kissing Cas deeply, showing his desire for his husband with every swipe of his tongue. He controlled the kiss for several heartbeats until Cas took charge. When he did, Dean felt a surge of arousal. When Cas let him up for air, he breathed, “I love when you do that.”

“I know,” said Cas. “What else do you want, my love?”

“I don’t need anything special tonight. Just your touch. I was lonely the last few nights.”

Without hesitation, Cas gave Dean exactly what he wanted and needed. By the end, Dean knew Cas had needed the same. The orgasm that ripped through the firefighter was long and intense. Dean held him through it, caressing and kissing any skin he could reach. Cas lay spent across Dean’s body whispering words of love. They were the only words spoken after Dean’s request, for the night had belonged to their sense of touch. They read each other’s bodies with the sweep of a hand, the kiss of lips, and the press of fingers. 

Luckily, they had remembered to clean themselves up and dress before succumbing to sleep because two rambunctious kids burst in their room as the sun streamed in the window. Beth crawled between the two men while Alex laid down next to Cas. “Will you make chocolate chip pancakes?” asked Beth as she stared at Dean.

“Why chocolate chip?” he asked with a sleepy grin.

She frowned theatrically. “Because Mom always makes blueberry.”

“Always?”

“Well,” she hedged, “almost always.”

Dean laughingly said, “Since your life is sooo hard, I suppose I can make them for you.”

Ignoring the clear sarcasm in Dean’s voice, Beth cheered her victory. Alex joined in with his sister and soon all four people in the bed were laughing. They made their way downstairs still in good spirits. Dean made Beth help him with the cooking while Cas had Alex set the table. Breakfast was a fast affair as the pancakes disappeared as soon as they left the griddle. After the table was cleared and the dishes were done, they all went back upstairs to dress for the day. The weather had turned cooler in the last few weeks as autumn fully arrived. Neither Beth nor Alex seemed to mind when it grew colder outside. Both were willing to play outside no matter the weather. If it rained, they simply donned their raincoats and boots and splashed in puddles. Looking out the window, Dean was glad to see there would be no rain to contend with as the sun was shining brightly. There wasn’t a cloud marring the bright blue sky.

He dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and one of his trusty flannels. Cas stepped out of the bathroom in similar attire except he wore a dark jean jacket in place of the flannel. The outfit drew Dean’s eyes. With his dark hair and blue eyes, Cas looked amazing in that particular jacket. “Stop staring at me like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like you want to undress me.”

Dean stepped over to Cas and languidly ran his eyes up and down his body. “Not completely. You can keep the jacket on.”

“Dean,” admonished Cas. “We are leaving.”

“Yeah, yeah. Doesn’t mean I can’t fantasize for a few seconds.”

Cas rolled his eyes as he walked past Dean. He looked back over his shoulder in time to see Dean rake his eyes over his ass. “Seems the fantasy has shifted,” said Cas, his voice deep and smug.

“Who can blame me? Your ass is magnificent.”

“That is my line,” said Cas as he walked out of the room.

Dean followed quickly. “Doesn’t mean I can’t use it.”

Two blurs of energy ran up to them, halting their conversation. “We’re ready,” yelled Alex. Dean picked him up and flipped him over his shoulder. He carried him down the stairs and out to the car. Cas and Beth walked out behind them. Once they were all buckled in, Alex asked, “Who’s going to be there?”

“Garth and Bess organized it so you know they will be there with Katie. Donna and Doug are helping with some of the events. I’m sure Jack and Krissy will be with them. I’m sure most of the family will show up at some point,” said Dean.

Beth sat forward in her seat and touched Cas’s shoulder. “Do you think Claire will be there?”

“I think she’ll be there,” said Cas. “It’s a fundraiser for kids like Claire.”

“What do you mean?” asked Beth.

Cas turned so he was facing the back seat. “You know that Missouri isn’t my birth mother. When I didn’t have a home, she took care of me and eventually adopted me.” Cas paused and both kids nodded. “Well, when I first moved in with her, I was a foster kid and she was my foster parent. It was the same for Claire when she first moved in with Jody. And this fundraiser is to help support the foster program. Garth started thinking about it after hearing Claire’s story, and after meeting a couple of foster kids on one of our calls, he decided to make it happen.” Cas shifted until he was facing the front again. “You like Claire?” he asked.

“Yeah, she’s like me and mom.”

“Snarky and stubborn,” said Dean, with a huge grin on his face.

“As if you aren’t stubborn Dean Winchester,” said Beth in her best imitation of Rhonda’s voice.

Dean burst out laughing. “You’re only eight years old. You’re not allowed to bust my balls until you’re at least a teenager.”

“Dean, watch your language,” huffed Cas.

Beth patted Cas’s shoulder. “Don’t worry Uncle Cas, Mom says that word all the time.”

“I’m not surprised,” said Dean, winking in the rearview mirror. “Your mom is awesome.”

“So, the criteria for being awesome through Dean Winchester’s eyes is saying the word _balls_.”

“Not just _balls_ Cas, _bust my balls_.” Dean looked over in time to see his husband roll his eyes. “I think I get what you mean about Claire,” he said directing his eyes to Beth. “She does remind me a bit of Rhonda.”

“And me?”

“And you,” conceded Dean. “And what do you think Alex?”

“I want to ride on the fire truck with Uncle Cas and try on his helmet.”

“You’ve done that before,” said Beth.

“So, I’m going to be a firefighter when I grow up.” Alex crossed his arms and stared at his sister defiantly as if taunting her to argue. It was not a new idea he was presenting. In fact, almost since he could talk, Alex had been professing his desire to follow in his uncle’s footsteps. He dressed up as a firefighter for Halloween two years in a row. He consistently begged to be shown around the fire station. He had even worked his magic on Rufus. The grumpy old fire chief gave into Alex’s demands more often than not. In the last four years, nothing had dissuaded Alex from his future career goal. Even seeing Cas or one of the other firefighter's injuries didn’t deter the young boy. His sister often argued with him about it, but today she chose to let it go. She shrugged at his statement and then proceeded to change the subject. Within minutes, they parked the car on a crowded street several blocks away and made the longer than expected trek to the event

The crowd was massive, but they managed to find their family and friends quickly. Beth latched onto Claire immediately. The young woman nodded at Dean and Cas as if to say, 'I’ll watch her'. With Beth taken care of, they followed Alex to all the events he wanted to see, which meant the bulk of their day was spent in and around the fire station. Donna’s kids also seemed glued to the fire station. Krissy, who was the same age as Alex, also wanted to be a firefighter. And Jack, her younger brother, wanted to do whatever his sister did. Krissy and Alex dragged young Jack everywhere with them. Dean couldn’t stop smiling the entire day. He caught Cas watching him a few times, and while he couldn’t quite read Cas’s expression, he sensed there was a thoughtfulness to it. Clearly something was on his husband’s mind.

“What are you thinking about?”

Cas slipped his arm around Dean’s waist and kissed his temple. “I’ll tell you when we get home.”

“It’s not bad or anything. Is it?”

“No, my love, it’s not bad.”

“Okay,” Dean said as he leaned in for a light kiss. “Should we round up our crew and head home?”

“Yes, I think we should.” Fifteen minutes later, they had the kids in the car and were headed for home.

Later that evening after dinner and another movie, Dean and Cas were alone, snuggled against each other on the couch. They talked briefly about the day. Dean told Cas about his talk with Mary and Sam while Cas discussed his time with Inias and Zeke. In Cas’s opinion, it seemed their friends were headed for marriage. The discussion shifted to Charlie and her crush, who she refused to name. “I still think it’s Hannah,” said Dean.

“I’m beginning to agree with you. And I think maybe those feelings are reciprocated.”

“Well, you’d be the only one who could tell. Your sister is very hard to read. I don’t envy Charlie in trying to navigate that.”

Cas sighed, “I think Hannah will have to be the one to take the lead. I’m just not sure she is ready. I know she is accepting of us, but I’m not sure she understands her own sexuality yet.”

Shrugging, Dean said, “I can relate. It wasn’t easy for me. It was confusing and scary, so I ignored it. I hope she doesn’t end up doing the same.”

“Me, too.”

Sliding his arm across Cas’s waist, Dean tugged him closer. He rested his head on Cas’s shoulder. “Now that we’ve covered pretty much everyone else how about you tell me what was going through that pretty head of yours earlier?”

Cas tipped his head back, resting it on the back of the couch. He let out a long, slow exhale. “I desperately want to talk to you about this, but I don’t want you to take it the wrong way.”

“Okay, I promise I will try not to jump to conclusions,” Dean said, tentatively.

“I was watching you today. With all the kids. You are so good with them, Dean. They love you and want to be around you. And it isn’t just Beth and Alex. It’s all the kids, even the teenagers like Claire.”

Dean’s body tensed. “Cas,” he warned.

“Dean, please let me finish.” Dean squeezed Cas’s hip. Taking that as permission Cas continued, “But it isn’t just them and their reactions. It’s you, Dean. You look so happy when you’re with them. You look younger and less stressed. And I want that for you always, not just once in a great while. You deserve it.”

There was no denying it. Dean had felt it too. In actuality, the feeling had been there for years, on the rare occasions when he allowed himself to feel it. Deep down he knew he wanted a family. He knew he wanted kids with Cas. He wanted to see his husband become a father. He wanted to place a baby in Cas’s arms. He wanted to hold their baby close and sing it to sleep. He just needed to find the courage to make it happen. The newly decorated bedroom upstairs, now filled with kids, and the other down the hall Cas planned to turn into a nursery for the new babies on the way were making it hard to ignore. Garth and Bess would soon have their second child. Rhonda and Benny’s baby was due in a little over three months. Donna and Doug were talking about having another. Even Zar was having a baby, not planned of course, but still, he was going to be a father in less than six months. All these happenings had Dean looking into their future, and he always envisioned their house filled with children. So, what was he waiting for and why was he pushing Cas away whenever the subject arose?

Dean had remained silent too long, for Cas was slipping out of his grasp, apologizing as he went. “I’m sorry. I failed to keep my promise. I won’t bring up the subject again. Consider the topic closed. Just give me a few minutes and then join me upstairs. And remember I love you.” He smiled down at Dean as he stood up. “Now and for always.” He was gone before Dean could find the words to stop him. Dean remained on the couch for several minutes formulating what he needed and wanted to say. Only when he felt confident did he climb the stairs to join Cas.

He found his blue-eyed husband tucked in bed. He walked around the bed to sit beside Cas. He took his hands in his and stared into Cas’s eyes. “I love you, too. Now and for always. And I love that you would respect any choice I make. In the end, the answer was always there. It was there in the purchase of this house. It was there in the changes we made to it. It was there when I proposed to you. It was there in my dreams and visions of our life. As I assume it was in yours. This is not a home for two people. If that was my future, our future, we could have lived in Mildred’s house. But, even at twenty-two I knew that was not the house for me. That was not the home I wanted because I wanted a family. I wanted to fill a large house with my family. Our family. Our children. So, you see, I always wanted it, I just didn’t know if I could have it.”

The intensity of Cas’s gaze halted Dean’s speech. He waited for his words to sink in and for the inevitable questions, but they did not come. Instead, Cas’s gaze softened and his eyes filled with, the only word Dean could think of was, wonder. And without thought, he added, “But now I know I can.” Cas surged forward, engulfing Dean in his arms and pulling him on top of him. Everything after that happened so fast, Dean could barely keep up. Cas stripped him and laid him out before him. Somewhere along the way, Cas had removed his own clothing. When Cas entered him, Dean was panting and ready to explode. He knew it all happened too quickly, but he couldn’t hold himself back. And Cas seemed to want it that way, for he stroked Dean fast and hard. There was no teasing, only fierce desire. They both rocketed to the end as Cas pulled out Dean’s orgasm just as he exploded deep inside his husband’s body. Unable to control his reaction, Dean cried out, loud and long. Fortunately, Castiel still had some sense, and he covered Dean’s mouth part-way through. After they calmed down, Dean said, “Fuck, I forgot about the kids. I think I pretty much forgot everything except your cock pounding my prostate.”

“Hmm…”

“That’s all you have to say.”

Cas chuckled. “I don’t think we’ve fucked like that since we first got together.”

“You mean in a mad rush to the end.”

“You didn’t exactly have stamina the first few times.”

Dean buried his head in the crook of Cas’s neck. He felt his face flush as he whispered, “You turned me into a horny teenager who had no control over his dick. Being with you, Cas…God, it was a revelation.”

“I felt the same, you know. It was life-altering. I had never felt more connected to another person. I feel that way every time. No matter what type of sex we have.”

“Same,” said Dean lifting his head and capturing Cas’s kiss swollen lips in a deep kiss.

When they separated, Cas asked, with a hint of worry in his gritty voice, “Did you mean it?”

“Yes. And I don’t want to wait.”

Cas ran his fingers through Dean’s hair and along his spine. “What are you thinking?”

It was the one area Dean had not prepared in advance. When he came up the stairs, he consciously decided to leave this part open to discussion. He wanted Cas to be the focus of this part of the decision, so he said, “I know how much you have thought about this, so I want to know what you want.”

Shifting away from Dean, Cas sat up, planting his feet firmly on the ground. Dean curled up behind him, rubbing his hip gently. “Fostering is important to me, but I also want to be there to see our baby come into this world.”

There was an edge to Cas’s voice that gave Dean pause. “What bothers you about that?”

“I feel guilty. There are all these kids who need a good home. One, I think we could provide, and yet I selfishly want a newborn.”

Dean kissed his way up Cas’s strong back, the muscles rippling under his ministrations. He laid one final kiss behind Cas’s ear before whispering, “We can do both. Maybe not all at once, but eventually. Where would you want to start?”

“It was wonderful of Rhonda and Charlie to offer to be surrogates, but neither is really in a position to do that just now.”

The bed rocked as Dean shot up and off the bed. “Wait, Charlie did what?”

“It was about a month ago. She and I were having lunch, and she blurted it out.”

“She said it just like that.”

“Well, I may have been staring at a mother and her baby. She mentioned something about longing, and I don’t know, some other emotions.” As he sat up, he hastily added, “Sorry I didn’t tell you. At the time, it didn’t seem necessary since I told her we weren’t planning on having children.”

Cas’s head was down, his eyes fixed on the carpet between his feet, when Dean stepped between his legs. Lowering his head, Dean rested his chin on Cas’s soft, dark hair. “It’s okay. I get why you didn’t say anything.” He dropped down next to Cas and leaned their bodies together from shoulder to thigh. “Besides, I think you’re right about the timing. If she is interested in someone, it wouldn’t be a good time for her to be our surrogate. So, does that mean you want to start the process of becoming foster parents?”

“Yes.”

“All right, then. I assume you know where we start.”

“I think we start with Mama.”

Dean nodded, “You’re right. If we didn’t consult her, Missouri would never let us live it down.”

“You might as well include Mary in that sentence as well.”

“True. So, after Rhonda and Benny get back, we will talk to our mothers.”

In lieu of a verbal response, Cas kissed Dean on the cheek and pulled him back into the bed. 

Their time with Beth and Alex went by in a flash. They both had school during the week so evenings meant homework and reasonable bedtimes. Their second weekend was spent shopping for Halloween costumes and carving pumpkins. They visited a fall festival at a farm near Granville which was well worth the half-hour drive. The favorite parts of the day were the corn maze and the train. They came home with plenty of pumpkins for the kids and Cas to carve. Castiel took his pumpkin carving seriously - his creations were the talk of the family and of the neighborhood. As much fun as the fall festival was, the costume shopping was not. Rhonda and Benny really wanted Alex to pick something other than a firefighter, but he was as stubborn as his mother and incalcitrant as his father. Needless to say, he tried every tactic to weasel his way into a firefighter costume. He attempted to come up with variations and even tried bribery. For once, his uncles held firm and refused to give into his adorable pouting face and his pleading golden eyes. He ended up choosing to be a superhero but insisted on one without a cape. Ironically after all was said and done, Beth chose a firefighter. Both men walked out of the store hoping since it was a different kid this time, it would be approved.

On their last night together, the four of them went out to pizza and to the arcade for laser tag even though it was a school night.

Dean was as competitive as always, and Cas could only shake his head at his husband who seemed determined to beat every child no matter their age. Of course, that meant both Alex and Beth wanted Dean on their team. They ate too much and stayed too late, but the laughter was worth it. Both kids fell asleep on the ride home. They were carried straight to their beds and tucked in by their uncles. They blearily woke to say 'love you' when they were kissed on the forehead. 

Rhonda and Benny arrived at the house just as Dean was getting out of his car. Cas was picking the kids up from school and was expected home in less than five minutes. Dean walked over to his friends to let them know but stopped to just look at them. They hadn’t look this rested in years. Both were tanned golden by the sun. Their eyes were bright with joy and a hint of mischief. They were holding hands and bumping into each other as they walked. It was wonderful to see them looking so carefree and in love. Having kids so young had been difficult and Dean knew it, even if they never complained about it. Money had been tight in those early years. It was why they had yet to buy a home. But Dean had plans in motion to change that before the baby arrived in the new year. And this time he would not take no for an answer. His manager was going to take the raise and the bonus, and Cain was going to sell them a house.

It was only a month ago when Dean bumped into his old landlord and the man who sold him their home. As they got to talking, Cain mentioned selling more of his properties, two of which were in Dean and Cas’s neighborhood. Just as he had when he bought their home, he asked Cain to hold off on listing the homes. He knew one of them would be perfect for the growing family and having Benny and Rhonda closer would be a great bonus. He knew he had his work cut out for him, and it wasn’t going to happen overnight, but his goal was to have them in a new home before the baby was born. Cas, of course, was in full support of the plan. He smiled at the thought and then used that smile to greet his friends. “You two look great. Costa Rica agrees with you.”

“It was gorgeous and amazing,” said Rhonda as she let go of Benny’s hand to hug Dean. “Thanks for watching the kids for us. We needed it.”

“Yeah, brother. Thanks. I got to actually spend time talking to my wife, among other things.”

“Good, that’s what we wanted for ya.”

Benny’s eyes lit up with mirth. “You thinking about my wife again?"

“Nope, all you this time, Benny.” All three cracked up at Dean’s comment. “I wouldn’t say that too loud, Rhonda might get jealous.”

“I don’t think I’m the one he has to worry about. The guy turning the corner just now is the one he has to fear.”

“Ain’t that the truth,” said Dean with a toothy grin. “Although my husband is hot when he’s jealous, so…”

Rhonda smacked Dean on the arm. “I assume my kids are in that car, so I think you need to curtail that train of thought.”

“If you insist,” said Dean with an exaggerated sigh.

Cas pulled into the driveway, and the two kids in question were out of the car and leaping into their parent's arms before Cas even had the car in park. They both chattered, getting increasingly louder as they tried to talk over each other. Their parents chuckled at their enthusiasm before finally asking them to quiet down and go get their suitcases. Cas retrieved their backpacks from his car as everyone made their way inside. Dean heard Cas’s footfalls a few seconds later. He turned to see Cas step into the house, a discernible sadness in his eyes. “I’m going to miss them, too,” he said as he pulled Cas to his side.

“That obvious?"

“Only to me.”

“To me as well,” said Rhonda as she stepped in front of Cas. “You are an old softy. You hide it well, but it’s there for those of us who choose to look.”

Cas quirked his lips and said, “I missed you, too.”

The sound of suitcases bashing into walls drew the adults’ attention. Dean slipped away from Cas and hurried to the stairs. He took the suitcases before any more damage could be done. “Are you back to work tomorrow?” he asked Rhonda.

“Yeah, but only half a day. Benny works as well.”

“In that case, I’ll stop in and see you tomorrow, and you can tell me about your trip.”

Benny grabbed the suitcases from Dean. “And I’m hosting poker night on Friday. I need a chance to win my money back from card shark over there.” Benny tipped his head in Castiel’s direction.

“Hey, I’m as good as him.”

Both Rhonda and Benny rolled their eyes, but it was Beth who spoke. “Not from what I hear. All Dad does is complain about Uncle Cas’s poker face.”

Dean frowned as he shook his head. “All right, all right. Enough of that. He has a big enough head as it is. You four get out of here.”

Laughter filled the room as they complied with Dean’s wishes. Beth and Alex hugged their uncles and thanked them before following their parents to the car. Dean and Cas stood on the porch and waved until the car was out of sight. It was not something they usually did. It was as if they were trying to savor the moment. It was odd and slightly disconcerting. But also, quickly forgotten as they walked back into the house and bickered over what to make for dinner.


	11. Chapter 11

It was dark except for the moon and the flames. The screams echoed through the bitter night air. He reached for the outstretched hand, grasping and pleading to make contact. At each touch, the hand would fade back and the process would start again. The screams grew louder and more pained with each successive failure. Cas felt the sweat dripping down his head and neck. He felt it run down his chest. His mask fogged with his heavy breathing, making it all the harder to find the person just out of his reach. He could hear the pleading voices behind him and the sound of sirens. Despite the hot flames lighting the room, he could see glimpses of the flashing lights. The cries of his fellow firefighters filtered in, but he shoved them away as he advanced further into the flames. He saw the bodies before him. He called out to them, and then the hand was back. This time he gripped it firm. It felt ice cold, and he wondered how he could tell through his glove. He panicked when he saw his glove was gone, and the hands clasped together were engulfed in fire. There was no pain until the hand was ripped from him, and he screamed his throat raw.

He awoke on a massive jerk and a pained yell. Dean was at his side immediately, speaking to him in a measured tone, assuring him it was a dream. But Cas knew it wasn’t. Not really. It was snippets of reality, mixed with the raw emotion of that fateful night. Just as the sweat on his body and the ache in his throat were real on this night, the flames and loss of that night were all too real. He shifted away from Dean. He didn’t want his sympathy or his pity. He wasn’t the only one who had lost. Yet, somehow, he had become a focal point. He didn’t want it. He didn’t deserve it. He was the one who had failed. It was his fault they were gone. His fault. His fault. His fault. He must have been saying the words out loud because Dean was suddenly in his face, repeatedly saying, “No, it wasn’t.” Cas hated when he did this. Hated that he couldn’t control his emotions in these weak moments. Dean didn’t need to see him like this. It’s why he rarely slept in their bed. The plaguing nightmares haunted him and made him weak. There was so much on their plate in the aftermath of the fire, and he needed to be strong for his husband. He couldn’t let himself succumb to his despair and his guilt.

He straightened his shoulders and said, “I’m fine, Dean. Go back to sleep.”

“You are not fine, and there is no way in hell I am going to back to sleep.” Dean gently took Cas’s hands. He was always so tentative, now, when it came to touching him, and Cas hated it. Hated that he made Dean question himself in such a way. He made sure not to pull away or twitch and because of that Dean gripped him tighter. He stepped a bit closer as he said, “Talk to me.”

“Why? It’s always the same. The flames and the screams. Nothing changes because nothing can change. They are gone, and we are here. I am here.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

“Isn’t it? My job was to save them or die trying.”

Dean inhaled sharply as tears welled in his eyes. “That is not your job. You are supposed to try to save lives, but not at the risk of your own. You know that. You wouldn’t say that to Donna or Garth or Doug. They were all there that night. Do you blame them or any of the other first responders that were there?”

Cas stood motionless, unblinking and robotic. He refused to look at Dean. He refused to answer.

“Your silence is an answer. You would never blame them, so please stop blaming yourself. They would not want that. You did everything you could. You saved lives that night. You saved the kids.”

“Benny did that.”

“And if you hadn’t been there? If you hadn’t disobeyed orders and ran in there, then what?”

Dean slid his hands up to grip Cas’s biceps fiercely. “Benny made a choice. He chose to stay and help get everyone out. You could not have stopped him if you tried. He died to save his wife and kids.”

“But Rhonda didn’t…” Cas stopped abruptly pulling himself out of Dean’s hands. “She died, Dean. We didn’t save her.”

Dean snapped forward, back into Castiel’s personal space, before pulling himself back and taking a calming breath. “Cas,” he said, voice soft and filled with tenderness, “The doctors told you she died from the placental abruption, not the fire. If you and Benny hadn’t got her out when you did, the baby would have died. We wouldn’t have Benjamin in our lives. Beth and Alex wouldn’t have their little brother. Please try to see what you saved instead of only seeing what we lost.”

Leaning his forehead against Dean’s, Cas sighed tiredly. “I’m going to get a drink of water. Don’t wait up.” He kissed Dean on the cheek and then left quickly before his husband could say more. In the kitchen, he stared out the window. The night sky was similar to the one two months prior.

_The call came in at one in the morning. The sky was clear, and the moon was shining brightly that night. The quiet night was disrupted when the alarm sounded. The trucks were loaded in a flash, and they headed out into the night. The flashing lights polluted the night sky, and the sirens broke the silence. It was the fire, however, that destroyed the peace and tranquility of a beautiful night. As they rounded the corner, an explosion erupted. They were down and off the trucks in a flash. Several townhomes were already ablaze. People were streaming into the street and crying for help. _

_As the firefighters took charge, the chaos settled into a semblance of organization. Two people were confirmed dead in the first fifteen minutes. Cas was so busy he didn’t have time to think of the location. It wasn’t until he pulled the first people out that he took a second to look at his surroundings. He was holding a small child in his arms. It was one of Beth’s friends. She lived only two townhouses down from Beth. His gaze left the child’s soot-smudged face as he looked at the expanse of homes in front of him. It hit hard and fast. He didn’t remember setting the child down, but he must have because she was no longer in his arms as he crossed the street. He rushed to the door and battered his way inside, heedless of the cries behind him. A blast of heat washed over him and flames erupted all around him. He could hear a distant cry, and he made his way toward the sound. Feet on stairs had him lifting his head. He saw Benny barreling down the stairs with a child in each arm. He thrust Beth and Alex into Cas’s waiting arms and was gone before Cas could speak. _

_Unable to stop his friend, Cas turned and raced back out the door. He barreled into Doug and Donna. The kids were taken from him and rushed to the waiting ambulances. He felt a presence at his back as he made his way back into the house. He knew it was Garth trying to stop him. He ignored the warnings and the pleas, pulling his arm from grasping hands as he rushed back into the flames. Benny was nowhere in sight, so Cas made for the stairs, leaping through flames to reach the top landing. Benny was on his knees with Rhonda in his arms. She was pale and her breathing was labored. It took Cas mere seconds to understand she was in severe danger, and it wasn’t from the fire. _

_Benny tried to stand, but he was coughing too hard, and he appeared disoriented. Cas got down to his level and told him to let Rhonda go. Benny clung to her, but with Cas’s prodding, he finally loosened his grip. Cas took Rhonda, nearly thirty weeks pregnant, in his arms and stood to go. Without Rhonda’s weight, Benny managed to get to his feet. His vision cleared slightly and he said, “Go Cas. Save her. I’ll be right behind you.” Each word was labored and hampered by coughing fits, but Cas understood them. With one glance back at his friend, he took off for the stairs. _

_He was down them and out the door as fast as his legs would carry him. Garth ran to meet him, helping with Rhonda until they had her placed on a stretcher. She was white and what little breath she had was now gone. The EMT’s began CPR immediately, continuing it as they placed her in the ambulance. It was only after the sirens faded that Cas saw the blood coating his jacket. _

_He turned to see Garth staring down at his own gear. It was too much and they both knew it. Shaking off the oppressive thought, they pulled themselves back into the fray. Cas had one thought in mind as he faced the homes alight with fire. Where is Benny? He rushed back to the house_.

A blackness cut into his mind and his memory shifted.

_He was standing at the edge of the sidewalk, being held back by Garth and Donna. The houses were too far gone they kept repeating. Unsafe, unstable, no one can go in anymore. He refused to listen to them and fought them at every turn. It wasn’t until they said, “The fire is spreading,” that he stopped his one-track mind._

_“Let me go. I have to help put this thing out.” He must have convinced them because they let him go. Alongside his fellow firefighters, they battled the flames through the night and into the early morning hours. A few more rescues were made and miraculously no more lives were lost. But for Cas, it mattered not. He had failed to save the lives of his friends. _

He pulled himself from the memory. It did not help in the least to rehash the night. It was bad enough he couldn’t escape it in his sleep, he didn’t need to relive it in his waking hours. He wanted to do what Dean asked. He wanted to look at the faces of those they saved and see joy in it, but when he looked at the children, their children now, all he saw was how he failed to save their parents, their real parents. He knew it wasn’t a healthy way to view it. Knew it wouldn’t be what Rhonda or Benny would want, yet he just couldn’t find a way out. His mind trapped him in the fire. Trapped him with Benny’s last words and his charred body. Everyone had warned him not to see the body, but he refused to listen and now the image was seared into his mind. It plagued him as much as any other sound, smell, or sight of that night did.

He set his water glass down and stepped out into the night. He breathed in the crisp clean air. Thankful for it, in a way he had never been before that fateful night. He had yet to return to work. Wondered often if he would ever find the courage to go back. The ready-made excuse of taking in three children, one barely out of the NICU, made it easy to avoid the discussion of his job. Dean was only working part-time at the shop, choosing to do the office work at home. He turned to look up at his bedroom window. A light was on and his husband was standing at the window, illuminated by the yellow glow of their bedside lamp. He wanted to go to him. Wanted to reassure him, but he didn’t know how. There was a wall around his emotions. A wall he was familiar with. One he had constructed after his parents threw him out. Dean had cracked that wall and helped Cas tear it down all those years ago. As he watched his husband rock back and forth nervously, he wished this time he could find a way to knock the damn thing down himself.

He took a deep breath, looked around at their expansive backyard, glanced once more at his bedroom window, and then he walked back into the house. He took his time walking up the stairs, knowing Dean was waiting. He didn’t hesitate at the door. He didn’t want to hurt Dean in that way. He walked into the room and allowed his husband to wrap his arms around him. Dean buried his face in Cas’s neck and breathed in his scent. It was something Dean often did, and Cas usually welcomed the sensation. These days, it barely registered.

Dean sighed. It was a sigh of someone who felt the change. Who knew the connection wasn’t quite the same as in the past? Needing a break from this train of thought, Cas said, “Benjamin has an appointment tomorrow.”

“I know. It’s on my calendar.”

“Oh, I didn’t know you were planning to go.”

“Cas, we do these things together. Why can’t you accept that?”

Cas shook his head. “I thought you were working tomorrow. That’s all.”

“That’s not all. You do this every time. When have I missed one of their appointments?”

Stepping out of Dean’s arms, he said, “We have to get back to our regular lives at some point. I just thought…”

“What? That I’m just going to move on and live as if nothing changed. And what about you? You don’t even talk about work.”

“Dammit, Dean. I don’t want to have this discussion at two o’clock in the morning.”

“When do you want to? Because from where I’m standing you refuse to talk about anything at any time. We all lost them. We are all grieving. You think I don’t have guilt. If I had insisted on her taking the raise and the bonus sooner, they wouldn’t have been living there. But you know what, swimming in that guilt doesn’t achieve a damn thing. They are still gone, and we are still here. And those kids need us. They need you. I need you.”

Dropping his head into his hands, Cas said, forcefully, “It’s not the same.”

“What isn’t?” asked Dean.

“Our guilt. You weren’t there. You didn’t see what…I could have done -”

“Cas,” said Dean, effectively cutting off Cas. “You did everything you could.”

“How do you know?”

“Because I know you. And because I talked to Garth and Donna.”

“They weren’t inside the house.”

“Is there something you’re not telling me?” asked Dean. His voice quaked with hurt and confusion.

Cas walked over to their bed and stared down at the rumpled bedding. “I told you what I could. The rest…I just can’t.”

“If you can’t tell me, you need to talk to someone else.”

The problem was Cas didn’t want to talk about those events. He didn’t want to think about that day, and especially his last moments in that house. The sound and heat. The smoke and smell. Despite his efforts, he dragged them around with him every day. They haunted him in his dreams and plagued him in his waking hours. He didn’t want Dean to know how damaged he was by it all. He didn’t want him to know what a coward he had been that day. He didn’t want to face himself in the mirror. He didn’t want to be the man he now was. A man who ran back into the fire to find his friend only to turn back.

He felt the shiver run through his body and knew he could not escape the memory. It hit full force. He felt the heat and saw the haze of smoke. He heard the roar of the flames, and then the smell hit him. Suddenly, he was standing near the stairs, but he was no longer at home. He was there. The place he never wanted to be.

_The rush of flame hit him as he stepped near the stairs. He could only see the first few steps. The others were shrouded in smoke and flame. He walked up them despite his trepidation. As he looked down, he saw the blood all over his uniform. He felt a wave of nausea and forced himself to look away from his own hands and into the yawning smoke. It eased the sick feeling in his stomach but did nothing to ease the tension and the fear which was beginning to consume him. He shook himself and demanded himself to stay alert. He called out for Benny but received no response. _

_He took two more steps, knowing all the while that he should have never reentered the house. It was unsafe and essentially lost to the fire and had been since he pulled Rhonda out. None of those facts mattered to him in the moment because all his mind could focus on was finding her husband. Find Benny and bring him out. He repeated the words to himself as he continued his search. His foot banged into something as he tried to avoid the worst damage. He dropped down to get a better look. Before he could stop himself, he was reaching out for his friend. The fragments of shirt he made contact with fell away with his touch. Rhonda’s blood on his hands was now joined by the burned clothes and flesh of her husband. He stared at his hand and then felt the vomit rise in his throat. He turned and stumbled down the stairs. He barely made it out the door before he was ripping off his mask and vomiting on the sidewalk. He stood up on shaky legs and rushed away from the building as he heard the sound of falling timbers. _

Cas felt his legs quake under him, and he reached out for something to steady himself against. When a hand grabbed him firmly, he fully emerged from the vision. Dean pulled him back against him. “I’ve got you, sweetheart.” Cas gave into Dean’s hold and let him take his weight.

As he assessed himself, he realized he was standing in the hallway. He was clammy and his heart was racing. His breathing was slightly erratic, so he slowed it down by breathing in through his nose and out through his mouth. He could feel Dean’s breath on his neck, matching his rhythm. It was comforting and Cas wanted to soak it in, but he knew he didn’t deserve it. He was a coward. He abandoned his friend to the fire because he couldn’t handle his job. He failed, and there was no talking his way out of that fact. He wondered how Dean would feel about him if he knew the truth. It was that thought which made him stand up and step away from his husband.

“Cas, please,” Dean said as he tried to pull Cas back against him. “Talk to me. What just happened?”

Closing his eyes, pain streaking across his chest, Cas said, “I can’t. Don’t ask that of me.”

“You’re in pain, and I don’t know what to do.”

“There isn’t anything you can do. This isn’t something that you can fix.” Cas knew his voice was flat and that he had fallen back into the emotionless state he found most comfortable these days. It was the only place he could find peace. He knew it wasn’t a healthy place, but he didn’t have the strength to find another way. “Just give me time.” Cas felt Dean’s frustration and his fear as if they were tangible. He knew how much he was hurting his husband and how he was damaging their marriage. It added to the already overwhelming feelings of guilt. In a way, he wished Dean would keep pushing, but as usual, Dean simply sighed and said, “Whatever you need.” He heard Dean’s retreating steps and didn’t turn until he heard the door to their bedroom close.

Instead of joining Dean, he went to check on the baby. It had only been a few days since they moved him to the nursery, and Cas couldn’t help but worry about him. He was still so small and vulnerable and moving him from their bedroom to the newly finished nursery had been difficult for both Dean and Cas. It was only after Mary and Missouri talked to them separately that they had each agreed. Even though he knew it had to be done, he had ended up in the nursery, standing next to the crib every night since the move. He watched him breathe and always ran a soft hand over his forehead. It was the touch he allowed himself because every instinct inside him wanted to lift the baby and hold him through the night.

After completing his now nightly ritual, he went back to his room. He could tell Dean had given up waiting for him and had fallen back asleep. It pained him to realize it was one of the reasons he waited to come back to bed. For when Dean slept, Cas let himself seek the comfort of his husband’s body. He laid the full length of his body against Dean, tucking himself tight against his back. Dean never woke, but his body always leaned back into the contact and tonight was no exception. Cas sighed and kissed the back of Dean’s neck. “God, I love you,” he whispered as a tear rolled down his cheek. His safe space was here in their bedroom, wrapped around his husband, in the dark of night, when no one - not even Dean - could see how broken Cas was and how much he needed the man in his arms. It was here that Cas could succumb, that he could seek the solace he so needed, and that he could, for a few moments, let go of his grief to feel love. He kissed Dean one more time before he closed his eyes, hoping for a dreamless sleep.

Dean hated watching Cas beat himself up and hated how distant he had become. But most of all he hated that his best friend could not confide in him. That he didn’t trust him enough to tell him what happened. It was just like when he was kicked out and chose to be homeless instead of coming to Dean. He thought as an adult he might be able to understand it better, but it was actually worse because they were more than friends. They had declared their love for each other in front of all their friends and family. They had built a life together, and he never imagined Cas would pull away in such a fashion. He knew he was being selfish about the whole situation because whatever Cas witnessed that day had profoundly affected the man. Sam told him he needed to be patient, as did Garth and Donna. The two firefighters talked about how they were both still struggling. For some reason, Dean couldn’t focus on that part of the conversation because he got stuck on the fact they were both back at work. Sam read him the riot act for assuming Cas should be following the same pattern.

_“Cas was the one in the house, Dean. Garth has reiterated that to you, how many times? And Garth and Donna did not become the guardians of three kids. They didn’t spend countless hours, days, and weeks in the hospital watching one of those kids fighting for his life. How can you expect them to react the same? There is no way Cas should be back at work.”_

_Dean dropped his head into his hands. “I know that, but nothing else seems to be helping him heal. He has that same haunted expression in his eyes he had those first days in the hospital.”_

_Pulling Dean’s hands away from his face, Sam said, “Benjamin just came home from the hospital. You both need to time to adjust to this new situation. Give yourselves that time. Give him that time.”_

Almost two months had passed since that conversation. He had seen some improvement. Cas at least sought out his touch on the rare occasions he came to their bed. Although he only seemed to do it when he thought Dean was asleep, which perplexed the hell out him. But he chose not to question it and just soak in the contact. Touch, such a large part of their relationship since Dean confessed his love, was for the most part off the table. Cas tried, yet Dean could read the turmoil in his husband. He could see how tense it made him to accept any touch. And not just from Dean. He tensed when anyone hugged him except the kids. Somehow, he managed to accept their hugs and their contact. When he held Benjamin, there was no reservation. It was why Dean found himself watching Cas in those moments. Needing to see his husband was still in there somewhere. And maybe, just maybe, he was working his way back to him.

Several nights in a row, Cas had crawled into bed, well after midnight, and curled up to Dean, kissing his neck. There was no hesitation when he did it, and Dean internally breathed a sigh of relief. He decided to talk to Sam about the situation. Sam, who had chosen not to leave in the wake of the fire, turning down the research fellowship to focus on his family. To be there for Dean in his darkest moments. They met for lunch at Millie’s, after having avoided the place for the first months after the fire. Dean had finally hired a new manager, and the changes he made seemed to breathe fresh air into the place. It didn’t feel stifling anymore. However, Cas had yet to come and see the changes. Dean hoped that would soon change.

“So, Cas has…I don’t know how to put it because it’s not anything overt, but something is changing.”

Sam set his sandwich down. “Something must have made you think that.”

“Well, he sleeps next to me and even wraps his arms around me sometimes,” Dean said shyly. “He’s even kissed my neck a few times.” Sam’s face morphed through a series of expressions. He seemed to be trying to hide his dismay, but he was failing miserably. “What?” asked Dean angrily.

“Um…are you telling me you two haven’t been…”

“Having sex? Touching? Kissing?” Dean asked with sarcasm. “Yes, to all of the above.”

“Oh, I didn’t realize.”

“Yeah, well, I didn’t really want to talk about it. I mean, at first, it made sense. We hardly slept in the same bed that first month after the fire. And then, Benjamin was in our room and was up a lot during the night. It’s been difficult to carve out time for each other, and…” Dean cringed at the path his thoughts were taking. He didn’t want to admit out loud how bad things had gotten between him and Cas but holding it in was killing him. His thoughts were interrupted by Sam.

“And what?” asked Sam. “You know you can talk to me about anything, Dean.”

He did know that, but it didn’t make it any easier to actually do it. Taking a deep breath, he brought his mind back to the heart of the issue. “He won’t talk to me. He shies away from my touch, not as often as right after the fire, but it still happens. At times, he avoids me, and everyone keeps telling me to give him time. But how long is too long? How much distance is too much? I’m afraid we’re losing each other. We’ve already lost that thing we have.”

Sam looked pained by Dean’s words, and his voice came out strained. “It’s not gone. It may be hard to see, but you and Cas…no, I can’t believe you won’t come through this stronger than you were before.” Dean sighed heavily as he shook his head. “No, Dean. I mean it. That thing you have won’t just go away. You’ve seen Cas like this before, and you helped pull him out of it. Have faith that you can do it again.”

A big part of him latched onto Sam’s words, clinging to the idea with all his strength, but a small part couldn’t stop shoving his doubts forward. He tried to quell the pessimistic voice, and so he smiled at his brother. “Yeah, okay,” he said with a slight quaver. Swallowing, he said more forcefully, “I can do that.”

Putting faith in himself and in their relationship seemed to be helping until he was awoken by Cas’s panicked voice. As he raced toward the sound, his heart beat wildly because even in those terrible days in the hospital Cas never sounded this broken or worried. When he reached the nursery, he saw Cas performing CPR on Benjamin, and it felt like the ground dropped out from under him. He stumbled his way over to Cas and looked down at the too still baby. Even as he felt frozen by the sight, he pulled out his phone. By rote, he called 911 and answered all their questions. Before they arrived, he was able to relay some good news. Benjamin had started breathing again. It wasn’t long before the paramedics were taking him out of the house and loading him into the ambulance. Dean watched as Cas joined them. The terrified look his husband gave him, finally awakened him from his own terror-filled stupor. He called out to Cas and raced to his car.

He followed the ambulance, not caring if he was following road regulations. He arrived just behind them and parked in a rush. He was out the door and in the hospital in time to join Cas. It felt so familiar and yet so surreal. They had been through this numerous times but not since Benjamin came home. The familiarity was in the way Cas didn’t reach for him. In the formal way his husband talked to the doctors. In the rigid line of his back and the tightness of his jaw. Cas gave an outward appearance of calm, but Dean could see how much this moment hurt. He could sense the fear and feel the pain his husband was fighting to hide. He wanted to reach out and hold Cas. He wanted to seek and give comfort, but once again he didn’t know if it would be welcome. Every other time Cas displayed this behavior, Dean’s touch and support were unwelcome. So, as usual, he was left to wait and hope. Hope, at some point, his husband would accept his help and his love and would give both in return.

Fortunately, Benjamin was deemed stable, despite his slight fever. He only stayed in the hospital two nights and only so they could monitor the fever and his breathing. There was no exact reason for the episode other than the fact he was a preemie and these things sometimes happen. Even though they were back home in such a short time, it brought back the memories of those first weeks in the hospital. Rhonda had been kept alive until they could deliver the baby. The odds were stacked so high against him they were told to prepare for the worst. The entire first week was filled with mostly negative news. His lungs are too weak. His heart isn’t beating properly. It was horrifying to see him hooked up to all the machines. His body looked too thin, too pale and just too plain small to survive. The doctors assured them he was fighting, but when his stats kept dropping it was hard to believe them. It was all too much at times.

There were legal procedures, medical decisions, and funerals to deal with on top of the overwhelming grief and fear they suffered every day. Cas was a shell of a person, but he found some inner strength when it came to Benjamin. He refused to leave the hospital. He sat with the little boy in the NICU, once he himself was cleared by the doctors, for days on end. It had given Dean the opportunity to deal with all the other shit, including the painful moment he had to tell Beth and Alex their parents were gone. It was the worst moment of Dean’s life. And it didn’t end there. Dean was the one who moved them into the house. He was the one who held their hands at the funeral. He was the one who hugged them as they cried. And all the while Cas stayed with the baby. He barely ate, and only shaved and showered because it was safer for Benjamin.

Dean had accepted the necessity in the first week and even into the start of the second. They each had responsibilities, and it was easier to divide and conquer. When it reached day fourteen, he began to wonder if they weren’t making a mistake. Beth and Alex wanted Uncle Cas. They asked for him often, and Dean had run out of excuses. As for Dean himself, he missed his husband, and the distance between them had become cavernous. The longer they remained apart the more Cas became an emotionless soldier. It had worried Dean, but Cas refused to talk about any of it. He couldn’t see past the hospital and the baby who couldn’t leave it.

Standing in the doorway as they listened to the discharge instructions for Benjamin, Dean could see glimpses of that soldier. This time it was his turn to refuse. He refused to let the progress they made go. He refused to let his husband fall back into the place where he buried his emotions. He refused to see the man he loved fade away again. So he stepped into the hall and pulled out his phone. His voice was shaky as he asked for help. He calmed somewhat when he made the second call. The responses he received were comforting in their fierceness and determination. He knew he had made the right decision as the vice in his chest loosened.

The two women did not wait. They were at the house when they arrived home, and Cas was immediately whisked away.


	12. Chapter 12

Trying to get comfortable for the impending conversation, Cas leaned back into the couch. It was recently reupholstered for the third time. When asked why she didn’t just replace the whole thing, Missouri would insist the bones of the couch were better than any junk they built now. Cas had to concede she was probably correct. Only two months ago, Dean had to replace their hand-mixer. They were now on their fourth, while Missouri still had the one, she bought in college. As he looked around the room, he saw how much she had held onto over the years. It was a comfort and had been since the day he moved in with her. He wished he could feel the effect now, but he remained frustrated and tense. He should be home with the baby.

“Don’t you worry about Benjamin. He is in good hands,” said Missouri as she set down the tea tray. She handed Mary a cup before sitting down on the couch next to Castiel. “And this isn’t an inquisition so you can relax. Mary and I are here to help.”

“Mama, I’m fine.”

“Baby, you are not even close to fine and neither is your family. They are falling apart. Your husband is crumbling, and you are refusing to see it.”

Cas shook his head, ready to deny it outright, but a nagging voice told him she was right. He looked down at his hands, clenched in his lap. “It’s not that bad.”

“How would you know?” asked Mary. “You’ve shut yourself off from him and buried yourself in taking care of Benjamin.” Cas flinched. “Oh, Cas. I’m not trying to hurt you. We just need you to open your eyes and see what’s happening. We love you, and it hurts all of us to see you struggling this way.”

There was an ache in his chest, making him want to flee. He remained on the couch because he was bracketed by the two most important women in his life, and at the very least, he owed it to them to listen. “I don’t know what to tell you.”

Missouri reached out and took his hand. “Whatever you need to say. We will never understand exactly what you went through, but we are here to listen. Avoiding the topic and hiding are not helping. I know deep down you see that. You did the very same thing after you first moved in with me, but you found your way back to us.”

“That was different,” argued Cas.

“How?” asked Missouri.

“I didn’t let anyone die.”

“Oh, Cas. You didn’t let anyone die. It was a tragic fire that took Benny and Rhonda from us. Not you.”

Cas shook his head and pulled his hand free. He stood up and stepped away from the couch. “How would you know? You weren’t in that house. You didn’t see what I saw or what I did.”

“You’re right, we didn’t. We weren’t the ones to carry those kids to safety. We weren’t the ones who got Rhonda out of the house and to the paramedics. We didn’t run back into the fray to save others and put out the fire. That was you, Cas.”

“I didn’t do enough. I left Benny there to burn,” said Cas plaintively.

Mary stood up and crossed the room. She gripped him by the shoulder and turned him to face her. “You did no such thing. Benny died of smoke inhalation. He died because he wouldn’t leave Rhonda behind. He died to save her. He entrusted you with her, and you got her to safety. No one, especially not Benny, would ask more of you.”

Cas’s eyes glistened with tears as he dropped his head toward his chest. “I want to believe that. I truly do, but…”

“No, Castiel, no buts. These are not suggestions or wishful thinking. These are facts. And there are other facts you need to see clearly. Now come back and sit down,” said Missouri.

A quick nudge from Mary made him move toward the couch. He picked up his forgotten tea and drank half of it in one go before asking, “What are these facts?”

“Sam needs his brother, and that means you. He even said he misses all your innuendos. We all need our Cas back. Dean needs his husband back. We need our son back, and those kids need you, the real you. They need their father.”

Cas snapped his head up and glared at Missouri. “I am not their father. Benny is their father.”

“Benny is gone. You and Dean are the only fathers Benjamin will ever know. And as far as Alex and Beth, Benny will always be their dad, but so will you and Dean. It is a choice Benny and Rhonda made and that you and Dean agreed to. There is no denying it. It is written down and notarized. These were choices you all made. They chose you, and you chose those kids.” She stopped to pour herself some more tea.

The silence did not last as Mary picked up where Missouri left off. “And you need to choose them every day going forward. You need to choose them over your grief and your guilt. You need to choose to hold your husband again. You need to let him love you and love him in return. Because if you don’t, it will crack and crumble. Just as there is no denying your new role as a father, there is no denying what is happening inside the walls of your house. Everyone always said Dean was the glue that held us all together, but there is no Dean without you. It’s like the light left his life. I need to see that light back in his eyes, Castiel, and you are the only one who can make it happen.”

Tears were streaming down Mary’s face, and it was the first time Cas really let himself look at his behavior since the fire. On the day of the funeral he had made excuses to stay at the hospital despite several people offering to stay with Benjamin. From inside the NICU, Cas had watched as Dean’s face fell.

_“Cas, you need to go with Dean and the kids,” pleaded Inias. “I promise I will stay with him the entire time.” _

_Shaking his head, Cas turned away from his friend. “I can’t leave him. He is my responsibility.”_

_“What about Beth and Alex? And Dean? They need you, too.”_

_“Dean can handle it. Besides, he’ll have plenty of help,” said Cas, refusing to face Inias._

_He heard Inias sigh, and then a faint, “You’re making a mistake.” _

_Before Cas could argue, Inias was gone. He turned and saw his friend talking to Dean. There was a hopeful look on Dean’s face that quickly melted away. It morphed into sadness and pain. Cas didn’t want to see more, but he couldn’t stop watching. He stared at Dean as he closed his eyes and heaved a breath. He observed his husband paint on a fake smile and thank Inias before stiffly turning and walking away. Cas watched Dean’s retreating back and knew he was to blame for the pain he had seen. Instead of letting himself feel, he let the numbness sweep back over him. _

Another memory swept in, and Cas was unable to stop it. They were standing outside the hospital on the night of the funeral.

_Tears welled in Dean’s eyes. “It was so hard standing there with their little hands in mine. I wanted to grab them and run.” Dean stepped closer to Cas and reached for him._

_Cas jerked back and crossed his arms defensively. The shock and pain etched on Dean’s face was worse than any he had seen previously. Worse than his expression just that morning. Worse even than when the doctor told them about Rhonda. And Castiel was responsible for it. Knowing it didn’t change anything. He didn’t step forward and hold Dean. He didn’t touch him or comfort him. He didn’t even bother to apologize. He didn’t say a word, so Dean stuffed his hands in his pockets and continued talking about the funeral._

_None of it registered with Cas. He tuned out the second Dean resumed talking. He ignored his husband’s tears and his needs. Mumbled an '_I love you'_ when Dean said it to him, and barely acknowledged him when they parted. _

Image after image slammed into him. All the times he avoided Dean, ignored Dean. All the times he flinched or pulled away. All the expressions on his husband’s face. How they had gone from shock and pain to resignation as if he knew it was coming. As if Dean knew he had lost the right to touch his husband. A sob tore threw him, as if the dam had broken. Nothing could stop his mind from the torrent. Not since the first time Dean said, _I love you,_ had Cas ever denied his touch. Not even when they were fighting. And if Cas was being honest with himself, he hadn’t denied it before they became a couple. He let Dean seek comfort in him. He let him hug him and crawl in his lap. He let him lay with him even when it increased the ache inside, wishing they were more to each other. So why, when his husband needed him most had he pulled away? Why had he denied him the touch he knew Dean craved? Why had he denied himself the very same touch? He had taken a central part of who they were and buried it behind a wall of guilt.

Another sob wrenched from his throat, and he began to shake. It was then he realized he was being held as he cried. The soothing voice of his mother broke through his tears. “It’s okay, baby. Let it all out.”

“Mama, I hurt h-”

“Shh. Shh. None of that now. There has been enough blame and guilt. Just let it go, Castiel.” And he did. He had no idea how long it went on, but by the time his tears subsided, his mother’s shirt was wet and his head ached. His eyes were red and puffy, and his nose felt clogged.

“Here,” said Mary in a gentle voice. He felt the touch of a tissue on his hand. “I think you could use this.”

After he blew his nose, he felt slightly better. “I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for. It was time for you to start grieving.”

He bit his bottom lip and then swiped at the remaining tears in his eyes. “I hadn’t cried, not once. Did you know that? How is that possible? They were our closest friends. They were basically family, and I didn’t shed a tear. And what I’ve done to Dean…I need to go.” He stood up abruptly. “I have to talk to him. I…where are my keys?” He frantically searched his pockets.

“Castiel, stop. Slow down. Remember we drove you here,” stated Mary. “We will take you home.”

As they pulled up to the house, Cas’s hands shook and his stomach knotted. Facing Dean after the realizations of the past hour was nerve-wracking. And nerves were not part of Cas’s usual repertoire. He forced himself to exit the car and follow Mary and Missouri to the house. The sound of Benjamin’s crying drifted from the living room. Any nerves Cas felt faded under his need to check on the baby. By the time he entered the room, Benjamin had ceased his crying. He was cradled in Dean’s arms and being swayed back and forth gently. Cas stopped and stared. He hadn’t experienced many similar moments. He always seemed to be leaving the room when Dean was with the baby - he never took the time to observe the way Dean held Benjamin or how he soothed him. As he remained motionless, he heard quiet singing coming from his husband. Another dam burst inside of him, and he had to choke back a sob. He knew his efforts weren’t as successful as he’d hoped when Dean lifted his head. Their eyes connected, and it felt like coming home.

There was no containing the tears. They flowed down his cheeks, visible to all. Mary moved past him, entering the living room. She walked up to Dean and took the baby. Cas couldn’t hear their whispered conversation, and so was surprised when Mary took Benjamin, and said, “Missouri, will you go and get his bag?”

“What?” His voice was raspy from crying, and his breath was ragged.

Mary walked until she was standing directly in front of him. “We are taking Benjamin for the night. Dean already arranged for Beth and Alex to spend the night with Sam. You two need privacy.” She shifted the baby to free one of her hands and squeezed Cas’s forearm. “Just talk to him.”

In a daze, he watched as Missouri came back into the room, bag in hand. She pulled him in for a hug and whispered, “He loves you and you love him. That’s all that matters.” With those words, she let him go and walked out of the room. Instinctively, he followed her to the front door. He placed a gentle kiss on Benjamin’s forehead, and then they were gone. And, he thought, _we are alone_.

He could feel Dean’s eyes on him, and for the first time since the fire, he wanted them on him. There was no preamble. Cas simply walked toward Dean and collapsed into his open arms. Dean bore the brunt of his weight for a few heartbeats. Just the feeling of being this close to his husband sent a wave of strength cascading over him. He straightened, putting his weight back on his own feet. He tightened his hold, shifting their positions slightly. Dean was now the one being held, and Cas felt the moment he gave into the familiar embrace. They both sighed. This was how it was meant to be between them. This was their safe place.

Hands sliding down Dean’s back was all it took for Dean to pull one of his legs up. Cas gripped it by the thigh and then did the same with the other. He lifted his husband into his arms and carried him to the couch. Once seated, Dean squirmed around until his legs were draped over Cas, and his head was leaning on Cas’s shoulder. “I missed you.”

“I know, and I’m so sorry,” apologized Cas as he stroked his hand through Dean’s hair. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you and the kids at the funeral. I’m sorry for denying us this.”

Dean nuzzled Cas’s neck. “I have to admit not having this is what I struggled with the most. Touching you is…fuck, it’s the best part of my day.”

“I feel the same.”

“Then why?” asked Dean, voice tight with emotion.

“Because I feel so guilty, and I don’t think I deserve it. Or you.”

Without warning, Dean straddled Cas and held his face in his hands. “You are the love of my life. There is nothing that will ever make you unworthy of that. We are better together. Always have been, always will be. And maybe right now you can’t see it, but I will keep telling you until you believe me. And I’ll keep telling you all the days after.”

Dean closed the space between them. The kiss was hard and demanding. It was filled with every ounce of Dean’s conviction and his love. Cas didn’t flinch or pull away. He let Dean take what he needed. When they stopped to take a breath, Dean pulled back just enough so they could make eye contact. Cas let Dean look his fill before he said, “What do you want, my love?”

It took but a moment for Dean’s eyes to spill over with tears as his body shuddered. Cas slid his hands up Dean’s body. He gripped him by the back of the neck and the shoulder. His touch seemed to ground Dean. His body stopped shaking enough for him to say, “I thought I’d never hear that again.”

“Oh,” whispered Cas. The word had slipped out, but in the end, it was all he could think to say. Instead of speaking further, he gripped Dean tighter and waited for his husband to talk.

“I have heard those words, _what do you want_, countless times, and every time it brings me a joy I can’t even hope to explain. And when you say, _my love_, it is the greatest feeling in the world.” More tears slid down his cheeks. “For over two months I haven’t heard you utter either of those things. I thought…” Dean choked back a sob but let it out when Cas pulled him flush against him. It took several deep breaths for him to calm.

“I never stopped thinking of you as, my love. That is inherent in who you are to me. As for the other, I just didn’t know how to ask the question because I didn’t know if I could fulfill your wants.”

“And now you do?”

Cas chuckled weakly. “The confidence I had isn’t the same, but I’m not afraid anymore.”

“You know I love when you are all badass and confident, but it isn’t why I love you. I don’t need you to tie me up or spank me. I don’t need you to command me. Simply being able to touch and kiss you is enough for me. Being near you and being allowed to show you my love. Those are the things I need.”

“Hmm…you are talking about your needs, but what I asked was about want.”

“That’s just it Cas. You always take care of me. You always ask what I want even though you’ve already figured out the answer. You know when I want to feel beautiful. You know when I want you to take control of me. You know when I want to take back that control. You have always known where to touch me and how far you can push me. Yet, you always ask that question. It’s one of the many reasons I love you.” Dean leaned down placed a gentle kiss on Cas’s lips. “And if I had to guess you know exactly what I want right now.”

Holding Dean’s gaze, Cas searched his husband’s eyes. He felt the slight movements and subtle shifts in Dean’s body. “I do.”

A bright smile lit up Dean’s face. “What gave me away?”

“I think I’ll save that discussion for later because it isn’t truly what you want in this moment.”

Dean lowered his head, resting their foreheads together, and breathed deeply. “No, it’s not. I want you, Cas. In any way you’re ready for.”

Cas felt warmth spread through his body, and it brought a smile to his lips. “Not here. Let’s go to our room.”

They clung to each other as they made their way to their bedroom. There was a sense of urgency, but neither gave into it. They took their time walking up the stairs and down the hall. Once they entered their room, they continued their slow pace. Hands and mouths roamed, but their clothes remained firmly in place. It was as if they both needed to relearn the other’s body. Cas was achingly hard, but he ignored it in favor of simply touching his husband. When he sensed Dean’s need for more, Cas directed him to the bed. They slowly undressed each other. As each item of clothing was removed, they paused to explore the newly exposed skin. It was tender, yet erotic in the best way. Dean moaned and gasped, and Cas loved every single sound.

As Cas kissed his way down Dean’s body, he would pause ever so often to give him praise. It was what his husband needed the most. Cas knew ultimately Dean wanted him inside of him. He wanted the connection only that could provide, but it was not a need. What he had failed to give his husband these last two and a half months wasn’t only touch, it was the tenderness of his words. So, he let every phrase of adoration spill from his lips. The whimpers and sighs he received were better than any moan of pleasure.

All other concerns had faded away as he worshiped the gorgeous green-eyed man. When he finally entered Dean after slowly opening him up, he was home. It was where he had always belonged.

Dean looked at him with wonder and relief. “Thank you,” he whispered.

“I missed you. I missed us,” Cas said as he waited for Dean to adjust.

Cupping Cas’s face, Dean said, “Me, too.” He pulled Cas down into a light kiss and mumbled against his lips, “I’m ready.”

Despite his own need, Cas kept up the slow pace. He made love to Dean in deep, languorous thrusts. He kissed and caressed every inch of his husband’s body he could reach. Dean cried out whenever Cas brushed the bundle of nerves inside of him. Tears were streaming down both their faces as they melded together, bodies moving as one. It was beautiful and sensual and what they both desperately needed. When they finally succumbed, it was almost simultaneous. They cried out each other’s names as they held each other closely. Neither was prepared to break the connection. Cas stayed inside of Dean as he softened. He kept his body flush against Dean, clinging to the last few seconds before he slipped out of his husband’s spent body.

They didn’t separate for a long time. They continued to touch and kiss, and Cas continued his praise.

“I love you with everything I have inside of me.” Cas ran his fingers through Dean’s sweaty hair. “You are the light in my life.” He kissed his forehead and ran his thumb along Dean’s bottom lip. “Perfect. Beautiful.”

Dean blush darkened with each statement, but he never once looked away.

“I love that you still blush from my words. I love the way you watch me, the way you let me see inside of you.”

Dean slid his hands into Cas’s hair and gripped firmly. “And I love the way you take care of me. I love how you hold me, and how you love me as I am.”

They came together once again. Lips locked in an exploratory kiss. Each letting the other take from it what they wanted. “No one kisses like you,” said Cas.

“What do you mean?”

Cas smiled lovingly at Dean. “No one puts every ounce of themselves into every kiss the way you do. The first time we kissed it took everything in my power to not stop and stare at you in awe.”

“What about you? I had never had anyone take control the way you did. It’s what tore down the wall and left me bare before you.”

Sliding his arm down, he draped it over Dean’s waist as he rolled to face him more directly. “That was beautiful. Have you been writing again?”

“Maybe,” hedged Dean. “Don’t read anything into it. It’s only when I can’t sleep.”

“You haven’t been sleeping?”

Dean sat up and slipped from the bed. He went and stood by the door. Cas feared he was going to leave, but to his surprise, Dean began pacing. “I…um…shit, this is hard. I don’t want to hurt you or make you feel like you’re to blame.”

“Just tell me.”

As the pacing sped up, Dean kept his eyes averted. “No, I haven’t slept well ever since the fire. At first, it was the dreams. But now it’s when you stay away. I can’t sleep in this bed alone. Every time I lay down and you aren’t there, I’m reminded of how broken we are. Some nights I can’t take the silence and loneliness, and I give up and go downstairs to the couch. Watching TV fixed the silence but did nothing for the loneliness, so I started writing. I’m not sure it’s really helping with the whole sleeping thing, but it does help calm me at times.”

Not willing to let Dean wear a hole in the carpet, Cas left the security of their bed. A place he hadn’t allowed himself to seek comfort much since the fire. It took only a few strides for him to reach Dean. He stood in front of his husband and stopped his pacing with a grip on his shoulders. “Dean, please try to relax. I know I haven’t given you cause to confide in me or rely on me in the last couple months, but I don’t want you to hold anything back or feel bad about telling me the truth. If you aren’t sleeping because I am not with you, I should know that. I need to know that.” Lifting Dean’s chin, he waited until worried green eyes met his concerned blue ones. “Okay?”

“Okay, Cas.”

“I’m not sleeping either. Some days I don’t even try. I think it’s time I stop sleeping elsewhere.”

“Thank God,” exclaimed Dean. “You mean now, right? And you’re going to stop sneaking in and out while you think I’m asleep.”

“Yes, Dean, I…wait you know ab–” He stopped as Dean grabbed his hand and pulled him to the bed. He crawled onto the bed, pulling Cas with him. Cas was barely able to take a breath before Dean wrapped his body around him. They both breathed a sigh of relief.

“This feels so good.”

“Yes, it does.”

It was hours later when Dean awoke, the light of dawn peeking in the window. Feeling rested and not wanting to disturb Cas, he chose to extricate himself from his husband’s arms. He gingerly left the room and made his way down the stairs. Upon entering the office, he opened the bottom drawer of the desk. A stack of journals filled the space. He picked up the first two. One filled with his thoughts. The other filled with stories of a winged guardian. Needing to see and hear Cas, he carried them back to the bedroom. As he sat down in the cushioned rocking chair near the window, he smiled at the bed. He could hear steady breathing and caught a glimpse of Cas’s messy dark hair. It eased his mind and his heart. When he opened his journal and began to write, he didn’t feel sadness for the first time since the fire. He felt hope as his pen flew across the page.

He wrote for an hour without stopping. He wrote about Cas’s smile and how it brightened every dark corner of his world. He wrote of his lover’s touch and how it awakened his soul. He wrote of Castiel’s love and how it opened his heart. But embedded within those words was a feeling of loss. A tinge of worry. The thought drew his eyes back to the bed and the sleeping form of his husband. They had come together after so long apart. It was wonderful and soothing, but what did it mean going forward. What did it fix?

He flipped back to the week prior and began to read.

_It seems as if he never looks at me. It’s almost as if he looks straight through me. Not in the way he used to stare at me, seeking to understand. There is a vacancy in his eyes especially when he is around me. I am at a loss. I don’t know how to help him. Giving him space. What does it even mean? Really? How does not talking and not being together help? It certainly doesn’t help me. I fucking need him, and he’s gone. Today was a step back. Not that there had been a vast improvement up to this point. But today felt like the day after the funeral. The one where he refused to see me or even accept my calls. _

_And today, I needed to talk to him, and when I told him, he shook his head and walked away. Unless I’m talking about the kids, he has taken to ignoring me. I no longer fit into whatever equation he has formulated in his mind. I think I might need to accept this is our future. Two men, two parents, who work around each other, not with each other. Husbands in name only. _

_The expression on his face when I tried to stop him from leaving. The way he stared at my hand on his arm. The way he shimmied it out from under my grasp and cradled it against his body. Yeah, I would say it pretty much signaled how he feels about us. He doesn’t want my touch anymore. He doesn’t want my comfort. I’m not sure if it would be better for me to just go. But, no, I can’t. It would only further devastate Beth and Alex. And the upheaval may hurt Benjamin’s health. Thinking this way is foolish. Benny and Rhonda entrusted Cas and me with their children. There is enough guilt to go around without adding more by dishonoring their wishes. _

_It’s strange sitting here at night, alone… _

“Dean.”

The cry from the bed pulled him from his reading. Cas was searching for him in the bed. Reaching for him. He sighed brokenly when he pulled his hands to his chest.

“I’m here, Cas,” said Dean as he set his journal aside.

“I thought you left.” He sat up on his elbows to look at Dean. “You couldn’t sleep,” he said sadly.

Dean shook his head and heaved himself out of the chair. He stretched his arms over his head, enjoying how Cas’s eyes zoned in on the exposed skin at his waist. “I slept great. I only woke up about an hour ago and didn’t want to disturb you.”

“You could have woken me.”

“I know, but you needed to sleep, Cas. And I was right here the whole time, listening to you breathe.”

Cas smiled shyly. “I’m glad, but it would be better if you came back to bed, and I could touch you.”

Dean couldn’t believe what a simple smile could do. It lit up every nerve-ending in his body. It felt like the sun was shining on him and the day dawned just for them. He felt his smile bloom as his body automatically responded to Cas’s words. He was in the bed and plastered over his husband in seconds. Cas nuzzled his neck, laving kisses along his jaw and behind his ear. Dean’s body tingled with a rush of emotion and desire. “What do you want?” he asked. Hijacking the phrase from his husband.

“Just you,” whispered Cas.

This time it was Dean’s turn to read his husband. And he knew, from the tone and open wound he could see in Cas’s eyes, sex was not what he needed. He shifted until he had Cas cradled in his arms. He began whispering to him. Reliving powerful memories. Ones filled with happiness, but also ones of pain. Those he told to remind Cas of how they had overcome. How they had supported each other at every turn. Cas laughed and cried and began to tell his own stories. Dean peppered him with kisses and soothed him with a gentle hand in his hair. “This is who we are,” he said with awe. “This is who we need to be.”

Cas didn’t say anything for a long while, and Dean began to worry. When he did finally speak, the plea was said so quietly Dean had to strain to hear it. “Don’t give up on me.”

“Never,” said Dean with conviction.

After a long shower together, they made breakfast. It was a silent meal, but it wasn’t unnerving or uncomfortable. It was filled with small smiles and prolonged eye contact. It was where Beth and Alex found them when they ran into the house ahead of Sam.

“Sorry, I held them off as long as I could.”

“It’s fine, Sammy. We were just finishing up,” said Dean as Alex crawled into his lap. “Hey, little man.”

Alex snuggled up tight and said, “I’m hungry.”

Sam looked at Alex and then Dean. “We had breakfast, but he didn’t eat much.”

Leaving his seat, Cas walked over to turn the stove back on. “What about you, young lady?” The usually boisterous Beth had grown quiet since her parents’ deaths, but she always remained in close contact. After standing right next to Cas at the table, she had followed him to the kitchen. He smiled down at her and ran his hand down her long, auburn hair, which was so like her mother’s.

She smiled, and Cas noted how it reached her eyes. He looked back at Dean to see him smiling widely at them.

“I could eat.”

The three adults in the room jerked their heads in her direction. Cas smirked, “When did you turn into Uncle Dean?” She simply shrugged which made Cas chuckle. “Eggs coming up.”

Sam stuck around through the second breakfast of the morning. They all laughed and joked, and it was the most relaxed their home had felt since they lost their friends. Dean walked Sam to the door. He sensed Cas and the kids’ presence behind him. And for once he wasn’t worried Cas would be gone when he turned around. Sam patted him on the shoulder. “It’s good to see you two smiling.”

“It’s a start,” stated Dean. “I’ll call you tomorrow about lunch.”

Sam nodded. “Bye, guys,” he said as he waved.

Dean shut the door and turned around to face his family. “What should we do before Benjamin gets home?”

“Let’s play a game,” answered Cas.

Beth stared at him with a wide-eyed expression while Alex took off for the game cabinet. “Do you really want to play with us?” she asked nervously.

“Yes, I do.” She wrapped her arms around his waist and beamed up at him. “I love you, Beth,” he said as he looked down into her eyes.

“Love you, too, Uncle Cas.”

Alex came rushing back at them with his small arms full of games. His smile was as wide as his sister’s, and it made Cas realize just how little they smiled these days. He ruffled Alex’s thick brown hair before taking the games from him. “Which one do you want to play first?”

“_Sorry_.”

“Oh, come on,” whined Dean. “I hate that game. Cas plays so dirty.” Cas raised an eyebrow and cocked his head at his husband. Dean flushed under the intense look. As he went to sit down, Dean whispered in Cas’s ear. “That hasn’t changed.”

“Neither has your reaction,” responded Cas in a throaty whisper.

“Love you,” Dean said after kissing Cas on the cheek.

“I love you, too,” said Cas. Alex started bouncing up and down on his seat. Cas looked at him and grinned. “I love you, too, Alex.”

Alex rushed over to his uncle and gave him a giant hug. When he let go, he said, “Can we play now?”

“Sure, buddy,” answered Dean.

Hours later, with all three kids tucked in bed, Cas left Dean in the kitchen and went up to their room. He needed a few minutes to himself. Instead of just leaving Dean, he had explained what he was feeling. Dean promised to give him a few minutes to himself. He could hear Dean puttering around the house. It was a reassuring sound, so he kept the bedroom door open. As he went to sit in the rocking chair, he knocked Dean’s journal off the small side table. He reached down to pick it up. It fell open in his hand. Without thinking he began reading.

_It’s strange sitting here at night,_ _alone__ in the darkness. Knowing Cas is sitting upstairs in Benjamin’s room. Knowing it is where he will stay until the baby wakes. Knowing the big, beautiful bed we so painstakingly picked out together is empty. Again. It seems so wasteful. Maybe if I offer to put a bed in the office for myself, he would sleep in the bedroom. _

_Maybe I can at least give the love of my life that. He won’t accept anything else I offer, but if I could do this one thing. Maybe, just maybe, it would make a difference. I think sometimes I am fooling myself. I am so afraid I won’t get him back. It makes my chest ache, fighting back tears all the time. I don’t know how many more nights I can cry myself to sleep before I except what has happened to us. I wish I could make him see what I see. I wish he would accept my love. _

_Dammit, tears again. How many of these pages are covered in my tears? Too many to count. It is…_

“What are you doing?”

Cas slammed the journal closed. He fumbled with it as he tried to put it back on the table.

“Cas?”

“I’m sorry, Dean. I didn’t mean to read it.”

“You didn’t mean to read it. Really? That’s what you’re going with.”


	13. Chapter 13

Cas stared at Dean. Unsure of how to proceed, he remained quiet. Dean waited a few heartbeats before sitting down on the bed as close to Cas as possible. “Cas, you need to say something.”

After a deep breath, Cas said, “It fell, and when I picked it up, I saw your handwriting and just started reading. I know it was an invasion of privacy, and for that I am sorry, but I’m glad I read what I did.”

“Why is that?”

“Because we never talk about how you are or how you feel.”

Dean held out his hand. “Come here. I need to be touching you if we are going to have this conversation.” Taking the outstretched hand, Cas leveraged himself out of the chair. He sat down next to Dean, still clutching his hand. “That’s better,” said Dean.

“I’ve been so caught up in my own issues I didn’t see what this was doing to you. I wasn’t the only one to lose them. And Beth and Alex…the way they acted so surprised today. I’ve hurt them.”

“We’re all hurting, Cas. There is no getting around that, but I think we can do better. If you’re willing.”

Tension radiated through Cas, and he tightened his hold on Dean. “You mean therapy.”

“I do. Rufus pretty much ordered you to do it. And even if you aren’t sure about going back to work right now, I know you Cas, you will want to someday. Being a firefighter is part of you.” Dean stroked the back of Cas’s hand. “It’s not shameful to ask for help.”

“Who are you, and what have you done with my husband?” quipped Cas.

Dean huffed. “Sammy said basically the same thing when I agreed with him about therapy.”

“So, Sam convinced you.”

“It didn’t take much convincing. Beth hardly talks, and Alex is still waking up with nightmares. They need someone to help them through this process. We all do. Not even six months ago I was struggling with the idea of having kids, and now I am the father of three. And you…God, Cas I can’t even imagine how hard all of this is for you.”

Staring down at their entwined hands, Cas took his time. He thought about his aversion to therapy and how it was hindering his whole family’s recovery. It was time to set aside his own misgivings and be there for Dean and the kids. Not just be a body in the room but really be there. “Therapy it is.”

“Just like that?”

“Yes, Dean. Just like that.” Cas faced Dean. “It’s time for me to be a part of this family again and help heal our wounds.”

Dean rested his head on Castiel’s shoulder. “We can figure out the rest tomorrow. Right now, I need to be in this bed with you, preferably in significantly fewer clothes.”

“Of course, my love,” agreed Cas, yet he did not move. Neither did Dean. It seemed as if the world stop spinning just so they could enjoy the peace of their shared moment. When they eventually separated, they did not go far. They undressed themselves, always remaining close enough to touch or kiss. They skipped any bedtime routine and simply crawled under the covers together, skin against skin. “Do you wish to sleep?”

“Mmm…I could be persuaded to do something else,” said Dean with a sensual roll of his hips. Cas took it as the invitation Dean intended. He rolled Dean onto his back and pinned his hands above his head. Their cocks brushed against each other, making Dean groan. “What are you going to do?”

With a growl, Cas said, “I am going to fuck you into this mattress.”

Dean’s hips responded automatically, rutting up against Cas. “Hurry, please.” It was obviously the right thing to say because Cas immediately went for the lube. His fingers were at Dean’s entrance before he had even registered the bottle opening. He writhed as Cas circled his rim, moaning loudly when he slid two fingers in at once. The slight burn brought a smile to his face. He had needed the tender lovemaking earlier, but now he wanted his husband to take him. He wanted to give himself over to the pain and pleasure only Cas could elicit from him.

Sensing Dean’s desire, Cas pushed a third finger in harder than originally planned. Dean arched and then slammed his body back down on Cas hand, pulling the fingers in deeper. They both groaned at the sensation. “Please, Cas, I’m ready.”

Cas didn’t comply immediately. Instead, he plunged his tongue into Dean’s mouth just as he thrust his fingers against Dean’s prostate. Dean’s body shook from his impending orgasm. “Not yet,” said Cas as he grabbed the base of his husband’s cock. Dean nearly cried, and Cas, the sadistic bastard, held him at the edge, not letting his arousal fade. After what seemed like hours, Cas slid his fingers out and slicked up his cock. Dean nearly wept when he felt the blunt head of his husband’s cock run along the cleft of his ass. When Cas finally pressed just the head of his cock inside, the tears fell from Dean’s eyes.

“I never cried during sex until you,” Dean complained, cheeks flushed with arousal and embarrassment.

“It’s beautiful.”

“Yeah, yeah. I thought you were going to fuck me into the mattress.” Before he even finished his sentence, Cas pounded into him, keeping his promise. He pulled Dean’s leg up to get better leverage and proceeded to fuck him hard and fast. Thrust after thrust hit home perfectly. Dean knew he was a mess of pre-come, sweat, and tears, but he didn’t care. All he cared about was the gorgeous man above him and the long, thick cock inside of him. He let every sensation wash over him in wave after wave. He didn’t temper any sound or try to hinder any of his movements. He let his body go. He let his husband fulfill his promise. And when Cas took his cock in hand, he practically screamed. Three quick strokes and he was painting his chest with his release. Just as he thought he was finished, Cas hit his prostrate, on an especially hard thrust, and his body convulsed as he came again. “Fuck,” he groaned. Oversensitive, but not ready for it to be over, he tipped his hips up. “Finish it.”

Cas fucked him with intent, eyes glued to Dean’s. They only closed when his body shook with his orgasm. Dean held him through the aftershocks, kissing his sweaty forehead and running his hands down his back, all the while missing his husband’s deep blue eyes and the love he had seen there. As if hearing his thoughts, Cas lifted his head and brought those blue eyes back to Dean. “I don’t know how I have gone without that.”

“Good, huh?”

“More than good.” Cas leaned forward, giving Dean a lazy kiss. “You’re amazing.”

“Not so bad yourself, sweetheart.”

Cas lowered his head to Dean’s chest. “If that is the best endorsement you can muster, I have some work to do for next time.”

Pushing Cas back as he sat up slightly, Dean asked, “Next time?” He gave Cas a flirty wink and a cocky smile.

“I guarantee it will knock that cocky ass grin off your face.” Dean threw his head back and laughed. It was throaty and dramatic and everything Cas loved. He stared, enraptured by the joy Dean exhibited.

“What?” asked Dean when he found Cas staring.

“I missed your laugh.”

Dean ran his fingers along Cas’s jaw. “I missed laughing.”

Even though they had discussed therapy the next morning, no one took action for another two weeks. Alex suffering a nightmare for the third night in a row spurred them to make the call. The fire department worked with several therapists, and a friend of Ellen’s added a few others to their list. It took some time to select one who fit their unique situation. Once they met their therapist, they knew the process was worth it. Pamela Barnes put them at ease as soon as they entered the room. She was dressed casually in a band t-shirt and ripped jeans. Dean immediately liked her when he recognized the Chevy logo on one of her many rings. When he whacked Cas on the elbow to point it out, his husband rolled his eyes, even as his lips quirked up.

“Sit down, Dean,” Cas said feigning exasperation.

“Yes, Dear.”

Cas rolled his eyes again as he took the seat next to Dean. When they looked away from each other, they found Pamela smiling at them. “That’s what I like to see.”

“Spouses rolling their eyes?”

“If it’s in humor. Then, yes.” Pamela sat down across from them. “Now, if I remember our initial conversation Castiel, you have three children, two of whom will be joining us in the future.”

“Yes, and you can call me Cas.”

“Okay, Cas. Why don’t you two tell me about your family?”

It took the better part of the hour for them to tell the bare bones of their story. Cas choked up and Dean had to pick up the story or vice versa. The pain and loss were prevalent and still so raw. Pamela, for the most part, let them speak. She only interrupted a couple of times to ask for clarification.

“I would like to see all of you next time, and after that meeting, we can make a decision on how to proceed. But for now, I would also like to schedule another session with the two of you.”

Dean sat forward, pulling his hand out from under Castiel’s. “Why?”

Turning her head, Pamela set her gaze fully on Dean. “Because during your entire recitation, you both avoided talking about what issues arose in your marriage. At times the diversion was subtle, but several times you each just stopped talking as if afraid to voice it.”

Before Dean could question her further, Cas said, “She’s right, Dean. If we are going to do this, we need to be all in.”

“I wasn’t saying no, Cas. I know we need help.” He held out his hand for his husband and entangled their fingers when Cas complied. “I’ve known it since the very first time both you and Alex woke up screaming from a nightmare. And since Beth stopped talking.”

“And what about you Dean?” asked Pamela. “Why are you here?”

“My family -”

Pamela held up her hand. “I have heard about your family. I want to hear about you, now.”

“I don’t....” He looked at Cas, uncertainty in his eyes. “I want Cas to look at me how he did before the fire. I want him to welcome my touch. I want the jokes and the innuendo. The sex and the laughter. I just want my husband back. My best friend. The man I love. The person I have loved since before I understood what the damn word meant.”

“Dean,” whispered Cas, pain and adoration warring in his tear-filled eyes.

The moment dragged on without interruption from Pamela. She let them look their fill before she said, “Well, then, I think that is enough to get us started. Next time, I would like to hear from you, Cas, but for today our time is up.” They scheduled both of their upcoming appointments before thanking her and walking out hand-in-hand.

Therapy was intense, but in the end rewarding. The day they discussed the fire was filled with tears and anger. Heartbreak and misunderstanding. It was devastating when Dean and Cas realized Beth held herself to blame in much the way Castiel did. When the fire alarms had gone off, she ran to her room instead of following the plan Cas set up for them. The drill they practiced at least once a year since she could remember. Her dad must have spotted her because he had run into her room and picked her up.

“He left Mom on the ground. I was the reason we got stuck up there.”

Pamela spoke gently, but pointedly when she asked, “Do you remember when Cas talked about feeling guilty?” Beth nodded. “And what did we say?”

“That it wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault.”

“Why is that?”

Beth, hazel eyes filled with tears, stared at Pamela. “Because it was a fire and know one can…um…know what will happen.”

Pamela smiled. “Right. Fires are unpredictable.” She stopped for a second and looked at Cas.

He took his cue. He stood up and went to kneel in front of Beth. “There was nothing either of us could have done. The fire was too fast once the secondary explosion happened. We were lucky we got out.”

Beth left her seat and wrapped her arms around Castiel’s neck. “We got out,” she whispered, not for the first time and probably not the last.

“Yes, sweetheart, we did.” Cas held her tight, as first Dean, and then Alex joined them on the ground. Tears ran down all their cheeks as they gave in to their grief and their fear.

It was then Alex finally spoke. “But Mommy got out and she’s not here.” Both Cas and Dean gasped when he asked, “Why isn’t she here?” They thought they had managed to explain death to the six-year-old so he understood. After the funeral, Alex seemed to accept his parents were not coming home, but clearly somewhere along the way, they had failed him.

“Don’t,” said Pamela as she looked at Dean and Castiel. The two men looked at each other, and as they often did, they understood precisely what they had both been thinking. They gave each other a rueful smile before turning back to Pamela. Only then did the therapist address Alex. “Do you remember going to your mother and father’s funeral?” Alex nodded. “What did that mean to you?”

“I don’t know. Uncle Dean held my hand, and we said goodbye.”

“Alex,” Dean said carefully, “We said goodbye because they are gone and can’t come home.”

“Dean, we need to use the word. Speaking around it will not help.” Pamela gestured to Dean, signaling she wanted him to try again.

The sound of his swallow was audible, and new tears streamed down his cheeks. “Buddy, your mom and dad died that day. Your dad died in the house, but your mom died at the hospital after giving birth to Benjamin.”

They had all somehow migrated back onto the couch, and by the time Dean finished speaking, Alex was curled up in Cas’s lap. “But Ben came home,” the young boy said timidly.

“Your mom fought to stay alive, so he could be born,” said Cas as he made eye contact with Alex. “She was brave and amazing, but she was too injured to be saved.”

Alex stared up at Cas. “Mommy isn’t coming home.”

“No, she isn’t.”

“But we still talk about her and Daddy.”

Cas nodded, “We talk about them because we loved them and want to remember them. We want you to always remember how much they loved you.” Alex laid his head back against Castiel’s chest and released a breath. Cas felt the tautness in the young boy’s body ease as if a weight was lifted from his shoulders. Everyone appeared spent after such an emotional session, so Pamela wrapped it up. Alex remained in Cas’s arms until they reached the car. Beth walked stoically at Dean’s side, holding his hand. They climbed into the Impala, and all seemed to breathe a sigh of relief at the familiar roar of the engine. A quick stop by Mary’s to pick up Benjamin, and then they were home. Other than Benjamin’s cries, the rest of the day was relatively quiet.

When Cas crawled into bed next to his husband, Dean pulled him on top of him. “What do you need, Dean?” he asked with whispered reverence.

“Just this,” said Dean as he closed the distance between them. He pressed his mouth to Castiel’s lips ever so lightly before sweeping his tongue across them. It was a request for more, and Cas opened to him without hesitation. He let Dean map the contours of his mouth before he began his own exploration. There was love and passion, but no pressure for more. It wasn’t a precursor to sex or about seeking release. It was intimacy and connection. It was comfort and safety. It was what they had provided for each other since the first touch of their lips and bodies.

When their lips finally parted, Dean asked, “Do you remember our first kiss?”

“How could I forget?”

Dean chuckled. “It was quite memorable, but we did it all ass-backward. I should have kissed you like I did just now. It should have come first, not when we were already out of control.”

“Perhaps, but what we found in each other that night was beyond special. It was revelatory. And don’t forget the kiss we shared the next morning.”

_Cas woke first, and he stroked his hand through his lover’s hair. It was a touch he had dreamed of for over a decade. The beauty of Dean’s face in the early morning light took Cas’s breath away. Just as he hitched, Dean opened his stunning green eyes and gave Cas a lazy smile. “Hmm…mornin’.”_

_“Good morning, Dean,” Cas said as he continued running his hands through Dean’s hair. Dean closed his eyes and leaned into the touch, almost purring from the contact. _

_“I could wake up to this forever.”_

_“That is the plan,” whispered Cas. He ran his hand down to the base of Dean’s sleep warm neck, gently squeezing. _

_Dean opened his eyes and slowly licked his lips. “Want to kiss you.” There was a plea in the statement, and in the bashful way, it was delivered. Needing to give Dean what he desired, Cas brought his free hand up to cup Dean’s face. He slipped his thumb over Dean’s bottom lip, pulling it down slightly. The sound Dean made was mesmerizing. Fervent and needy. Both a groan and a whimper. And it made Cas’s heart race. When Dean’s tongue slipped out and ever so lightly touched Castiel’s thumb, they both inhaled sharply. Dean released his breath with a deep moan. And Cas could no longer resist. He rolled Dean onto his back and kissed him, swallowing his moan. Cas’s hands found Dean’s, entwining them together and pressing them to the bed, bracketing Dean’s head. They both surged into the kiss with need, tangling their tongues in desperation. Cas whispered words of love between breaths, never breaking contact with Dean’s lips. And when Dean muttered a breathy, “I love you,” Cas pulled back to gaze down at Dean. Lips red and swollen, cheeks flushed, eyes half-lidded. He was the most beautiful sight Cas had ever seen. _

“You’re picturing it, aren’t you?”

Cas ran his finger over Dean’s lips. “You were so beautiful.” Dean’s cheeks tinged with color as they so often did when Cas voiced his adoration. It only intensified his beauty in Castiel’s eyes. “Absolutely beautiful,” he said as he pressed a kiss to the corner of Dean’s mouth.

“You make me feel beautiful and sexy,” whispered Dean before he pulled Cas in for a more heated kiss. They lost themselves in the heat and touch and in the beat of each other’s heart. Healing with every shared breath and gentle caress.

Healing seemed to go in starts and stops. It was accompanied by bouts of depression and anger. At times it led to arguments. At others, it quelled their disagreements. Blending a family such as theirs was difficult on the best of days. Throw in hospitalization and death, add legalities and lawyers, mix with grief, and it turns into a giant miasma of confusion and frustration. And in the middle of it all was a tiny baby who had fought for his life and two men who had to find a way to keep him. After the legal wrangling was over, Benjamin Hurley Lafitte was to become Benjamin Hurley Winchester. The adopted son of Dean and Castiel Winchester. There should have been rejoicing at overcoming all the legal hurdles, but the adoption brought up other issues. Ones they could not seem to resolve on their own.

“When Ben was born, there was no guardianship in place for him. And Rhonda only woke up long enough to nod her agreement to file a temporary injunction for guardianship. There were no signed papers, only witness statements attesting to her agreement.” Dean’s voice shook as he spoke. “We…didn’t…”

Cas pulled Dean’s hands apart, stopping him from violently twisting them together. “Let me, my love.” Dean nodded his agreement, so Cas turned to Pamela. “Without our lawyer and Rhonda and Benny’s lawyer, we would have been lost. Adopting Benjamin was not our intention when this all started. We thought we would be all three children’s legal guardians. But the legal situation made adoption the best option.”

“Okay I think I understand the legal issues, but if the adoption is proceeding, what is the concern?” asked Pamela as she leaned forward in her chair.

“For me,” said Dean, “once the adoption is finalized there is no problem, but Cas is getting hung up on all this other shit that doesn’t matter.” 

Despite the change in tone, Cas kept hold of Dean’s hand. “Dean, this other shit does matter - what the kids will call us, the fact they will have different last names, how it makes them feel. It’s already been confusing. Alex slipped and called me dad the other day, and Sam told Beth to _go ask your dads_.”

“I don’t see why any of that is a problem. You were born to the Novaks, but you call Missouri, mama. Your parents named you Castiel and never allowed you to be called anything else. But to me you are Cas. To everyone in our lives, you are Cas. To those kids, you are Uncle Cas. It is what they chose to call you. They have always decided what to call the people in their lives, and Rhonda and Benny let them. So, if they want to change what they call us, I think we should follow Rhonda and Benny’s lead and let them.”

“And what about Benjamin?” asked Cas clearly frustrated.

“What about him?” snapped Dean.

Pamela held up her hands. “Okay, let’s all take a breath.” She waited several seconds before she said, “Cas, what do you think Benjamin should call you?”

“Beth and Alex call me Uncle Cas. I assumed Benjamin would do the same.”

Dean squeezed Castiel’s hand and tugged on it. When he saw blue eyes looking at him, he said, “Cas, we are the only parents he knows. We were there the day he was born. He is our son. I am his dad. You are his dad.”

“But-” Cas stopped abruptly when Dean shook his head. The two men silently stared at each other, communicating with their eyes and the touch of their hands.

A quiet voice broke through their shared moment. “Let me give you a scenario. A child is adopted into an already blended family. The stepchildren call their birth parent Mom or Dad, and the other parent by their name. What would the adopted child call the two parents?”

Exhaling Cas sat back with a sheepish look and looked at Dean. “We are his dads.”

“Yes, we are.”

“Now, I think for the other part of this discussion we should have the kids join us.” Pamela stood up and walked to the door. She leaned out and called for the kids.

The discussion was short and relatively easy. The major sticking point for Beth was trying to understand the difference between adoption and guardianship. Alex, on the other hand, wanted to know if Benjamin would call them both dad or if they would use something else. “My friend calls his dads, Dad and Daddy.”

Cas and Dean stared at him and then at each other. Dean shrugged and turned back to Alex. “Hadn’t really thought about that, buddy.”

“What do you two think?” Cas asked the kids. They bantered a few names back and forth. Pamela joined into the fray a few times. By the end, they had several options, but just as they planned to do with Beth and Alex, they decided to let it play out organically. And it wasn’t just the kids who played a role in the process.

“Da…da…da.”

Dean stared at Ben. “Say that again. Say dada.”

“Da…da…da…da,” babbled Ben.

“Cas get in here.” Dean’s husband entered the room. “Cas, he said dada.”

The baby was babbling a bunch of gibberish until Dean said, “Say dada.” Immediately, Benjamin started saying dada.

Cas sat down next to Dean, but only had eyes for Benjamin. “Papa is so proud of you.”

“Pa…pa…,” said Ben with a slobbery smile.

“Yes, Papa.” Cas pointed at himself. “And Dada,” he added as he pointed at Dean. The baby stared at him and then started chewing on his fist.

“At least now you can’t look so smug about him saying 'papa'.”

“I don’t look smug.”

Dean rolled his eyes and said sarcastically, “Sure, Cas, not at all.”

“Dean, he is just repeating what we say. It doesn’t mean he knows I’m papa and you’re dada.” Cas leaned against Dean. “But he did say papa first.” His words dripped with satisfaction, and he followed them up with a wickedly smug grin.

“Asshole,” whispered Dean, directly in Cas’s ear.

“But you still love me.”

Dean’s lips brushed Cas’s earlobe. “I do, sweetheart, and I will show you how much when we don’t have a drooling seven-month-old baby in front of us.” As if on cue, Ben started making all kinds of sounds. Dada and papa among them.

The sound of footsteps preceded. “Holy crap.”

“Beth, what did we say about using such words.”

Beth took her eyes off her brother and looked at Cas. “Just because Dean uses a word doesn’t mean I can.” Cas gave her a big grin while Dean huffed. Beth ignored them and walked over to Ben. “Say dada.” Her brother babbled a series of nonsensical sounds before clearly saying dada over and over.

They all listened to him for a bit before Dean said, “All right, little man, I think it’s time for your bottle and a nap.” After a quick kiss from his papa and his big sister, Ben was whisked away to the kitchen. Alex was standing in front of the open refrigerator.

“Dad, is the lemonade gone?”

“Who said you could have that in the morning? And yeah, it’s gone. Papa said he’ll pick up some on his way back from the station.”

Alex slumped his shoulders and dramatically pulled out the milk. “That’s like two days from now.”

“He’s only on a twenty-four-hour shift.” Cas had gone back to work a month after therapy started. It was a hard transition for the whole family, especially when he was on a forty-eight-hour shift. The first time he was called out on a fire, Alex had a terrible nightmare. But over time those dissipated, and they learned to adjust.

“Why can’t you go get it?” asked Alex grumpily, interrupting Dean’s train of thought.

Dean laughed at Alex’s disgruntled demeanor. “Because it’s your brother’s naptime, and I’m not dragging a teething baby to the grocery store for something as nonessential as lemonade.” A devilish look came over the young boy’s face. “And, no, you are not calling Nana to get you some.” When the look didn’t change, Dean added, “Or Grandma or Grandpa or Uncle Sam or any other family member you can think of.” Deflated by Dean’s litany, Alex grudgingly poured himself a glass of milk.

As Dean walked past Alex, he ruffled his hair. “Why are you grumpy? Did you have a nightmare?”

“Not really.”

“And what does that mean?”

“They’re not that bad. Not like they were before,” Alex said as he sat down at the counter.

Dean started preparing Benjamin’s bottle but kept an eye on Alex. “Are you still drawing?”

“Yeah.”

“Good. And it helps?” Dean asked. Alex nodded as he picked up his sketch pad from the stool next to him. The page was flipped open to one of Alex’s earliest drawings. A depiction of flame and shadow, reaching out from all corners. The drawings were a way for Alex to share his fears and his grief, just as Dean’s journal did for him. And Beth’s did for her. Pamela encouraged them to channel their feelings into these outlets when they struggled to share verbally. They became a starting point for many of their therapy sessions. The last drawing Alex shared was much more muted and far less terrifying. Dean stared down at the image. “So, no more dreams about fire?”

Alex flipped the book closed. “No.” Nodding, Dean sat down next to him. Benjamin started babbling and reaching for his bottle. “Can I feed him?”

“Sure,” said Dean. “Come on upstairs.”

Ben fell asleep in Alex’s arms, and just as Dean bent down to take the baby, Cas entered the room. Dean gestured to the sleeping baby. Cas walked over to them and gave Benjamin a kiss on the forehead. He pulled Alex in for a hug as he watched Dean lay the baby in his crib.

Once they were in the hall, Cas said, “I have to get to work, but I need to talk to you about tomorrow.”

“Okay,” said Dean. “Alex, will you go rinse out the bottle? We’ll be down in a minute.” The boy nodded and took off without a backward glance. “What’s up?” asked Dean with a note of apprehension.

“Are you sure about tomorrow? With this weird shift, I won’t be back until late morning, and I’m not sure how much help I’ll be.”

Dean smiled at his husband. “You know the troops will be here, and I’ll be overrun with help. And I’m sure. It’s time we shared our home with our family and friends again.” Cas stepped closer to Dean, placing his hands on his hips. “We need to live our lives, Cas,” Dean whispered as he slid his hands up Castiel’s chest.

“Yes, we do, my love.” Cas’s words were gentle, but the kiss was anything but. It was fierce and demanding, and before Dean knew what was happening his back hit the wall. Cas rutted against him. One hand digging into Dean’s hip and the other gripping his hair. It was fast and dirty and left Dean panting. And then it was gone.

“Hey, where are you going?” whined Dean.

“Work,” smirked Cas.

“You are finishing what you started,” said Dean as he pulled Cas toward him.

Cas chuckled. “I promise to finish when I get home.”

“That is cruel.”

“Maybe, maybe not. We’ll see sometime tomorrow.” Cas brought their lips together but kept his body firmly out of reach. “I love you.”

“Love you, too,” muttered Dean.

When Cas returned home the next day just shy of noon, he stepped into a swirling chaos. The best kind of chaos. And his husband was standing in the middle of it with a wide grin. “Hey.”

“Hello' Dean. I’m going to shower, and then you can put me to work.”

“As you can see, Mom and Missouri took over the kitchen. Somehow our kids convinced Sam and Sarah to set up some kind of obstacle course, so they’re all in the backyard working on it. And I was just getting ready to head to Bobby’s to help load up his grill and some extra chairs.”

Before Dean could continue his rambling, Cas said, “Give me ten, and I’ll join you.”

As promised, Cas was back in a few minutes, and Dean drove them to Bobby’s. With the three of them loading the truck, they were done in no time. Arriving home, they spotted several more cars parked in front of their house. “Looks like Inias and Zeke are here.”

“Wait, are you saying that is their new car?” asked Dean, obviously shocked. “I explicitly told them not to buy that dinky ass car.”

Cas laughed at Dean’s unhappy expression. “Just because you drive a behemoth doesn’t mean our friends are obligated to.”

“Don’t you dare insult my baby.” They pulled into the driveway, and Dean shut off the car. “Or no sex for you.”

Scoffing loudly, Cas stared at the challenge in his husband’s eyes. “As if that threat has ever worked for you.”

“It will this time.”

“Must I remind you of how I left you yesterday,” Cas said, lowering his voice until it was deep and sensual. The change in Dean’s green eyes was instantaneous. All challenge was gone, replaced by unadulterated lust.

“Fuck you, Cas.”

“That is the idea, my love.” They had moved closer to each other. Dean licked his lips, and Cas responded in kind.

They stopped when they heard, “Quit pawing each other and get out of the damn car. This crap isn’t going to unload itself.”

“I swear, Cas, everyone in this family is a damn cockblock.”

“It’s never stopped us before,” said Cas as leaned in for a searing kiss. Cas ran a finger along Dean’s jaw and whispered, “We will finish this later,” before yelling, “Be right there, Bobby.”

Within an hour everything was set up and most of the guests had arrived. Charlie and Hannah arrived together, adding to the ongoing speculation about them. Kevin showed up with his new girlfriend. Ash, Jo, and Ellen entered the house, each carrying a pie, much to Dean’s delight. Jody arrived with Claire and the two other girls she recently began fostering. Donna, Doug, and their kids burst into the backyard on the heels of Jody. Garth, Bess, Katie, and Tanner, whose first birthday was only a few weeks away, showed up just as the first run of the obstacle course was underway.

Watching the proceedings were Zar and his three-month-old baby. The mother was long gone, and Zar had moved back to the states. He lived only a mile from Cas and Dean, and Dean was learning to get over his misplaced jealousy. Needless to say, it was a work in progress. Zar smiled when Missouri joined him, taking the baby in her arms. Mary made her way over to stand at her long-time friend’s side. Both women looked down at the baby with love. Mary’s eyes were drawn away as Sarah finished the course just ahead of Sam, her fiancé of just under one month. She smiled as she watched Sarah tease Sam. Two young bodies slammed into the backs of Sarah and Sam’s legs. The two adults looked down into the shining faces of their niece and nephew. Linking hands, the four of them walked over to join Grandpa Bobby and the squirming bundle in his arms. Alex and Beth immediately let go of their Aunt and Uncle’s hands to make faces at Ben. The baby smiled excitedly, babbling and slobbering. And watching it all with quiet reverence were Dean and Cas.

The backyard was crowded with their friends and family, and it was filled with love and laughter. Only four months ago the prospect of such a day was not even remotely on the horizon. Yet here they were, seven months since the fire which gutted them all, still standing and somehow smiling. Holding hands, Cas and Dean wandered among the people they love thinking about all the changes in their lives over the last year.

As always, their eyes found each other. Green meeting blue in a long stare. “Happy Anniversary, Cas.”

“Happy Anniversary, my love.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you would like to read what inspired this fic, you can check out my series, [The Mechanic and The Firefighter.](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1154660)
> 
> For some reason, I just love writing about Cas the firefighter so what started out as a ficlet turned into an 82k stand alone fic. It all worked out in the end because it gave me the chance to join the DCBB challenge.


End file.
